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Elf at the MOCA. @moca @robinmgrindley #citycottage2019 #elfinthecity (at MOCA Toronto) https://www.instagram.com/p/B2EWSKVnwrc/?igshid=uijsqontqf8h

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First Blog!! - Elf Arrived!

How to start...

So its Christmas 2014. I’ve just returned from Ireland after seeing my folks in little old Lismoughry not to mention all my old school friends and a pile of family I haven’t seen in sooo long I almost feel like I don’t remember the last time I seen them but like it was only hours ago at the same time.

I’m now back in the UK . Christmas was a beautiful combination of too much food, cosy fires , watching endless movies and shows , putting up Christmas decorations and heavenly hours spent talking with my family, over endless cups of tea mums mince pies and reheated turkey. I loved ever minute of it.

But that’s not the reason I’m making myself put all this to paper. Truth be told I’ve had a rollercoaster of a year, filled with confusion, depression, heartbreak and a whirlwind of other emotions I cant even find the words to explain properly. I’ve been through a lot this year but somehow I think my brain and body switched to autopilot mode in order to get through it.

I’m 25 and it’s not like I lost my whole family or battled cancer or something major like that but for me and the age I’m at , having had a wonderful childhood and never having to deal with anything traumatizing in all my years, this past year was hard for me because it was the first time I had been through any of the situations I had to go through. That’s why because of that fact it was a hard year - A learning curve if you will.

So I find myself here trying frantically to get all this information down on my computer screen before the thoughts and words vanish from my head. For me this is a hard task because my thoughts come so quickly to me, like fluid . Quick as a flash and then they’re gone, lost to me forever. This for anyone can be annoying , however I find it even more frustrating as I’m dyslexic, so it takes me longer to write, spell and structure my thoughts into logical sentences and paragraphs that actually makes sense. So right now I’m desperately trying to get everything I think and feel down on paper before I loose my train of thought or get too annoyed that I cant get them out before they leave my head. At some point I hope to go back over all of this and restructure some of it so that it will hopefully make sense when I read it back . However for now, this will do!

Anyway I’m trailing off on a tangent. ( Another thing I do a lot without realizing. Partly because of my dyslexia , but also partly because I’ m a dreamer and trail off into dream land without noticing. I run away with my thoughts and ideas, before suddenly realizing I’m in the real world and nothing happens as I think it should in my head. Sometimes this can be a blessing, as it allows me to escape from everything around me and just de-zone……maybe this is how I managed to get through the year I’ve had! One the other hand it can be a demon because my head can wander so far into the clouds I need someone to burst the bubble I’m traveling in and drag me back down to earth. Sigh!!)

FML, ok that was another tangent. Ok so yes, the real reason I’m trying to put all this on paper is – because of everything I’ve been through this year I feel a whole heap of emotions , feeling, thoughts and fears and I need a way to get them all out of my head or deal with them or just simply allow myself to feel them properly without becoming overwhelmed by them and breaking down in front of someone or it resulting in a anxiety or panic attack.

My dad bought me a book for Christmas called “Girl Online” by a youtube blogger called Zoella. I have followed her blog for a while and was intrigued by some of the video blogs she posted. Anyway I started reading the book and found myself associating with a lot of what she put across in her book, which is why I suddenly thought to myself - ‘why haven’t I tried doing this to help me deal with everything’?

I used to keep a diary all through my teens and I put everything and anything I could see, sense, feel or sing into these diaries for years. ( come to think of it I must have about seven of eight of them .) For some reason though, all of a sudden I stopped writing them. I have no idea why ,or if there was some conscious or subconscious reason , considering my situation or surrounds at the time, but I just stopped. Now call me superstitious ( and for the love of god I know I am just that. Horoscopes, tarot cards, old wives tales, anything!) but maybe that’s when all the trouble really started, because I didn’t have anyway of expressing how I was really feeling about everything and anything that was going on in my live at the time.

Nevertheless as I am here now an I have a sudden urge to start scrolling whatever it is that’s going on in my head that I cant quiet make sense of. Now its’ not just a sudden thought I had, it’s just that after reading the book it made me realize it was important for my own sanity I think. I have thought about this a few times in the last while and wanted to start again but couldn’t really find either the confidence to start, or find the strength to kick the judgmental fear out of the way and actually start ,without caring what anyone thought of it , because really, who the fuck is going to read it anyway, except me. ( that’s the other thing I have recently learned about myself – I am a serial procrastinator with everything I feel scared or nervous about doing. I’ll put it off and put it off until I can’t afford to anymore. I am also my own worst enemy because I’m very judgmental of myself ,because I’m scared of what people might think if they know the crazy weirdo that I really am – I have no idea when this pattern started to behonest, but I’m sure a shrink would probably say that it is the result of some unresolved trauma from my childhood and now it manifests in my later life in this way. Never the less it is a trait I dislike about myself but haven’t figured out how to solve yet. The other reason is that I fear I might do something wrong or fuck something up and then everyone will laugh at me or judge me. ) So you can see I have issues . weather they are through my laying too much pressure on myself or because of the situations or things I’m going through. Never the less this is the reason for my starting this writhing thing, whatever it is that this is. I need somewhere where I can get it all out, vent everything where no one can see me, judge me or tell me I’m wrong (or right.) Just a clear open space where I can say everything and anything to help make sense of it all., even if it doesn’t even look like it makes sense after writing it all down. Does that make sense??? Oh dear god – am I carzy? I think so –so what must everyone else think! Oooh I’m doing it again! thinking about what everyone else thinks!, And not just that but thinking about the what if too much! Luke says I’m always doing this. He’s right though ( I hate that he’s always right! it’s like he knows me better than myself – I think he does , but more about him later, I can see I’m heading on a tanget! ) I have GOT to stop this and allow myself to just me OK with being me and not feeling uncomfortable or ashamed of it!! Please angles ( granny ,granddad, grand daddy McGee, Ieuan and whoever, else it is up there that is helping to guide me and help me through. ) …let this be the year that I find my feet in life, in myself and with everything! I’m getting tired of trying to figure everything out! It’s exhausting!

Ok , so here it goes then. Throwing everything out on paper. Trying to help myself de-clutter, spring clean, start afresh, clear a space for the new me! ( god that sounds so Bridget Jones – a cliché!) Am I that pathetic???

- Elf in the City. Xx

#elfinthecity #elf-in-the-city #firstblog #london #londonlife #freshstart #honesty #boho #boholife #feelingfree #therepy #selfhealing

Elves look forward to each and every year,

To trick or treat season and now it’s finally here!

They can walk among families and no one bats an eye.

On this day magical creatures don’t have to be shy.

So this time of year take a close look around,

Because you never know where elves can be found.

#elf #elfinthecity #elflife #elves #halloween #Park #magical #imagination #nature #outside

That little ladder leads to the door, of a home-made tiny door that’s fantastic from ceiling to floor. This elf from Chicago has a design sense that’s keen. And his tiny door is one of the most magical we’ve seen. If you make your own door, we’re sure you’ll find, it will be a magical experience that’s truly one-of-a-kind.!