Having an argument, and Bruce is trying to offer advice
Tim, sarcastically: Thank you so much, autism central, I think I’ll take it from here
Bruce, stunned: What the fuck?? This is friendly fire!
Hal: Gotta say, I love your Dad’s big naturals *makes squeezing motions with hands*
Cass, slowly turns around with horror etched on her face: What
Hal: *snaps picture* Lock Screen *flees before he gets stabbed*
Damian, his face very serious and stoic: Father, this mortal shell that I am bound by requires… *takes a deep breath* huggies
Bruce, trying so hard not to laugh: Did your brother teach you that? *pulling Damian into his arms*
Damian, satisfied yet slightly embarrassed look on his face: Yes, Richard said it was the best way to gain physical affection from you
Bruce: You just have to ask baby, maybe not like that, though, you sound pained
Bruce, watching Hal from afar: Hrn…
Dick: You’re so in love with him it’s redonkulous
Bruce, pleading softly: Please don’t say the word ‘redonkulous’ to me right now. I can’t handle it
Bruce: It’s a no, you guys, and nothing you say is going to change that. I’m putting my foot down
Duke: What if we kidnap Jason every night this week and force him to come to the family dinner
Bruce: …I’m picking my foot up
Hal: *saying something without thinking*
Bruce: *looking up at the cameras with a deadpan expression like he’s in The Office*
Alfred: I made beans and toast for breakfast. Later, I will make a meal with mushy peas
Bruce, who has traveled the entire world, has had all kinds of cultural food, and hates bland British food: Ooo yum… *strained smile*
Alfred: *nods and walks away*
Steph: That was a little flat, B man
Bruce: Shut up… whatever makes Alfred happy
Damian: I’m glad you share the same taste palette as me, Baba
Duke: What if we sneak out to go get some food? Like, actual food
Jason: Well, let’s fucking hurry before he comes back!
Bruce: Let me in there! I’ll do the surgery myself, I’m medically trained!
Nurse: You are not a doctor, Sir-
Bruce: I said medically, not legally!
Bruce: Oh, light of my life… get the fuck down from the fridge
Duke: But there’s so much space up here!
Bruce, coming back from doctors due to multiple fractures in his leg and a concussion: The clinician is calling it “trauma” or something
Bruce: Don’t know what the fuck she’s talking about
Bruce: I’m as spring as a spry chicken
Jason, driving him back from the doctor's appointment: It’s as spry as a spring chicken
Bruce: That’s what I said?
Bruce, walks into the study: ?
Steph, crying her eyes out: Wahhh!
Cass, comforting her: The delivery driver knows her by name. Asked if he’d be back tomorrow
Dick, who has frequent hallucinations: Everyone hal-nutes people
Alfred: First of all, it is hallucinates
Bruce, who also has frequent hallucinations: Hmm… I dunno, I think we should hear him out
Hal, bringing Bruce coffee: Here you go, babe
Bruce, smiling softly: Thank you, love *presses a soft kiss to his cheek* This is just what I needed
Hal, flustered and smiling dopely: Uh huh, no problem-
Damian, tugging on Bruce’s sleeve: Baba
Bruce: Hi, baby, how are you? *kissing Dami's cheek*
Damian, all smiles at Bruce: I’m good, Baba, I just wanted to see you
Damian, glaring at Hal over Bruce’s shoulder: Get the fuck away from him, he’s mine
Dick: Dad, please sit the fuck down!
Jason: Are you trying to sneak off somewhere? You know we can’t allow that
Tim: Seriously, Bruce, you’re just aggravating your wounds
Bruce: You guys are being dramatic
Bruce: I was lightly tossed over the hood of a car. I’m not invalid
Steph: Don’t say it like that! You got run over!
Bruce: I can’t just not give the kids in the alley joyrides in the Batmobile
Alfred: Master Bruce, they’re children
Bruce: They’re Gotham children. We're an entirely different breed. You wouldn't understand
Steph: I support this message
Dick, coming in from outside: Hi Ace, did ya miss me!
Ace, running past Dick to Bruce excitedly: Woof!
Bruce, petting Ace: You can’t really blame him, he’s my dog, Birdie
Bruce, at a restaurant eating: Oops *accidentally drops napkin*
Patrons: *scrambling to grab it, either to keep it for themselves or give it back to Bruce*
Bruce: *sigh* This happens every time
Cass, appearing with a chip hat with one half full of guacamole and the other salsa: Dad
Bruce, half asleep because it’s 1 am: Oh my gosh, I was just dreaming about this
Bruce: You know me so fucking well, I love you so much, princess
Bruce, overstimulated from being honked at: Jaylad
Bruce, at his breaking point: Go find the motherfucker who's been honking at me and shoot him point-blank range, please
Bruce, white knuckling the steering wheel, eyes distant: It’ll be considered mercy compared to what I want to do to them
Bruce, down the hall: Where is my sweet boy? My lovely little baby boy?
