#eltonsversion

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i want it so bad that i cry abt it. how humiliating is that.

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why am i incapable of desiring someone my own age

i don't crush on people my age. i don't think about having sex with them. it's always older men. idk what's wrong with me. it makes me feel so dirty and awful

i just want to fall in love, but i know it will never be requited into something beautiful

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this will be long..

guys, i did it... i sat at a table in class. for the first time this entire semester. and also the second time since i've been studying at uni (two semesters)

i didn't move away when other students sat next to me!!!!! i didn't talk to them or even look at them lol, i literally have no idea who sat next to me, i couldn't point them out if i saw them. but this is a huge improvement already.

tje cherry on top here is that i talked to my teacher like a fuckig normal person!!!! mostly. i didn't even look at him but i managed to keep myself a little bit calmer, enough to get a full sentence out and register what he was saying to me. i also felt a bit more confident bc i got a good grade on my last assignment. i get a bit nervous tho because i accidentally look at hi s hands a lot and i dont want ihm to think im being weird or looking for a ring lmaooo. which the latter i have done . but i dont needa keep checking

he fr said he knows i like philosophy when we were talking abt assignment stuff which is rly nice. i was a bit surprised that he even said that or took note of it because i have been keeping myself so separate from the class while i'm there, and he's so busy and has so many much more engaging students he keeps up with, but also i have brought phil based books to class so ofc that's how he noticed. like its just nice that someone kinda notices what im doing or what i like and cares to remember even without talking to me much LOL. ik that it's his job to pay attention to students but idc, it still feels nice. like i don't have to be perfect or 'cool' to be acknowledged.

i don't know what my next step is in terms of getting more comfortable in class, besides keeping up with sitting at tables even when its uncomfortable. maybe making more eye contact w the teacher, since that is safer than briefly looking at a fellow gen z-er who will assume i'm giving them a dirty look or hitting on them or some stupid shit like that. it has happened too many times.

ANOTHER THING

i went to the store to try on clothes to kill time while i waited for a lift home, nd i tried on three dresses.... OMG. i have never felt soooo fucking classy in my life. i don't wear/own dresses and these were such a nice fit, a-line, nice neckline, and i loved the fabric too, it was heavy and thick. i literally bought one but i returned it 20 minutes later LOL because i couldn't afford spending that kind of money today. i just wish they ha a smaller size, the 10 was okay but i am sorta relapsing so it would be too big within the fortnight nd then a waste of money. the colours were so good too, ive never worn maroon before but holy shit i think i will start.... also tried on the best bra i've ever worn in my life, but couldn;t afford that so hopefully it is there another time. idk, i felt pretty today, which is literally so fucking rare so i have been making the most of it while it lasts. my bro he said i look stunning today too likeeee maybe it is the confidence i had today or my fit, idk, but today was good.

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I can't believe I'm only going to see him four more times this semester ;-;

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to all the men in my inbox: please learn proper grammar conventions

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i started day dreaming some FILTH in class, nd i know noone could hear my thoughts but i still felt like everyone knew smthng i didn't and it made me feel gross and embarrassed

wish my brain would quit thinking altogether lol

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kinda mad that having a tc is the backbone to my ed relapse right now. i want to be pretty enough to at least be some kind of version of friends. also like an idiot I'm stopping my HRT bc of it.

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🇦🇺 Age: 19 Sex: female Pronouns: any pronouns are fine Name: joey 🦘 both nipples are pierced fyi 🤭 • this (side)blog is mostly about my tc, but i might occasionally post something ed related, or nsfw. • nsfw won't be tagged but i ask for 18+ interactions, please!! • I go through periods of inactivity if I'm really busy.

I would love to make some friends, especially with those who are having a similar experience with their tc :3

Flick me a DM if you like! I take a while to reply sometimes (I'm a sleepy girl with a lot on my to-do list!).

I usually do not send pics, so don't expect any from me, and do not ask me to send pics. Use your imagination