#emfics

[dreamboymatty]

Vodka Kisses

summary: strangers at night aren't always a bad thing.

genre: angst

warnings: a lot of negative thoughts, alcohol

word count: 1'008

a/n: it's late and my head hurts but i felt like i had to write this right now. dan is basically me and this fic is what i wish i was doing and yeah it's sorta shite but w/e

People are laughing and screaming outside and it’s pissing Dan off. He hears their trainers slapping on the pavement through his open window (fucking summer) as they get closer to him, sounding so happy and free. He can practically feel the warm air, even from his bedroom, and,

god

, he wishes he had someone who he could wander outside with, completely carefree.

But, because he’s him, he has no one. Sure he has a few friends but they don’t care about him, not really. He’s simply not interesting enough, in his opinion. The incurable and all too familiar feeling of loneliness is returning and Dan isn’t sure how much more he can take. He needs something, anything, to drown this out.

And then he’s throwing his laptop onto his bed and pulling on his shoes and he’s creeping down the stairs, desperately trying not to wake up his parents. He grabs a bottle of vodka from the cupboard, slipping out the front door into the orange-lit street. He almost attempts to take a sip from the bottle there and then, realising just in time that it is July and there’s bound to be a few people mingling around, enjoying the heat.

Dan walks as fast as he can down the street, heart beating fast, chocolate eyes twinkling excitedly. His grip on the bottle of vodka is getting increasingly tight as he furthers the distance between himself and his house. Preferably, he’d like the distance to be at least a million miles but that’s not really practical right now.

He arrives relatively quickly at the park, unscrewing the cap of the vodka bottle and sighing gently as he finally takes a sip. He blanches at the strength of it but that’s okay. The park is one of the few places in this dump of a city that he actually likes. There’s a stream running directly through its centre and on either side of the stream the ground slopes upwards, like a little valley. Despite being referred to by locals as a park, the amount of trees is actually pretty sparse. But the ones that are there are big and full and comfort Dan in a way he can’t really understand.

He sits down on the top of the left slope, crossing his long, jean clad legs in front of him and gazes upwards. It’s quite difficult to see the stars as he lives in the city but being in the suburbs allows him to squint and occasionally catch a small glimpse of the twinkling dots in the deep-blue expanse of sky.

Out of nowhere there comes footsteps from behind him and Dan’s head spins around, half-expecting to see a murderer or something. Fortunately, it’s far from that. It’s a boy, tall and lanky, with what looks like jet-black hair (but then again it’s difficult to tell in this dim light) in a very similar style to Dan’s own.

“Oh I-I’m sorry, I didn’t think there’d be anyone here at this time, there usually isn’t,” the boy manages to stammer out, looking remarkably like a deer caught in headlights. Dan smiles in what he hopes is a friendly manner and shakes his head.

“Don’t worry about it, mate, I don’t mind. You can join me, if you like.” Dan pats the space of grass next to him, unsure as to that he is doing. His brains seems to be more or less working on auto-pilot as he’s never usually this outgoing. Normally he’s pretty shy, honestly. Then again maybe it’s the alcohol kicking in. The boy cards a hand through his hair seemingly nervous but then shrugs.

“Ok yeah, if that’s alright.” He seats himself next to Dan, accidentally brushing shoulders as he does so. Dan feels a shock of electricity shoot through his body and he frowns, jerking away slightly.

“Vodka?” Dan offers, holding up the now half-empty bottle. The black haired boy, which may actually be dyed on closer inspection, nods gratefully, taking the bottle from Dan and downing a considerable amount. He barely reacts to it, which is surprising due to how strong it is. Dan raises an eyebrow. He must be pretty good at handling his alcohol. He takes the opportunity to look at the stranger properly noticing his strikingly blue eyes and incredibly pale skin. He’s very pretty, the kind of pretty that intrigues Dan in all the right ways.

“Oh I’m Dan, by the way.” Dan takes the bottle back, setting it on the ground between his legs.

“Phil,” the boy, Phil, says with a small smile. His lips are cute, Dan thinks, gazing at them before tearing his glance away, the sober part of his brain warning him that he’s going to freak the boy out. He can’t help but shift a little closer to Phil, though, resting his shoulder against the other boy’s.

Phil turns his head, presumably to speak to him and then stops suddenly. Dan turns, confused, and comes face to face with those gorgeous blue eyes. He hadn’t noticed that they were at such a close proximity and obviously Phil hadn’t either. He thinks that he can almost see Phil’s eyes flicker down to his lips for a second but he can’t be sure. The vodka is almost gone now so he feels confident enough.

