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GUYS LISTEN I'M SO!!!!
Proud of myself
i'd gone for this small dinner get together thing and over there i. made. friends.
ON MY OWN (my sister wasn't there!)
I:
freely talked about my interests
freely talked about me
discovered commonalities (one of the people i met watched 2gether too!!)
MADE FRIENDS
these people were like 2+ yrs older than me and i think i actually made friends with them and i think they genuinely enjoyed my company?
my company!
keeping track of all the times i cry for the next week to prove that my antidepressants are Not Working.
day 1. cried twice. first time because i was upset that i was cuddling my cat for most likely the last time before he dies. second time was because i read some fanfic and i was sad that i didn't have a soulmate to play piano man for me. this concludes the day 1 log.
a little vent comic that i think has needed to come out of me for awhile
I’m trying to do things that are healthy when I feel not so great and apparently making food for @xancollins has become my new Thing
emotion log 9/22/18
That uniquely terrible feeling you get when the police sirens cut off in your neighborhood instead of the usual Doppler effect
i hope the second rain comes in the day so i'll remember it forever.
i'm feeling frustrated but there's nothing for me to take it out into?
i guess this is some sort of creativity thing, because i just, can't get words out? and everything i've written so far just seems flat.
like, i know i can do better. and i have done better.
and damnit i can write so well so many times! and AAAAGH i can't reach a conclusion? i want every chapter to have a lesson learnt or something to happen. but i can't start the next part until i give this part a conclusive ending.
and i have only today, and i want to put something out.
because i am scared that i'm losing interest yes, or rather just the skill probably.
and it's been so long since i've posted that i'm sure my (mostly unresponsive) audience will also lose interest and
i don't get why i'm fixated so much on a bunch of people i don't really interact with, and god, it feels terribly one sided? is this me being dramatic? but like i wish there was someone who could give me sign so i know where i'm going and where i'm taking this.
and this is probably just a long rant.
i know it's self-centred to expect a lot but fuuuuuck i wish i could talk about this story out loud and understand how other people perceive it!
but, i don't know anyone personally who already knows about my work and about the characters and yeah,,,,
but this is probably just a slump right? i'll be able to get out of it right?
at this point, writing this fic is kind of my only hobby really, or rather, my only outlet and i think for the sake of my sanity kind of, i don't want my interest in it to be sucked away.
bottom line should be fuck school and fuck the boards and fuck everything that makes me have to take time OUT in order to do something i genuinely enjoy.
ugh.
but if anyone reads this far, can you tell me what your experience of any kind of frustration feels like?
i think mine is this motor tension, i feel like hitting something or idk just flapping my arms or something because there's this weird energy build up and i can't put it through anywhere.
and usually at the end of these i have an angry cry and then feel drained of any emotion until i sleep and wake up.
it's really strange and also makes me feel really bored!!!!!!!
