#empresonal

[princessntheblog]

I am scared of relapsing. How do I ask for help?

[princessntheblog]

I am going to fight the first non black person who tries to cover any songs from lemonade lmao

[princessntheblog]

TW:Suicide

I need to just like type some stuff out and get it off my chest, this is going to pose as my new note I guess.

So things have been really bad for my lately, like as things stand right now I have dropped out of school again and I am living with my grandma because my mom doesn’t want me anymore. 

So to start things off some of you might have known that recently I tried to kill myself. I had been kicked out of my home and was living with a friend and I felt useless and bad and like a huge burden to everyone so I just basically decided that I didn’t have a future anymore, and that was it. I didn’t want to keep being a burde on everyone and I didn’t really have anyway that I could think of to fix it. I don’t have a high school diploma, so I can’t find a job because people ask like “why are you so old and not done with high school” and I don’t have an answer. So I gave up. I took the last of my money and bought as many pain killers as I could and took half of them which was somewhere around 80-100. I tweeted my “note” and assumed no one would see it, but then someone did see it and they alerted everyone who knew me and I got scared and called the police. 

From there I spent a couple of days in the hospital, I apparently said something incredibly messed up while I was on medication and it got back to the person I said it about, but I don’t remember saying it, and I definitely do not mean it. But the person who it was told to is understandably very upset, I am sorry for how this has hurt him. He feels responsible for what I did and that is just not true. No one is responsible but me, I wanted out and I made a bad choice. But the bad choice feels like it was calling for help. I am sorry for how I hurt him and I wish that I was able to explain to him what the truth is but I can’t do that and I can’t talk to him, and he won’t listen. As for the person who told him, I haven’t really spoken to her, she did more that just betray my trust she also hurt someone who I care so much about and took control of parts of my life that she had no business in, especially since I was under the influence of a lot of medication at the time, which is something that I know that she knew. 

Things have gotten a lot worse since then. I feel incredibly alone and like I can’t talk to anyone about how I am feeling. I have a couple of friends who I am very thankful for standing with me and I am sorry that this is probably going to be a permanent good bye. Not today, and probably not tomorrow but I am leaving and I am not wanting to come back. I feel guilty for what I have done but I don’t think that I can really stay in it anymore. I feel like my illness is causing me to take advantage of other people but I can’t handle this all alone. So once again I am giving up. I don’t have a plan and I don’t know what I am going to do but I want everyone to know that they can’t blame themselves. Everyone did everything that they could. I just feel too guilty to stay anymore. I have hurt every single person near me and I can’t sleep and I am in constant physical pain and most of all I am sorry. I know that people will be hurt again by my choice but I trust that they can get through it together. I just don’t want anyone to blame anything but me for this. This, like so many other things, is my fault and my fault alone. Again I am sorry and I hope that everyone can forget about me, and get through this. 

[princessntheblog]

Also I took my sleeping pill like 4 hours ago with an energy drink and I am super out of it so if at any point I stop answering people I want y’all to know its def because the conflict killed me

[princessntheblog]

I am having a super bad time right now, so like everyone who sees this should send me an ask or reply to this with something that just makes you really genuinely happy. 

[princessntheblog]

Am I the only one who is seeing some stuff in Zootopia promos that is like kinda gross in a racist way? Like I don't think the movie is racist but I think some of the throw away lines are picking fun at things that do not need to be made fun of. Like the one where the guy calls Judy cute and she makes a comment on how it's only okay for bunnies to call other bunnies cute, or when Nick is just touching the sheep girls hair and Judy scolds him and tells him to stop. Maybe I am looking into it too much but I really feel like they are poking fun in racial microagressions that take place in real life as though they are jokes. And to the people who these things happen to (me included) it's really not funny and I don't appreciate it being played up for throw away jokes

[princessntheblog]

animal death under cut

Fizzgig died last night while I was out for Halloween, and I have been sitting around all day trying not to think about it but here I am still thinking about it. I have a big assignment due tomorrow but I haven’t done any of it because I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel sick and sad and I have been thinking for like a couple of weeks that I should probably not be alive but I am anyway and now he’s not. I wish he was still here my room is lonely and sad now and so am I 

[princessntheblog]

I am really sick right now and I think my hedgehog might be like very close to being at the last part of his life. and like I have a massive test tomorrow that I really don’t think I can make it to, like I don’t think I can drive there and even if I do I would just fail it because of how stressed out I am. I need like a little bit of advice and like someone to talk to