“Were you just staring at my lips?” Dan whispers, feeling oddly warm and tingly. Phil exhales slowly, his warm breath hitting Dan’s face and smelling strongly of cheap alcohol but Dan only has himself to blame for that. A variety of emotions seem to flit through that pale-skinned boy’s eyes, ranging from shock to fear to, just possibly, lust. Phil nods slowly and it appears that Dan has lost any ounce of self-control because he’s leaning forward and pressing their lips together and it feels amazing. They’ve only just met and they’re sort of tipsy but as Phil places his hand on his waist to pull them closer together, Dan couldn’t give a fuck about all of that. He doesn’t want this to end

[dreamboymatty]

Never Wanted To Be This Way

summary: dan's drowning in sadness and then phil happens.

genre: angst i guess i ??

warnings: swearing, mentions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts, depression

word count: 838

a/n; okay wow this is my first ever fic that i'm publishing so any feedback is appreciated greatly. i'm basically putting off writing my bb fic by spilling out how i'm feeling at the moment in the form of this shitty drabble thing idk i kinda lost inspiration at the end sorry ??

Dan is incredibly tired of being inside his own head.

This constant uneasy feeling that lurks at the back of his mind, waiting and waiting until he’s at his most vulnerable to strike. The feelings of worthlessness and loneliness that fly around his brain, buzzing behind his eyes and enveloping him. It’s a never-ending sadness and Dan’s fucking terrified.

Everyday tasks tire him to the point of exhaustion and it’s so, so frustrating. He simply has no energy left anymore. His appetite is dwindling, his parents are worried and his grades are a mess. The worst, most utterly unescapable part of it is that it’s no one’s fault, but his own. Dan let all this happen, ever so slowly he let his life crumble to pieces around him as he sat back, watching, in his little bubble of darkness and depression, uncaring and apathetic.

However, he doesn’t think he’s suicidal exactly, not yet anyway. There is no active wish to die inside of him but, when he thinks about it, that’s probably only because of his parents. Dan is absolutely convinced that losing him would completely ruin them, and there is no way he could do that to them. He puts no actual value on his own life, he just cares for his parents too much to inflict that kind of pain on them. But, that being said, he’s a lot less careful than he used to be.

After a lot of moping around his dimly-lit bedroom, eventually, Dan realises something. How utterly unimportant he and his problems are. The universe is insurmountably large and he’s just a tiny, inconsequential piece of it. At first, this helped him, a lot. But, terrifyingly quickly, the darkness of his depression crept back up on him, the black tendrils of its smoky being wrapping itself around his brain once more. His sadness suddenly felt invalidated and selfish, as if he was being self-centred simply by taking the time to dwell upon his feelings. Things are getting worse, Dan’s cuts are getting deeper and, fuck, he’s not sure where this is going anymore.

He is sick of himself and he’s angry and, honestly, he doesn’t know what he is. He has come to terms with the fact that he will never amount to anything and that he’ll probably spend the rest of his life alone. Literally every single one of his friends like other people more than him, therefore Dan has come to the conclusion that it must be his fault. If he was normal and interesting and just not who he is then surely at least one person would care about him as much as he cares about them. There has to be something wrong with him, there has to be. That’s the only logical explanation and Dan frequently relies on logic to help him make sense of this fucking bewildering world.

He does have one solace though, Youtube. How some stupid video sharing website became the only place he felt even slightly okay he has no idea but it happened somehow. At least for a short amount of time, he feels comforted, safe and happy. That’s not to say it’s all great however, sometimes simply seeing all those free, contented people in the videos he spends the majority of his life watching can upset him. They’re so accomplished and successful with all the companionship they could possibly need and Dan has absolutely none of that. But, regardless, it’s a huge comfort.

And then, Phil happens. AmazingPhil, one of the best youtubers, at least in Dan’s opinion, that there is. Phil notices him and for the first time in Dan’s life he feels needed. He feels like there is actually someone in this world who really, genuinely cares about him. And that, it’s the best feeling in the world. It’s the first friendship Dan has ever had that feels totally mutual. He skypes Phil every day, it’s a better comfort than Youtube ever was. This is a real person who wants to be his friend and maybe even, Dan hopes, his best friend. At first, his attempt at any sort of recovery is completely for Phil. Dan can see how much it hurts Phil to see how sad he is and he’ll do anything in his power to make Phil happy.

After a while though, the recovery becomes less about Phil and more about improving his own life. He still has doubts, of course he does, recovery is by no means quick and painless but Phil is always there to reassure him that Dan is without a doubt the most important person in his life. It takes a while but, slowly, Dan starts to believe him. Those nagging voices that remind him of his lack of any worth begin to fade until they’re at a point where they’re simply a whisper that Dan can easily ignore.

His recovery is going to take a very long time but now that he has Phil, Dan thinks that maybe, just maybe, it’ll be okay.