On Cycle Tracking as a mental hygiene tool
I had this feeling creep up on me the past days. It happens each month, and no, it’s not “that famous time of the month”, it’s not the week of my period. Since I started cycle tracking roughly a year ago, I learned so much about me as a cyclical being, what it means to empower myself and my cyclicality in a society that is structured in a linear way. I learned about the individual ways my monthly cycle is structured, I learned to listen to the language of my body, to translate what it needs and to honor its wishes and boundaries, and I explored what each of the four phases has to offer me. I learned to feel incredibly grateful for being a woman, for having a bleed. It’s no longer a burden I just have to deal with each month - my bleed is a powerful source of wisdom, a time where I can perform rituals and connect with my energetic and actual womb space. This cyclical blueprint - at least this is what I believe - is something we all carry, wether we have a womb or not. The cyclical blueprint can be found throughout all of nature, and it might simply look different than what we’ve learned. It might be way less linear in its structure, and therefore harder to recognize.
So what’s happening right now? I am in my inner autumn, the time right after ovulation. When I ovulate, I am full of hormones that make me feel strong, that help me to feel connected to a general sense of trust. I feel more outgoing, and happily connect with others. The extrovert in me is much more on the rise. It feels juicy being in my body at that time, there is a deep connection to my sensuality and I enjoy being intimate with others and myself. Then, an egg is released, and I crash. The contrast is immense. My cyclical summer (the time before and during ovulation) is probably a lot easier for me to deal with, because it presents itself with qualities our modern world values a lot more than the qualities that are present in my inner autumn. During autumn, I feel highly critical and irritable. I am more tired, and I sense a desire to spend time on my own or with significant others who can deal with me being down. Before I tracked my cycle, I didn’t see the regularity in this monthly crash. Usually it “happens”, or let me say, Manifests on my 18th day of my menstrual cycle. Now I know. Now I can choose to be prepared. I can schedule something calm or uplifting in advance on this day, and not expect too much.
Honestly, without the tools of cycle tracking I was devestated regularly about losing my positivity. I felt hopeless about this repetitive crash, not seeing the relation to my hormone levels. I felt like a failure. Sometimes it got so intense, I even had suicidal thoughts. Today, I either manage to be really really caring, or I embrace this darker episode. I allow myself to see what this pain and darkness is pointing to. Many topics and feelings that I manage to ignore during the other phases of my menstrual cycle, will no longer be silenced during my autumn, and I have learned to be grateful for that. I no longer label all darkness that appears as PMS, and it’s no longer something I believe needs fixing. I use this time as an embodied meditation, and I try to see what happens when I dare to sit with my feelings, my gewy, not so easily loveable parts.
If this resonates with you, and you wish to find out more about how you personally connect to (or disconnect from) the phases of your menstual cycle, get in touch with me! I offer Embodiment Coaching with a focus on cyclical living. Oh, and if you don’t have a bleed, but still feel this topic is interesting, also don’t hesitate to get in touch. I would love to explore this topic from all sorts of view points.