#emo text

[mae-yandere]

i don't know what to do with myself unless you're running me ragged, baby,

you know how to run me into the ground in all the right ways take what you wanna take whatyouwanna takewhatyou-

[daizette]

Supposed to hang out with the ex tomorrow for the first time since breaking up. As friends.

I realised today that I probably can’t do “just friends”. We used to meet up and then spend the rest of the day and evening together, parting only because I have a curfew.

Tomorrow, we’re going to see a movie, get cake after and then...leave separately. Because he’ll want to. I’ll want to stay with him. I’ll want to get dinner somewhere with him and marathon Avatar with him and do whatever else we’d normally do until 12am and he’ll just want to go home. Alone. Without me. 

Every hangout is going to be like this from now on; a good time ending with an unspoken rejection and me trying to smile through it like it doesn’t hurt.

I don’t see us hanging out much.

[daizette]

I’ve been doing ok the last few days. Instead of feeding my feelings of sadness and loss with painful memories, I’ve just been letting them flow. Observing them and then turning my thoughts elsewhere instead of holding onto the pain when it arises.

His heart has always been occupied by someone else. It’s never been mine. This renders what we had void.

And seeing it this way has helped me massively. The memories don’t rise up anymore. I don’t feel like I’ll be tempted to do anything silly next time we meet (which will be on Monday for a movie). It just doesn’t make any sense to miss something that never was. 

[daizette]

Ahhh, here it is. Rock bottom, lol. Because I’m at the point where I’m thinking, “Maybe it doesn’t matter that he’d go back to her tomorrow if she wanted it. The chances of her asking him back are slim. Maybe we can just get back together and I can love him without expecting love in return.”

Which is really, truly pathetic. But what about him? He hasn’t seen her in 3 years and he still loves her. What’s he meant to do? Just go through the rest of his life never knowing the joy of another relationship because he can’t give himself fully? He shouldn’t have to do that. He’ll probably end up with someone who can handle it - why not me?

I mean, what else am I going to do? Now that I know what it’s like to be attracted to someone both mentally AND physically, I can’t go back. I dated someone for 9 years and that person was wonderful (I loved him and still miss and care for him deeply!) but lack of strong, mutual attraction did put unnecessary strain on the relationship sometimes. 

But the chances of someone new falling for me are slim (I don’t get out much or form new connections easily) and the chances of me being attracted to them back - mentally AND physically - are almost non-existant.

So is he just meant to be single and pining his whole life while I move on and settle for the first person I find who’s nice-enough-I-guess? Because that’s what it feels like I’m signing us up for.

[daizette]

I broke up with my boyfriend last night and it’s been a horrible day. 

We only dated for 2 months but we knew each other before that. He’s the first and only man I’ve ever been sexually attracted to? Before I met him, I genuinely thought I was ace. 

He’s handsome, intelligent, confident, talented. He likes yoga and crystals and poetry and books and BDSM and the occasional anime. The dream combination, tbh, with a beautiful soul to match. And I guess one day I’ll find someone new but it’ll be extremely hard to beat that combination and right now, I really don’t want to. I want him. :(

We broke up because his ex who deals with some stuff was having a particularly bad night and while he was texting her, trying to help her, he realised he was still in love with her. And he told me. He told me he’d always be there for her and he’d always choose her first, and he still wanted to keep seeing me but he thought I should know about this realisation.

And I think I’ve fallen a bit in love with him, so I broke it off before I could fall any further. I cannot go through the pain of loving someone who cannot love me back.

But it hurts so much and I cry constantly and we’re trying to be friends but I don’t want friends, friends is shit! All those people saying “friendzone” is a bad word because "friendship is just as valuable as romantic relationships” are deluded, the friendzone is real and it’s a SHIT PLACE. I HATE IT HERE. 

[daizette]

I haven’t been on here much but I’m feeling pretty sad these days and I can’t just keep spamming Twitter with it. That’s an unfair (and boring) load to put on my friends so...I’ll probably be writing out my feelings here for a while.

I’ll tag them as “emo text” so people can blacklist them

[niniwis-uwu]

Ya no recuerdo los días en que me sentía bien.