#ellieblabs

[lissabean]

The day ended better than it started, but still feeling uneasy, and that's alright.

I recorded a podcast episode and I'm proud of that. Happy I allowed myself the space and time to express how I've been feeling. I'm glad I had the energy for it. Things have been *stressful*

The pain is heavy, but I understand it better now, so I don't feel as mixed up as I did about it.

[lissabean]

My mind is a little interesting right now. I'm stressed about a lot - finances, health, maintaining relationships, new changes, opportunities, creating.

I'm a bit restless with the quiet moments. But they come anyway, and I sit with them anyway.

My mind feels hazy. I sometimes think it's grief, but it feels different this time around. It feels softer, calmer. So maybe it isn't grief. I'm not sure.

I'm hopeful, not that that is unusual. I still feel rushed to do things, to figure it all out. But simultaneously, I feel more okay with moving slow.

[lissabean]

We're both just human beings with our own unique struggles trying to figure things out.

I'll be self-reflecting on my patterns of hyper-independence that can sometimes prevent me from connecting with someone. I've had to figure so much out on my own, it's been hard to trust and accept when people actually want to show up for me. "I'm learning how to let people show up for me in safe, healthy ways."

I didn't think things would end the way they did. The drunken phonecall pushed me away when I already felt far from you. I wish you would have drawn me in, but I know you were hurting, too.

It's funny, I think we both wanted the same thing from each other. But how we reacted to not receiving what we needed was very different. I observed your reactions and couldn't accept it this time.

I still believe in you. Wherever life takes you, I'll be quietly wishing you well. I'm hurting but I'll carry our love with me. What we had was golden and I won't forget it.

I remember asking the universe many, many times to please give me as much time as possible with you. I'll always be thanking my lucky stars for that time.

I love you.

[lissabean]

11:11

Real love requires you to grow. It digs deep and reveals to you what you've been running from. That's one of its most beautiful purposes.

It isn't easy.

It's easy to say you're in love when you close off to what it's asking of you, when you attempt to keep it while hiding behind old behaviors and patterns that couldn't hold love in the first place. But real love can't grow there. It never could before, and it won't now.

I've been learning about love for a long, long time. I've learned through the wrong kinds of it, the kind of love that seems real but only exists through smoke and mirrors.

I've also learned a lot about the kind of love I carry and extend out to others. It's a consistent practice to be the best in love that I can be. I won't always get it right, and neither will the people who extend their love to me.

But I'll never stop believing in love. I'll never stop growing through love.

Throughout it all, the love I carry within me will never fade. It'll shine through me. It will continue to teach me to embrace the parts of me that are still hurting.

[lissabean]

i just needed some time to process. i wasn't ready to come to you yet. i can't even imagine what you had to be feeling to do what you did, and i'm sorry for how badly you were hurting. it wasn't my fault. you made a choice, and you made a choice to pick up the drink again instead of something different this time around. but that's not my problem.

we talked long ago about how if this didn't work out, you'd be fine and i'd be fine. we'll be fine. we were building something real, and sometimes it just doesn't go as it could've.

i'm disappointed, i'm sad, i'm grieving. i hope you figure things out. i'll always be rooting for you.

[lissabean]

b is back. things are strange.

i remember how i thought i was going to feel moving into a bigger space after being on my own for the first time. i remember thinking that the new walls would just hold all of the old pain. but i've built a peace in between these walls. now there's a new odd feeling, a new pain.

guests of grief and the reopening of old wounds have been invited, but i didn't ask them to come. i'm bleeding again, but i didn't pick at the scab.

my back pain woke me up last night. i was dreaming, and i could feel the pain in the dream. eventually, it stirred me awake. i readjusted and eventually fell back asleep.

the first thing b said to me when we got home was "we splitting up?" he had seen that i'd taken all of our pictures down. i told him i didn't get rid of anything, i just couldn't look at them.

i don't know what's going to happen but i know i don't have to figure everything out right now.

[lissabean]

i've been having dreams set in my childhood home. Yesterday during my nap, I dreamt that my older brother wasn't cooperating with me. I was trying to help him paint, and he kept trying to pop my thumb in the way b has before that i don't like. i got really upset. i went to my dad, who was sitting in his recliner in living room. he got up and came over to me when i was explaining to him what was wrong. i started to cry and he asked "can i hold you?" i nodded and lay my head in his chest. i kept crying.

my dad wasn't ever really that kind of person for me. i remember my mom holding me and rocking me whenever she had to leave for work. i would cry because she had to go. my dad would typically keep his distance when i had my sad spells. he would say things like "it's not that bad" or "your day is what you make it." he wasn't good with the emotional side of things.

i may see b today. i'm not sure yet. i at least get to go home today, i'm finished with my current pet sit.

some emotions have been coming to the surface. i've been processing old feelings from old wounds - j's suicide attempt, having to let go of my parents because of their addiction, having to walk away from an unhealthy marriage. i cried before i went to sleep last night. i've had to make a lot of really hard choices because of the poor choices other people make. i've had to let go of the people i've loved most in this world. i don't want to let go of another person i deeply love. i know i will do what's best for me in the end. but i'm tired.

[lissabean]

i had a lot of fun last night. about halfway into it, i didn't feel like being out anymore. i think it was partially my urge to isolate during this time, but also, i'm genuinely losing the interest in being out like that - loud clubs that make your ears ring when you come home, crowds you feel squished in, yelling directly into someone's ear to talk to them, and then them yelling into yours.

when j and i separated, i found solace in the places that were so loud, i didn't have to think. it also brought me a sense of the freedom i'd been wanting for myself for a long time. but now i've slowly been creating an inner space that provides freedom and safety. i also don't feel the need to drown things out so much.

Even so, it was nice to have a night of normalcy with good company after everything that has happened. i'm going to a little get together with a neighbor today, i'm bringing my brother along. it'll be nice to have food and conversation in a more intimate setting.

i'm a bit hungover today but nothing too bad. i sobered up some at a friend's place last night, we had tacos and talked about life. that was probably my favorite part of the night.

i'm happy to have been able to have some fun with friends, meet some cool new people, and take my mind off of things for a little while.