Previously, on Return to Ravnica 3: Electric Boogaloo
I googled “ELECTRIC LIZARD SCIENCE” to find a neat picture so I could do a running gag of pictures summing up the last story, but this is all I found.
You have failed me, internet...
And now, it’s time for JUSTICE!
Wojek Weslyn is our protagonist today!
So wait, we have a Boros soldier that runs away from danger? And he just got promoted??? Are we sure this is the Boros Legion?
Also, remember when flame-kin were a thing in Ravnica? No? I’m the only one? Well they were. Wish we could get ‘em back...
Hah, glowing recommendation, from a fire person. Get it?
EIGHT YEARS AND YOU’RE THE FIRST PROMOTION? I thought the Azorius took forever to change, but here the Boros are slacking on promotions! Like, just how many Legionaries were taken out by House Dimir in the last block???
(In case you’re wondering, nearly every Dimir card in Return to Ravnica Block shows them hating on the Boros. Which was incredibly hilarious to me because that’s my little brother’s favorite guild. So I got to lord over the fact that my guild was beating his)
Sure, we all pretend everything is fair and equitable, and that if you work with integrity and decency you will eventually gain recognition, but in reality, Annex Four is where Boros Legion sends its chaff—swiftblades who'd bombed the wrong encampments, skyknights who'd developed a fear of heights, flame-kin who'd been too hot-headed to dissipate upon battle's completion, and minotaurs like me, who'd simply had the misfortune of being born into the wrong family line.
Okaaaay, there’s a lot to unpack here.
First, the Boros claim to be like family, but then this? A place where the people they don’t like go? Seriously???
Second, I don’t know why swiftblades would be bombing anyone. It’s not as if they’re specialized in quickly using swords or anything...
Third, does it matter? Like you’ll crash into a wall to take out an Orzhov banker who showed up at a Rakdos rave. Isn’t collateral damage your thing? Like it was in the original Ravnica block? Zing!
Fourth, WHAT THE F*CK??? You EXPECT your flame-kin soldiers to kill themselves at the end of a skirmish? WHAT THE EVERLOVING HELL??? This is also in the running for an award.
Fifth, the f*ck does it matter if you’re born into the wrong line? Surely the most qualified would be promoted in the Legion? Even if they weren’t, their devotion and dedication ought to count for something! But just because they weren’t from such and such family they’re chaff? That’s an Orzhov thing, surely!
Like I know we’re supposed to be glad he’s getting a promotion, but literally anything is better than this!
Aww, he got a locket, how sweet!
Dress attire to consist of formal robes and belts.
“It said BELTS!”
Like seriously though, I love this! This outfit works because it’s formal robes and belts! And we already know the Boros have goth guildmages!
I don’t care who you are -- I swear I will create a goth Boros mage who wears lots and lots of BELTS!
Okay back to the serious story. I like how the Boros have taken a hint from their failures at stopping House Dimir in Return to Ravnica. And original Ravnica for that matter. Aww, too soon?
You’re taking this waaay too seriously, Weslyn. Yeah, it’s cryptic, but this is well beyond the six degrees of Kevin Bacon.
"Ooh, party at the Solarium. Can I be your plus-one?" Aresaan says, looking over my shoulder.
Read it in private, Private!
She's the worst of the washouts, a former Warleader whose bad decision on the battlefield had led to fifteen thousand dead Boros soldiers some thirty years ago.
...okay, screw Weslyn, I wanna know more about her! I wanna know more about this incident 30 years ago the caused the Boros to bind the wings off an angel and demote her!!! She sounds metal as fuck! I didn’t even use the asterisk that’s how metal she is!
Nice little word transition there, using peace in the last and first lines. I like it when writers do that!
Okay, so minotaurs do actually headbutt each other when fighting. The more you know?
As soon as they started yelling, I'd hole up in my room, my sister's red hair ribbons slung across my chest, and pretend I was a Wojek officer, charged with keeping the peace.
Circumstances aside, this is adorable.
I've heard rumors that this area was the site of a dragon extermination ten or so millennia ago and that the dust here is largely comprised of disintegrated dragon bone. They also say the bone is not totally, completely one hundred percent dead.
I’m sorry to be quoting so much, but THESE LINES! THESE TANTALIZING TEASES OF STORY! Who were the dragons? Can the people use the dragon bone dust? Does it reform into an undead dragon? Or is the undead dragon merely a dust tornado now? YOU CAN’T PUT THESE THINGS IN YOUR STORY AND NOT GIVE ME AN ANSWER!!!
Ah yes, your cloak should help muffle the sound of your clanking armor. Nice.
Kinda snarky of that viashino merchant, but at least he’s been compensated.
OMG BABY HYDRAS. YAS. I WANT ONE. SO MANY TINY HEADS MAKING ADORABLE BABY LIZARD NOISES!!! PLEASE!!!
Oh hey, Clans & Legions is a board game! For six players!
Ooh, I love this little bit of worldbuilding right here. Removing tattoos from Gruul defectors. I love it!
Also, this almost certainly means that Jace’s tattoos are permanent. But he’s an illusion mage, so I guess it doesn’t matter anyways.
I’m also loving the diplomacy/politics going on here. He knows what to say, and even when he says the wrong thing he knows how to backpedal it. I love seeing this kind of thought, and I love even more that we’re getting it in this story. I thought the Boros story was going to be about charging in, but this is showing the strategic side of things!
"There's a spy in the Boros Legion." -- Brazer
Oh, so the Boros capture political prisoners? Interesting and disturbing...
