🍂A new Milestone: 27th🍂
A warm welcome to you fit for entering this new age! For keeping alive and facing all these adulthood problems. Particularly, for still being curious in this life :)
Getting 27, is never included in my childhood imagination. I never expect to live this long. Many changes happen in the age above 25, I realize that I am growing at the emotional level. I become a woman, not a girl anymore. Creativity, working out, and journaling have become my staples. I have to deal with my hormones which sometimes ruin my days. I have to deal with the loneliness that sometimes sneaks out to my days. I am dear to being organized and clean (a messy place will significantly ruin my energy), which I understood why my mom loves cleaning so much.
I am still learning and working on myself. I know, I am still not completely loving myself. I am working to heal any wounds, reparenting myself, and become a better, a much better person.
26 Flashback
I can't say enough with my 26. The age where I was diagnosed with GAD and the first time to seek help from a mental health professional. I know, that the main problem of the issue is not my previous corporate environment, nor the bad treatment that I received from those people. When I observe myself deeply in my healing journey, I realize that everything that happened is just a kick-off from God for me to work on myself. The anxiety that I've got occurs because of my lack of self-worth, self-boundaries, and my trait as a people pleaser.
Although I often think that I am an introvert, it's not. I am an extrovert who constantly needs to be around people to recharge my positive energy. However, I tend to be a people pleaser due to my personality. I can give all myself all in-out to a person that I value. I nurture them continuously although I just have limited energy for my own. I neglect what they did wrong to me because I think it's my fault instead. Meanwhile, I don't let them know when I am hurting with their actions or words. I bottle it up.
I also realize my mental health problem is a stack of past wounds that I did not work on it yet. The wound that I left open without a cure first: inner child wound, father issue, attachment style, and so on.
#IDGAF
Several months back ago, I hate myself who didn't have control over her life. I felt really like a shit. Until I realized, that I was chasing validation due to my childhood pattern. During that time, my parents always want me to be more. And when I achieved that, they never seems proud of me. They never congratulated me. That's why I keep myself to be an ambitious one to chase everything a typical Asian-parents want. And when the herculean trigger came, I thought: Who am I? Why I can't just do everything that I want? Is this my life? Why I am still living under other expectations in this fucking 26 y.o? Am I a child?
From being over-anxious, mad, until becoming emotionally numb, lack empathy thru my healing journey. I see myself transforming to be a more firm woman. I don't know if it's late or not. But all those experiences in my 26-27th put me into the #idgaf mold.
The key learning
For the sake of myself, here's some key learning that my 26th taught me:
No matter who you are, you need to stand up on your own feet. And it would be hard especially because you're a woman.
Nobody genuinely cares about you, even your family. So you need to look back at #1.
There's no rule to make your life pattern. You don't need to keep the society standards weighing your life.
The expectation is so scary - and I hate it. Let it go, and you will be free.
The world offers wide opportunities. Your horizon is not just. covered in your city or country. You've got everything in your hand in this modern life.
Everything is temporary. Why chase it too hard? keep it slow.
Nature is the best healer.
When growing up, we all carry issues, and we have to work on them. Heal first, instead of bringing the toxicity to others.
Mental illness is not because lack of faith. It's just a quick test from God to enhance yourself.
Living privately is more engaging. Other people don't need to know what's going on with your life. You're free as a flying bird.
People have their undercovered problems. Talk nicely. Show empathy.
Never let your life be ruled by money.
Start a good investment, be consistent.
Don't make excuses to develop a bad habit just for escaping from your troubles.
Keep nurturing your inner child - keep those hands dirty with paint.
Keep learning. Everything your brain loves to consume.
Reducing sugar and sodium intake will help you healthier.
BE MINDFUL. Be present, it's the most important time in your life.
Keep the faith. Either you're in the highest/most down position, always remember the reason for your existence.
Always, always be gentle with yourself.
Marriage & beyond
Well, I don't think I am not ready for this one right now. I am still healing myself, learning to let got that traumatic experiences. I don't fully love myself yet, which is bring a codependency issue. I am still fear of rejection & abandonment. I just don't want to mirror my shit to my future partner and family. I am an adult, so I need to consider this responsibility.
Although I've turned down some of my parent's proposals, I don't feel guilty anymore now. Marriage is a sacred thing, and I want myself to have full control to choose my future partner, to choose a father for my children.
Well, I don't lie if this age I feel lonely sometimes. Or maybe a bit crying due to not having any person who I can rely on. I think it's true, that our instinct is really to live together with my other soul. It's a rare thing if a human can bear themselves alone for their entire life. Also, I don't know what it looks like my future significant other. But I do hope the universe will send someone who has equal energy with me and a charming mind & lovely attitude.
I am proud of myself. I never imagine that I can go this far. I know this is an adulting process, but I don't want that process to be underlined by grief. Adulting should be fun. What's the point to be 'an adult' if it's no more fun? Whereas you have time, energy, and freedom to do legally everything on your own. I don't know what things that will I face up in the future, but I just hope I can enjoy those things without losing myself again.
Je vous aime, fit!