Jun 4
So ummmm...I have a job.
I've been employed since April and I have yet to find out why they hired me. But hey, I need money so...
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So ummmm...I have a job.
I've been employed since April and I have yet to find out why they hired me. But hey, I need money so...
on tuesday i sh'd because... idk, job, hormones, fatigue. i though i cannot go on like this, while not having energy to change anything about my situation.
since then, i chose to work from home. the sun started to shine again, thank god barely anyone has called the helpdesk and today, i once again noticed what a lovely click clack my mechanical keyboard does.
this is not some sort of "it gets better" post, it's mostly for me to document. to document that there is still joy, to document that i might very slowly have hope again.
it all really cements that fact that yes, while i might not struggle as much, i am autistic and it actually disables me. an intense 8 hour day is enough to knock me out for a couple of following days. it's a fact. and it's also a fact that while it helps to move, talk to people and eat good food, it will probably never be "fixed". it's hard to explain to people. when i desperately say that I had to cut all hobbies out because i am arranging my life so that I am able to handle my 9-5, they say, "it's really good to have hobbies, you know, it helps". I know it does, but it's really hard to do anything when your brain has been turned into a mush and your body cannot stand up. and that even if it could, it would have to use that energy to cook a meal so that i could feed myself.
anyway. I still have hope that i will manage to change my role in this company into something less... "on call". to use my strenghts in a role where it's not gonna matter that i am only able to work 6 hours a day if I want to stay sane. I really wanted a classic fulltime employment, but I have started to think i might actually be better off as a contractor, set a higher hourly rate and work less hours (oh, that sounds too good to be true).
i don't know. i am tired. thank you, our customers, for not calling us today. i really, really appreciate that.