Baas Solvar isn't her full name. Baas Solvar Radley. Most likely related to Govan Radley, the Rubblebelt raider who set off a mass chaos spell at Tin Street Market. Shoppers had been consumed with sudden rage and confusion, and they turned upon each other, food and wares becoming weapons. Twenty-four killed. A hundred seventy-six injured.
AGAIN, YOU CAN’T JUST TEASE US WITH THESE STORIES!!!
"Late night, Wojek?" Aresaan says, her hand on my shoulder. "You can always count on a minotaur to work twice as long and half as hard, am I right?"
I take it back. I want to punch Aresaan in the face now.
I know the story is trying to paint Aresaan as the spy, or at least a jerk, but still you don’t refer to recruits as fools. It’s just bad form. Call them cannon fodder: it’s honest and lets them know what they’re in for.
“And fifty years is a blink for angels. I'm just twiddling my thumbs, waiting for someone else to mess up worse than me, and that's only a matter of time with the way Aurelia is running this place.”
I take back my take back. This girl’s gold.
Hah, you fell for one of the oldest tricks in the book!
I turn back and examine the board closely. There's one piece missing. My angel. She should have been where I'd left her. I summon the courage to wedge up Brazer's slumped body. No piece hiding under him, none on the floor. I look everywhere.
Oh my god it’s so obvious. Please, oh please don’t be this stupid...
Whoever killed him had taken the piece with them.
Pinnacle of Rage, by Noah Bradley
YOU BLITHERING IDIOT! YOU FESTERING BUFFOON! YOU LITERALLY HAD ONE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT! COUNTERINTELLIGENCE MY ASS! IT’S A SIGN! A CLUE! THAT ANGEL B*TCH IS THE F*CKING SPY!!!
Many of the guards are giants—brawny and bare-chested, save for a few well-placed buckles.
You think you can quell my infinite rage by using shirtless giants with impeccable abs, story?
...
‘Cause you’re right.
Also, buckles, which means more BELTS!
Rook Atalay. Now that is the name of a goth guildmage if ever I heard one.
My boss, my boss’s boss, her boss, her boss’s dog, her boss’s dog’s groomer, her boss’s dog’s groomer’s parakeet, her boss’s dog’s groomer’s parakeet’s second cousin’s second-ex-wife’s girlfriend’s sister’s son’s cousin twice removed...
Angels on Ravnica can hear the sound of their names. A bit vain, dontcha think?
Oh that’s where the peice went. Huh. Guess I got all angry for nothing. I just hate it in crime shows when people miss the OBVIOUS HINT IN FRONT OF THEM. Guess I watch too much of those...
Golgari poison? I mean of course it is. Nothing could ever be traced back to House Dimir...
...OR DO I??? Told you it was the angel!
"You're saying the poison killed a minotaur and a giant, but not a flame-kin?"
...who tries to poison an ELEMENTAL???
I look at the minotaur, those big furry hands that could wield huge bludgeons also seemed delicate enough to plant a coin purse in my pocket. I look down at her boots. Dark brown leather, tan splotches from hydra spit. She'd been to the bunker. She'd killed Brazer.
Top 10 Anime Redemptions. Detective Weslyn at your service!
I find it kinda odd that our minotaur narrator is referring to the other minotaur as a minotaur. It feels wrong, off somehow. Like if I said “The human walked to the grocery story.” It can work, but from another human it feels odd.
Righteous fury reinvigorates Aresaan!
"Do you know how many elementals serve in Sunhome? I can count them on one hand." He holds up three fingers, all aflame. "Three out of thousands. Just because we were cast instead of born doesn't mean we aren't capable of performing in high ranks. They deny our sentience, they balk at giving us names, but the truth is we're not uncontrollable zealots and we deserve life past battle."
"You killed two people," I remind him. "That's not what I'd call controllable."
"Aresaan killed fifteen thousand, and all she got was a slap on the wrist. Double standards. Look around, Ossett. Lies, treachery, injustice. This is what your Legion is founded upon."
The worst part is, he’s not wrong. He does have a valid point.
Emergency water elementals. Because on Ravnica, who needs fire extinguishers and blankets when you have A WATER ELEMENTAL???
Also, #ElementalLivesMatter
HOLY BUTTS WHAT A STORY!!! The action climax of the first with the cunning strategies of the second! This was AMAZING! The detective gets what they deserve and the angel gets some redemption! I still feel sorry for Skormak, but aside from that this was a SPECTACULAR STORY!!!
We got minotaurs! Promotions! Questionable business practices at the Boros Legion! Wojeks! Lockets! Cryptic letters! BELTS! Six degrees! Fallen angels and 15,000 dead! Unhappy childhood! Headbutting! Ribbons! MILLENIA OLD UNDEAD DRAGON BONES! Stealing! Shopkeepers! Baby hydras OMG! Six-Player Board games! Diplomacy! Tin Street Riots! Reassignments! Throwing shade on Aurelia! Pickpockets! Murder most foul! Detective fails! Giant abs! Moar BELTS! My fails! Dimir Golgari Poison! Or did I fail! Seriously Who Poisons An Elemental! Detective Weslyn! Healing the dust! Righteous Fury! Legitimate complaints! Emergency Water Elementals!
I can't believe that in 2016 people still want to deny Fire Elementals the right to enter in a pool. Like, GOD. I don't care if you're a doctor??????? If you're not a Fire Elemental you literally have no say in this sweetie Mod Jotun
