#emousity

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All Backed Up...

WOAH. It has been wayy too long since I last blogged. Especially since I'm not even going to school... I don't know if I'm just being lazy or trippin' out but I have been weirdly having issues writing lately. almost like there is a blockage or something. Or maybe I'm just thirsty... lol who really knows. I'm in the serious need of a licence.... of the driving variety. Ugh. I have to get a permit again. That is so funky. Sigh... At least I don't really have a fear of it. Now it's more of a fear of the DMV... That place is a nightmare. Sigh... I feel weirdly clenched or balled up. It's been a weird time since I graduated High School. I think I kind of just put off living in a way during high school. I now it was wrong, I knew it was wrong. But I did it anyway because I just wanted to get through that funky time without ruining my life. Which was fine enough I guess. But now that I'm "done" I dont really know what to do. And although I'm quite aware of what I "should" want to do (Which makes me wonder if I'm a judger??) I don't know if I actually want to do it. Or what I actually want to do in the first place. I wouldn't consider it quite as "Angsty" because I'm not depressed. But I think it the same thing that the choices lady told me. She said that I'm not expressing myself. It is kind of true, and I always thought that I had people that could listen, but I'm not so sure, you know? I haven't tried to "spill my guts" out to anyone lately cuz it seems like nobody would care. The laziness and fogginess comes from being backed up, but what do I do? Can I do it alone, cuz I'm gonna have to at this point. Oh goodness...

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The Weiwa Diaries... Vol. 1 - Rebirth

Last Monday I actually rejoined Weiwa. I didn't go very long without it (about three weeks) I had totally died out on it completely... Crazy, no?

After facing some problems with incredible laziness, I decided I didn't really want to be that way anymore, and although I still don't quite believe I ABSOLUTELY have to lose weieght, it doesn't matter because I will regardless. I have reasons for wanting it now. For the longest time I have had the worst motivation issues... Almost as if I didn't want to lose weight. I remember people yelling at me saying "WHY WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!!!???" 

I, of course, didn't know the answer, but assumed I didn't want to because I never had.

To this day I'm not sure if I was wrong or not... I'm not sure if I ever will. After I decided I didn't want to be incredibly lazy, I started to change and think about things like the future and what exactly I want to do in life. And what more about myself that I would like to find out. Is there a fake "Optimist" within? Is there energy?

Is there someone who would like to hit the club?

Or is there just the same person, but a little less crabby? :)

Who would know, if not me?

But I want to find out.

That may have been what finally tipped the scale, also not wanting to feel AS inhibited. Let me keep my Inhibitions, just let them just loosen up a tiny bit on CERTAIN things.

So there you have it. I rejoined Weiwa (Weight watchers).

And...

I exercised three times this week. :O

I think I'm actually serious, and it scares the shit out of me sometimes.

Starting weight: 350.0 lb.

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Hurt

Hurt The pain in my chest softly throbs Like an ancient nervousness Supposed comfort fills my ears as I try to Become whole again. I feel almost broken Or perhaps even just cracked As I try to piece this together I wish for old times When things made sense My unrequited love for you offers me no recompense. My souls bangs upon its windows. I mourn for things passed I almost force out tears for relief. Insecurity runs rampant as I see the inevitable unfold. I blame myself as well as others. And all the while I conject That you know not that things are not right. That things are not well. My heart beats harder still. I want to scream because of this My heart cries out in pain. I long for expression I long for an outlet Throughout this desperation As this storm trembles within A moment of trascendance occurs. An undying hope rises from within. I realize that things will be different That things truly will be okay. That this will pass.

[ir-relevancy-blog-blog]

Determinate

Hello, sweet blog o' mine. It's been awhile. Too long, really. It makes me sad to think of not writing in you anymore. I hope it never happens. If I don't write in here, than I'll never be able to consider myself a writer. writers write, right? Anyways, I wish I could tell you of all the amazing times in my spring break, but those are mostly boring if you weren't there. I hate to bring up my dang weight again... but my weight symbolises a lot of my problems in this life, and it is a key component in my overall negativity. It's not that I make things out to be worse than they are, it's just that... Most things aren't great when you are exhausted. And another thing... although I have been much happier, I'm kind of freaked out by how lazy I am... It needs to change... I'm so lazy that I can just do nothing... for hours... Believe me I'm not even exaggerating. So I asked Heather what to do... I know, that doesn't sound like the best idea, but she's usually good at debate and I guess... speaks my language so to speak. And through a semi-weird/ very emo conversation/debate with her, I have come to realise that losing weight is something that I have to do, and also that I have a few other problems... I guess this is all an attempt to determinate myself. It's interesting to see the pendulum effect within myself. Society does it too. Well, you know what that one guy said ," The state is man writ large." Can anyone tell me who that one guy is...? lol I hate High school... 25 days until graduation.

