The water hit his back, hot. Scalding. Henry wished it would burn away the flesh until there was nothing left but bones. He could have sunk into the ceramic floor of his shower. He could have disappeared. He shouldn’t have been there. His eyes stung, his throat sore from the shouting that seemed inevitable, unavoidable. Only now, he couldn’t form sounds at all. Nothing came from his voice. He could only cry silently, and even that had seemed to run its course. The thing about the shower was it made the tears seem obsolete. They washed away everything physical. He wished it would take care of the sinking feeling in his stomach, the persistent ache that wouldn’t leave but only spread up into his lungs, seeping through his ribs, reaching his heart.
He knew that’s what it was. Ainsley Shafiq was dead. That god damn job of her fucked them both over, he thought selfishly. She was such a bright, vibrant woman. Attractive and with legs he wanted to wrap himself in for days. An intoxicating smile, eyes he got lost in. Ainsley Shafiq wasn’t only the best shag he’d had, but the best friend Henry Arnold ever caught. Henry thought of everything. There were a billion and one things running through his mind. Her family, her friends, Ellie. Her job, her life. Him. She’d invited him to her flat, even. Wasn’t it sickening how he couldn’t realize what he had right in front of him until it was gone? All the possibilities. The woman he took for granted, who was there for him through a whirlwind spring and summer. He didn’t thank her enough. He didn’t kiss her enough or give her enough. He didn’t tell her enough how much she meant to him. How much she could’ve meant.
The silver faucet screeched as Henry turned it to off and the water stopped. He felt instantly cold, bitter. His skin developed goosebumps, his hair standing up straight on his arms. He paused, leaning over the sink and staring at his reflection in the mirror. It was a blurred memory, a vague impression of a reflection masked behind the steam from the shower. Despite that, Henry knew what was there, clear without the image. Red-faced, eyes bloodshot, hair wet and sticking in all directions. He could’ve bashed his head against the mirror; maybe then he’d feel something again. Something familiar. Physical pain would’ve been better than what he was feeling.
Henry Arnold would have given up everything Quidditch to have Ainsley Shafiq back.
At the sound of his door, his head perked up. He hurried up to put on clothes—trousers that he was sure were in his dirty pile, but they were the first ones he found; a plain green t-shirt—before rushing to the door. He was thankful to have someone who might have an inkling what he was feeling. Someone who could understand, who knew Ainsley at least as well as he did. He wondered whether Ainsley had mentioned him, their situations to Ellie. He wondered if she admitted anything further, and the stirrings at his stomach pulled tight. He took a moment to breathe, eyes shut, to keep from vomiting then and there.
“COME IN! I’m in the kitchen!” Henry shouted, instantly reaching for a bottle of unopened tequila in his freezer. A glass would be unnecessary.