Batboys: *heads lifting up*
Tim: You guys know he’s talking about me, right? I dunno why you’re all looking up
Duke: In your dreams, spleenless, you must still be fucking sick. Get your head checked
Jason: Oh, and I suppose you think he’s talking about you? He’s known you for the shortest amount of time
Damian: Gentleman, please, it's hilarious to watch you argue when you know who he was actually calling. Your delusions will never cease to amuse me
Dick: Yeah fucking right, I’ve been here longer than all of you! I’m the reason why he wanted to have more kids in the first place. Trying to compare will only hurt your feelings
Batboys, eyeing each other: …
Bruce, still down the hall and in a happy voice: Come here, baby!
Batboys, scrambling to get to Bruce: Tati/Papa/Dad/B-man/Baba!
Bruce: Sometimes you just gotta say “I’m gonna kill myself!” Before moving on with your day
Duke, snapping his fingers like it was a slam poetry: Speak your truth
Bruce, talking about Tim’s weed usage: I’m not telling you to stop, sweetheart. All I’m saying is limit yourself before going on patrol
Alfred: It could be worse
Alfred: At least Master Timmothy wasn’t caught trying LSD behind the bleachers at school
Bruce, scoffing: First, I wasn’t trying, I was doing. Second, I was only caught one time; they didn’t get me any other time with my other stuff
Bruce: Hm? I didn’t say anything
Tim: I’m gonna leave… it doesn’t feel safe in here
Hal, bursting in: Spooky! I have an assassin problem. I need your help
Bruce, groaning: There’s always an assassin problem in this family!
Bruce: Yeah, you two are trouble, but not today's trouble
Hal, watching Bruce beat up an intergalactic villain who's made entire planets cower: I could handle that
*Record scratch* Like hell he can
Hal: I think we need to break up
Hal: I’m not good for you, and I don’t want to drag you into my personal problems
Hal: I could put you in harm's way
Hal: I love you so much, babe
Bruce: Good. I love you too
Bruce, wearing headphones and chilling by himself: …
Tim, storms in angrily: !!!
Damian, storms in after him angrier: !!!
Bruce, watching them yell at each other without being able to hear a thing: …
Dick, comes in, annoyed and starts yelling at them: !!!
Jason, comes in to instigate: !!!
Tim and Damian teaming up on their older brothers, apparently making up with each other: !!!
Dick and Jason teaming up and waving their hands around: !!!
Steph and Cass peeking their heads around the corner: !!!
Tim jumping on Dick’s back and Dick running out of the room: !!!
Jason grabbing Damian and throwing him over his shoulder before following: !!!
Duke, closing the door and leaving Bruce alone again: …
Bruce, who didn’t hear a single thing being said but is exhausted: … *goes back to reading*
Tim: Trying to collect everyone in the LGBT
Tim: I don’t have anyone who is nonbinary
Tim: Why didn’t you say anything?!
Tim: Okay, yeah, you would say shit like that
Bruce: Don’t care, more important things to worry about
Dick: I’m just… I’m a little sad you didn’t adopt me sooner
Dick: Yeah, I guess I was jealous when Jason first came around, and you adopted him immediately
Dick: Why didn’t you want to adopt me?
Bruce: You’re kidding, right?
Bruce: First, it was a different time back then, and I could only take you as a ward for the time being
Bruce: After a few years, I came to you and asked if you’d be okay with me adopting you
Bruce: You screamed, yelled, and hit me
Bruce: You told me, "If you ever try and replace my parents again, I’ll kill myself and make you watch. I’ll leave a note and make sure everyone knows it’s because of you."
Bruce: So yeah, I never asked again
Dick: I’m sorry… I don’t remember that
Bruce: *shrugs* Didn't think you would. It’s been years, Dick. I understand you were going through a tough time
Bruce: It still hurts, though
Hal: Can we have hate sex?
Bruce: But we don’t hate each other?
Hal: Yes, but haven’t you heard of role play?
Bruce, smack Damian on the head lightly with a wooden sword: I believe that’s another win for me, Habibi
Damian, frustrated: How?? I’ve trained in the sword my entire life
Bruce: And I’ve trained longer
Damian: But I am a master of the League’s sword technique
Bruce: No, you’re a master of the new and improved version
Bruce: When I was there, I did a complete overhaul, which is the version that you’re using today
Bruce: Don’t worry, I know you’ll surpass me
Bruce, surrounded by priceless jewelry and picking out what he likes best: Hmm
Steph: Damn, Bruce! This shit belongs in a museum *holds up solid gold bangales*
Tim: I think this one was in a museum… *holding up a diamond earrings*
Duke: You must’ve spent a fortune
Bruce, confused: What do you mean?
Steph: I mean… this shit would put a dent in any billionaire’s pockets
Bruce: I didn’t buy any of this. They gave it to me
Tim: … why would they do that?