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April Fool

I really want to write right now. Not really sure why, but when it comes to writing, it is best to just go with it.

Every time I try to write like this, completely aimless, without any kind of plan, it reminds me of how "they" always say you should always have a plan when you are writing something. And while we all know that plans are completely glamorous, they aren't always quite so easy to come by...

So let's see whats circling around in my head today...

There's that dang detention that I have to serve, or basically high school drama in general... Graduation coming, terminal senioritis that I am trying to combat... I think I have a D in music right now... :O Oh music class... why must you be so funky and unnecessary... I feel like If I ever wrote any music I wouldn't use any theory at all...

Except maybe to record it.

Then there's other High school drama, that I probably shouldn't get into... In order to protect the innocent.

Stupid innocent... always needing protection.

 Then there's the semi-horrid week that I had. (I couldn't deal with what was going on...) I totally failed my Divine mercy test... And I got a little depressed as I worry about my driving test next week.

Whenever I think about my depression I think about my weight, and how weiwa may or may not be working for me. And when I think of weight it makes me think of how much I hate that word and how long it has fully permeated my life. And how I now need blood pressure medication...



 

Perceivers



Judgers

   Meanwhile Psycho Babble flows throughout my mind as I deeply consider it as a future career. I think about my personality and how I was worried last week about becoming a judger. I think about how much Extroverted Feeling Judgers piss me off, but how I could never not love them. They are always so into what's "cool" and "normal" and they can be sooo close minded. I may also seem close-minded, but in all honesty, I only play a close-minded person "on TV" so to speak...

I believe the world is messed up in some ways, but I hate it when people say things like "Life isn't fair" or  "that's just the way it is." Why shouldn't life be fair? Why shouldn't it be changed? What the hell is wrong with everybody*?!?!?

If everybody* thinks like that just because that's what they were told, Then it never will change.

*not literally everybody...

But who knows, maybe I'm just an April Fool.

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Judger Juice

WARNING: PSYCHO-BABBLE AHEAD! I had some serious judger juice yesterday... whether I wanted it or not. It was horrible. If I'm gonna have the dang drawbacks of being a judger, I might as well get the benefits. And weirdly enough, I already have... Let me just start off by saying.... Wow feeling judgers! :) you sure do live the life!!! ...not Yesterday was horrible. My tiredness kind of left me acting like a funky feeling judger. I tend to think the last letter is one of the weakest for me, and it always seems to be the first one to degenerate. So basically, not only was I a judger today, I was an unhealthy one. And a feeling one. :O There is nothing worse than a selfish feeling judger. The day started out early for me, I was muy tired. I took a shower and almost passed out while I was in there. I got ready slowly while simultaneous nagging my mom to get up. She wouldn't, but I was somewhat trying to stay "chill" Suddenly it was 7:35 and I started freaking out. My mom got pissed. She took forever, because she "had to poop" and we ended up leaving at almost 7:45. It was horrible, and completely not my fault. I could feel the detention coming, I tried to tell her to go back, but she wouldn't have it. My mom said she would call in and say we were stuck in traffic. (At Bishop Montgomery High School, you can call in if you have a reason to be late and you won't get a detention.) This had worked in the past, so I calmed down a bit. But of course, Things farted out as soon as I got there. When I got to the school the attendance office was very crowded. I remember thinking how stupid the system was, because although I was only a couple minutes late, It took like fifteen to get out of there. When I got to class, I actually started showing a little bit of emotion because of how upset I was. It was shocking because usually I have some kind of control over it, sure the feeling of forlornness was deep, but the deep feelings are usually buried within. Plus it was music class.... Which really didn't help... I did really bad on a hefty assignment in that class... The next period was hectic on another level. In anatomy we have these funky group presentations where we have to present a gland of the endocrine system to the class and teach it to them. I had not gotten the chance to read the PowerPoint that made group made for our project, so there was a slight possibility that I would have had to "wing it" in front of the class. Government was semi-peaceful. In math I got the paper for my detention and almost flat out cried because of the injustice of it all. Jade was shocked at my feeler moment. It was horrifying. Lunch was ok. I was glad I had some alone time at first, and Kamara bought me some Takis :) The rest of the school day was fine, but then I had to go to the doctor after fighting with my mom about the morning. My INTJ (possibly F) Doctor told me I had to start on a blood pressure pill, So when I got home I exercised because I was horrified. I think today I'm back to my non-judgy self, I guess some alone time was all I really needed. And now, I leave you with this.