#ellipses notebook

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Ellipses Notebook page 205

Dust

I’ve almost never written in the present tense, it’s interesting. I like it. I can see nothing but trees and frost and snow in all directions, I can see the sky and the beautiful beautiful flakes of snow coming down from some wonderful place. I can see Eddie. I know he’ll take care of Jane while I’m gone. I’ve thought about it, and I feel like this is for the best. Jane will finally get what she always deserved, a chance, hopefully she’ll make less of a mess of things than I have. I know some people will miss me, and I am honored by that. And now it is time, time to find Idrk in the white forest, and keep him there forever. I was listening very closely to those memories. He’s there, and even though he may have stolen a body he’s still in there, waiting. I can keep him there, weaken him until he has no choice but to give up this living world. I might not get the peace I wanted but I don’t think I was cut out for that. One last thing, I still think this is funny as hell, and that’s how I’m going to take these last steps, laughing and crying all the way.

Good morning Jane, and a good night to everybody else.

end

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Ellipses Notebook page 204

Ashes

I opened my eyes, my eyes; no one else’s that’s a weird thing to think but I opened them. I saw the room, everyone’s asleep, and me, or Jane, rather, she was asleep too. Out of my body what a strange experience. I guess it never really was my body but still. I noticed that I was covered in scars. Jane didn’t have any. That’s good, I don’t want her to be reminded of my mistakes. It’s time she makes some of her own. Her eyes weren’t all the way closed, and I could see they were a bright and brilliant green how beautiful. I knew I couldn’t stay, but I did want some goodbyes. I went over to each person quietly, I don’t know if half of them remember what I said they were so tired and half asleep. I said goodbye I said to take care of Jane please, I said she didn’t really know what was going on but she would be alright. I made it to the doorway and I knew, that everyone in this room would be alright somehow. I just knew it. I could see the powder of my crushed pendent on the floor, someone stepped on it, or the cabinets crushed it, it doesn’t matter anymore. With a few choice objects I made my way across town to the forest. It had frosted over the night before, and snow was falling in a cool breeze. It was, nice. I made my way to the heart of the white forest and I waited. I’m there right now as I write this.

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Ellipses Notebook page 203

Embers

Today I went around town. Everyone told me about their favorite places. Guy’s started checking out the book store again, something renewed her interest in happy endings. Damon’s been going around trying to think of things emotionally, he says that sometimes facts don’t give him all the answers. Lillith’s been taking the others out more, even trying to make some trinkets herself, she’s taken up baking. Spencer is still my angel, she goes around trying to protect others from the organization of Seers. She’s fighting back, like she was always meant to. Like she always had. I know Eddie isn’t that same person I was with on that frozen lake, or when I ran from the hospital. I know he did what he thought he had to, and I know he was young and scared. I forgave him, for everything, on the condition that he would help me with a special project of mine. I’m looking at the scenery, maybe there’s some things I like about this place, but I still feel like I owe somebody something, and the sooner I pay up the better. I was never meant to be here, in this beautiful place, I never could quite settle before something rooted me back up again. We all returned to the room, it was dark out and the sky was spattered with stars. I felt finally comfortable enough to take my necklace off. It was a shock, but no burning like the other times. I asked Guy to hold it she said it was beautiful. She backed into something, a cabinet I think, unsteadied by a stack of books, and I Saw it fall. I pushed her out of the way with a lot of force, but that just toppled something else it would have collapsed on Spencer and Damon. I pulled them out of the way, but put myself in the path of the falling furniture by mistake. It fell on me and I heard two crunches. And one of them caused me to faint.

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Ellipses Notebook page 202

Fire

Eddie kept talking, for some reason. “I get it! … Fine, there’s something else you could do.” I matched every step he took towards me with a step farther away. He just kept talking. “You could still go to the white forest, but don’t worry you’ll be safe.” I started running “There’s someone waiting for you there! You could be part of the greatest event in history! So, STOP RUNNING AWAY.” He had run after me. A giant, terrible form coming out of the smoke he breathed reached around to stop me. Its hand was cold. “This… isn’t…… a choice.” Eddie was exhausted, the form in the smoke was taking everything from him. “Go… to the white forest, meet him there.” The smoke invited sleep, invited me to drop right there, and give up forever. “He’ll- he’s powerful there, and he’ll be here soon.” To me then, he was talking complete nonsense. Now, it’s still nonsense, but I was listening. Every time I relived that moment I was listening and now…

