✧ ‧₊˚ 💭 ⋮ Hey! Decided I'm going to start posting my Instagram story rambles I have over Redeemers Trace on here. Mainly to help organize for me; but if anyone finds them interesting that's cool to.
Last night, I was thinking about asexual Representation in media and talked a lot about ones I wasn't as fond of and why- that whole spiel can be read on @vurrkit for context.
But talking so much about asexual representation made me want to share my current plans I have with my asexual characters in Redeemers Trace!.. Very Messily. I did this WELL past midnight there's quite a bit of grammer mistakes.. So I'll try to sum up quickly on a couple things below and have my crazed rambles.
✦ ‧₊˚ (1) ⋮ Kaine ┈➤ (TW: Implication of religious trauma and sexual assault.) Kaine is Caedsexual and Sagesexual (And also bisexual + a transman). Kaine felt like at some point in his life, he did feel sexual attraction, but even then didn't have a great relationship with it growing up in a strict conservative background and then when leaving that, immediately jumping into risky and unsafe sex, but having that freedom to express himself was something he enjoyed; he didn't have to feel ashamed anymore, it was his choice to engage what he wanted to. Having that feeling of anatomy, freedom, self expression and the safety from it was violently ripped away from him though after being taken advantage of by his former girlfriend though, unfortunately. He spent a long time grappling and understanding that he was sexually assaulted; as he wasn't a "perfect victim" within the entirety of the relationship itself. He was in denial about what happened to him and how it did effect him– And he tried to fix it and make it "right" again by engaging in sexual activity frequently and unsafely again, but it really just made it worse. Until he met Jasper (his partner) I don't think he acknowledges really anything related to this. Kaine doesn't feel comfortable with the term asexual fully, since he knows he used to feel sexual attraction and have a higher libido. But being allosexual doesn't feel comfortable either, as he doesn't really want to have sex anymore, he just wants to feel comfortable and afraid. Neither really feel authentic; but Caedsexual and Sagesexual describe his experience and feelings.. He feels more comfortable using those to identify with and feel comfortable. Even if it doesn't feel exactly right; functioning in an "asexual" relationship (one without the pressure of sex fully) with Jasper is how he feels the most safe and content. Nothing will really feel just right with Kaine when it comes to his sexuality, as a lot of people I've seen who are asexual and have sexual trauma don't tend to feel the most "authentic" due to complicated feelings, reactions, etc to what they experienced, and don't really get closure for it unfortunately. I want to reflect how that feels with Kaine, especially since he his an older, queer, masc transman who's struggled a lot in his life.
✦ ‧₊˚ (2) ⋮ Jasper ┈➤ Jasper is asexual (and also gay + demiboy). It took Kaine a long time to mention his struggles with his sexuality with Jasper, but before then/wayyy before they were together Kaine engaged in a lot of unsafe sexual activity- slept around a lot with complete strangers who clearly only had their interest in mind. Jasper was inlove with Kaine since day 1 pretty much, so seeing Kaine "trust" others to intimately but being so distant with Jasper hurt a lot, and led Jasper to be very jealous and insecure. Jasper had a desire to be close with Kaine in the same way, but he didn't really want to have sex with him explicitly. Jasper wanted to be close and trusted; and that looked like sex to him on how Kaine trusted other people more. Jasper didn't really understand that fully though as this was his first crush he had ever had in real life, all of these feelings were new to him, so he didn't really understand his feelings at first. When Kaine opens up about his experiences, wants, needs and fears Jasper says something along the lines of "we could never have sex and I'd be happy with you still" not exactly but that'd the gist yk. And Jasper truly doesn't care if they have sex or not, it's not the part he yearns for in their relationship. But again, he doesn't fully understand that either and it takes time to navigate how he's feeling, which is that he's really just happy as long as he's trusted and loved by Kaine. Kaine and Jasper do end up trying to sleep together; but everytime one of them ends up panicking. In regards to Jasper, it's just a overwhelming experience + being aware of Kaine's baggage doesn't really bringhim into the greatest mindset when things get intense or intimate. After a few times of this, Jasper slowly comes to understand he really doesn't want or feel the need to go "that far" and he's much more excited doing OTHER stuff.. But even some of that stuff is more suggestive and boarding on sexual or kinky. So it's a lot to think for him what does sexual even mean to him, and what does pleasure mean, and desire and a lot of other stuff pretty much. He mulls on it for a while, but doesn't talk about it with Kaine for a while as he understands how delicate it his for the both of them, but especially him. Eventually, Jasper mentions to Kaine he's "probably asexual or something" and Kaine as feared does freak out as he's worried he pushed Jasper's boundaries (in the same way his were pushed in his previous relationship) or skewed how Jasper "really" felt based on Kaine's struggles. They communicate and talk though yk and fall much better into the structure of their relationship now with Jasper generally being more open about what he wants as it doesn't keep Kaine second guessing and in fear, and Kaine really benefits from not feeling pressured to really do anything inexplicably sexually. I didn't put this in the og but I dunno when else I'll ever mention it they're both asexual weird kinky freaks though good for them for feeling comfortable and safe enough to communicate that.
✦ ‧₊˚ (3) ⋮ Francis ┈➤ Francis is NOT asexual, but he was intended to be initially and I think it's important to discuss why I changed that concept. Francis is very apathetic, uninterested and introverted, so I was initially like "oh he probably wouldn't even be into it anyway" which BAD I was unintentionally stereotyping him to be a cold, indifferent, socially awkward asexual which is used in media quite a bit in a harmful way I mentioned on my main. But also.. I was afraid to write a disabled person discussing their sexuality, libido, desires, etc.. I think pattyly because as the time I was about 16-17 and didn't feel comfortable thinking heavily or writing this topics, but mainly because I was afraid and uncomfortable to discuss a disabled character's sexual needs/wants as it comes up a lot in the day to day life of disabled people. A lot of the time they are questioned about their sex life in a very invasive way and I didn't want to add onto that or have a character just be based of ignorant types of questions. But then I locked the fuck in and was like wow I'm actually adding to the stigma of disabled people not being able to comfortably discuss their experiences with sex because I'm treating it as taboo because he's disabled and I'm like infantilzing him by doing this. I want to discuss the loss of anatomy disabled people have from their disability and the grief he feels from his wife's passing and I shouldn't avoid those since they can be uncomfortable to recognize and think about how much it really does suck.
I'M TIRED I will do more of these throughout the next couple of days <3 but the og text is below.