Bruce: The world belongs to me
Duke: Ah… that actually makes sense
Hal: Just come over, I’ll make us food
Bruce: No thanks, I don’t eat
Bruce: Wait, that sounds weird. What did Tim call them? Pick me? Yeah, sounded pick me-ish
Hal: I’ll make one of your safe foods
Bruce: I love you so much
Batkids: This isn’t working
Batkids: Try different parenting. Act like Alfred *unaware of "parent Alfred" and only know "Grandpa Alfred" which is vastly different*
Bruce: I don’t see how that’s better, but okey? *emotionally neglects them and guilt-trips them all while being passive-aggressive*
Cass, sliding in to sit next to Bruce: I see you bought mangos
Cass: Please cut mangos for me
Bruce: Why? Your brother cuts mangos himself to eat. If you want to eat mangos, go cut them yourself
Cass: Fruit tastes better when you cut it
Cass: Dad, please, I’ll die without mangos
Bruce, preparing to stand up: You are so annoying
Duke: What’s one of your favorite Robin moments?
Bruce: Any? You’re not asking me to rank them, are you?
Duke: No, we’ll both get in trouble for that
Bruce: Hm, Steph wanted a main weapon. Like Dick and his escrima sticks or Tim and his Bo staff
Bruce: So she picked up a shovel for like, a week straight
Bruce: She was actually really good
Tim, having a depressive episode: I don’t want to survive
Bruce, yanking his blanket off: Up, sweetums, we’re taking Ace on a walk
Tim, slowly sliding out of bed: Ugh
Bruce: So let me get this straight
Bruce: You’re mad at me for not knowing something that you’re purposefully hiding from me?
Bruce: Do you see how fucking stupid that sounds?
Bruce: My love language is lurking
Duke: Aaah! How long have you been there?!
Bruce: I hate everything!
Bruce: I hate the world! I hate myself! I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin!
Ace, trots in carrying Bruce’s meds:
Bruce: Ooh, that makes so much more sense. Thank you, Ace
Alfred: Master Bruce was always going missing one way or another, promising he was going to run away
Alfred: Like that one time *recounts story*
Bruce: Ah, no, I was actually kidnapped that one time
Bruce: Yeah, you seemed annoyed at me, so I just told you I ran away
Bruce: Didn’t wanna stress you out
Alfred, eye twitching: Didn’t want to stress me out…
Reporter: And how did you end up in that neck brace?
Hal: I asked him to squeeze my head with his thighs
Bruce, blushing: Please stop talking
Hal: It was the best moment of my life
Hal: I wear this injury with pride
Cass: We need a distraction
Bruce: Don’t worry, I’ve got this
Bruce, walking out into the camera's line of sight: *smiles*
Paparazzi: *clamoring to talk to him or just get a picture of his smile*
Jason: Damn… I always forget how famous and popular he is…
Bruce getting detained for beating up an old guy messing with his kids at a gala
Police person, trying to cuff Bruce: P-please cooperate, Mr Wayne
Bruce, eyes dark and blood still splattered across his cheek: Do you really want to do this?
Police person, trembling and scared: No, Sir *fumbling with the cuffs*
Bruce, voice very close to Batman’s register: You’re going to let me go. Now.
Police person, in tears: Yes, Sir
Bruce, coming downstairs wearing a sexy revealing outfit: Hm
Jason, crossing his arms: No
Damian: You heard him, Baba. No way you’re going out like that
Bruce, amused: Oh? And why is that?
Damian: It’s too revealing!!
Bruce: I’m going on a date with Hal, it’ll be fine
Jason: Oh, we’ll see about that
Jason: Guys! Come look at what Pa is wearing!
Bruce: I thought you boys grew out of this
Tim: Dad, I’m gonna have to agree with them. This is... your shirt doesn't even have a back!
Steph: You look hot, like, out of this world sexy
Bruce, pleased: Thank you
Steph: Which is exactly why you can’t wear it. Too many creeps
Duke: Maybe you should put on a nice sweater or something?
Bruce, crossing his arms: I don’t want a sweater
Dick: I thought I threw out all your tight pants?
Bruce: So it was you! Also, this is insanely hypocritical coming from you, of all people, chickadee
Tim: That’s different! You’re our Dad!
Bruce: I seriously can’t deal with you guys right now. I’m gonna be late
Alfred: Hang on, Master Bruce. Perhaps it would be best if you did change into something less… form-fitting?
Bruce: Not you too, Alfred!
Steph: Like, wow, I feel like we need to hire bodyguards
Duke: Seriously, any sweater will do
Hal, flying in through the window: Hey, babe- whoa… whoa… whoaaaa… *staring at Bruce*
Alfred: Advert your eyes before I make you
Hal, flies down and wraps his arms around Bruce’s waist: Hurt me all you want, I’ll die for this sight a million times over
Bruce: Let’s go on that date. Now.
Hal: On it, babe. I can’t wait to show you off. I can fight bae, wear whatever you want
Leaves while the Batfamily yells and threatens to track them down