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Ellipses Notebook page 201

Smoke

I’ve been remembering more, these days. One moment in particular stands out. A cold day on a frozen lake, eight years or so ago. Eddie was there, trying to talk to me. I had run away from the others, my pendant didn’t break after a painful kind of ritual like the other’s had. I was afraid, so I ran. Eddie followed me. Frost bit my skin, flakes gathered on my hair, and the wind sang. Eddie had broken his calm mask to talk to me, maybe he thought it’d make him seem more human, somehow. He said things he shouldn’t have said to a confused and terrified kid, things like “You weren’t meant to be like this, you were an experiment, you’ve ruined everything.” It just got worse “You know, there’s only one way for you to make this right” I was crying he didn’t notice “You go into the white forest and keep walking until you can’t feel anything anymore.” He noticed the tears, he just didn’t care. … He was waiting for me to say something. “You want me to kill myself?” I said “That would be… optimal.” He said. ‘I can’t do that’ I tried to say, nothing came out, though. Like a true hero, he tried to backpedal as soon as he saw that his ‘approach’ wasn’t working. “Listen” he metaphorically backpedaled so hard he concussed on a metaphorical wall “Jane, you know Jane. She’s still there, and you can bring her back, it’s your responsibility.” What could I have said? “Ok, fine. You don’t want to do that, I get it!”

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Ellipses Notebook page 200

Jane

I’m much more talkative these days, I try to tell people more, especially since that block in my mind lifted a few days ago, and I can finally see what I wanted to hide from myself for so long. The world does have more color, but there’s still something. It’s always been there, and that’s the problem. Looking back at the memories I’ve figured out, I’ve flown on stolen wings, fought with borrowed knives, and lived in a body that doesn’t belong to me. It belonged to a girl named Jane, and that day when she went in and said her name was ‘Ellipses’ oh so long ago, she died. Almost. She’s still in there, she’s survived the experiments of monsters and gods. The only reason I exist is because a little girl imagined a better version of herself, and gave that image to the crystal shaper in one word ‘Ellipses’. It didn’t help that this time They were trying something different trying to find something for some reason I sure as hell don’t care about. All this time she’s been trying to come back, trying to reject this soul that doesn’t belong here, and I didn’t understand what was happening, I was afraid. I pushed her down over and over, and I didn’t even realize I was drowning her. Eddie probably thought I was a psychopomp, like him, or at least trying to be. He was trying to understand me while I was trying to understand him. What a strange, strange world, with so many people, and so many blurred boundaries. Eddie even came around one day. He said he would let me be a psychopomp, if I wanted, he would damage Jane so irreparably I would have to be one. If I wanted. I’ve thought about it. I don’t think I could stand being any form of immortal; I already have too many bad memories, and I’m only sixteen, sixteen and a half? I’ve lost track. He wants to fight Idrk, set the world straight, or something. He’s trying to set things right, I understand, I still don’t forgive him but I understand now. Still, it’s not my place to get revenge, no, there’s someone who burns for it every day, and I’m just tired.

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Ellipses Notebook page 199

Vile

I told them what I did, that one day, outside the compound when we were just about to leave. We had gotten a pair of wings for everybody, everything was going according to plan. Was, going to plan. I was sent out on one last foraging expedition with Jay. We weren’t supposed to go far, but berry bush after berry bush and we were in earshot of some barking dogs. Some of Them were out on damage control because of the recent escape and they found who they were looking for. There was a lot of screaming barking Jay shoved me into some brush, and I got away, but not before I saw what happened. They got him down and waved a syringe above his head, a godamned cursed and vile purple thing. Even the dogs stopped barking and put their heads down when they saw that. One of Them said something, a pause, I could have done something, screamed, kicked, anything. Instead I just sat there and waited to see what would happen. They pushed the needle past Jay’s skin. The screams devolved into roars, I saw a form pressing against his skin trying to get out. The thing was shaping his entire body limbs dripped and deformed like they were made of honey claws tore through flesh and finger nails spikes ripped along its back and melded with the rest of that terrible form. The thing it had four legs a large body big, wide, feet, black fur smeared with blood and purple. It reminded me of something. But before I could place it, it tore through Their bodies killed the dogs, and I didn’t stick around to see what it would do to me.

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Ellipses Notebook page 198

Go

I started screaming again. “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!” I started to cry I’m so weak “Just let us help you-“ “NO! Fuck off and let me die here, go on, just go, please.” “no.” Spencer always was stubborn, but she had the rest of them behind her, and even though they didn’t say anything I knew they echoed that ‘no’. Support was coming in from all sides, and I didn’t know how to fight it. I couldn’t use my sword or my knives, I couldn’t hit or kick this away, well, I wish I didn’t try. I slapped Lillith across the face, when she was trying to help me. I am a coward. There were a few moments of quiet and I expected her to be mad, I expected all of them to try and kill me, I thought at least Guy would yell at me, but instead the first thing anyone did was take a step forward, with no anger in their stride, and I took that step and retreated to the nearest tree. Coward. I hit it. Murderer. I hit it again. I let him die. My fists were cut, spilling blood on the dark bark of a tall and aching tree. It wasn’t enough. I grabbed the tree around it’s trunk, and started to pull. I think I was screaming, but not as loudly as the roots cried from being separated from the ground. The tree came apart from the dirt and mud and family, and I threw it. It rolled a distance down into a valley. It clattered and crashed and settled, and I made my way down, and I sat on it. The others soon followed, and I decided to finally answer their questions.

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