Every Mentally Sane Girl’s Guide to Baby-sitting a Norse God. 9
Chapter 9 EMSGGBNG/ EMSGGBANG (what the hell, author.)
a/n : And now, back to mighty (and irritating) duo !
(sorry about the last chapter’s drama, had to do it. )
But Ayyyy
P.S. I don’t own Marvel nor any of its characters and ridiculously sassy, gorgeous, knee-wobbling, villains. But I do hope they give out one to me. I only own the plot and my foul-mouthed OC, Patricia (that does not reflect me in anyway.) .
(maybe sometimes)
(I SAID MAYBE)
Contains some crude language (as usual.)
Enjoy !
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Chapter 9 : Damsel in a Multitude of Distress
EMSGGBNG Entry #7 : Hiding your god’s true identity.
Norse gods are quite skilled when it comes to masking their true identity, you don’t have to exert that much effort on changing their physical appearance anymore. Just don’t forget to contain your anger when you realize that your god’s chosen façade appears to look hotter than you.
They’re more sadistic in nature than what seem and appear to be.
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In retrospect, there were a few things I've decided to make a mental list about.
Summer break's almost over and I still wasn't a step closer to my goal weight.
My increasing appetite has been uncontrollable lately.
I was no better than Katniss at finding food in this bloody house.
A norse god has fallen out of nowhere.
Apparently, he was more cocky than I'd thought he'd be.
A few days ago, he force-fed me my mother's questionable pudding. I threw up in the couch (and made him clean the mess afterwards).
I still couldn't believe I agreed to my mom's request to go with her.
I also couldn't believe I agreed to wearing something hideous right now.
Yellow was definitely not my color. Ruffles were definitely not my thing too.
I can feel the dress rip out on me any moment now.
I grumbled as a horrible reflection of me in a yellow ruffled dress send death glares not only to myself but to my poor choices in decision as well. I've gone from having an awfully shitty week down to a oh-god-what-am-I-even-doing shitty week. The fact that my mother had unknowingly came back without a week's worth of notice beforehand did not help with the situation at all. I had a hard time juggling my time, attention, and the number of fucks I gave to both my mom and my uninvited house guest who happens to be accompanying me right now.
“Oh darling, you look gorgeous. Stop making that face, you’ll only give yourself some wrinkles if you do.” Mom told me as she rested both of her freshly manicured hands on my shoulders. “Now, we wouldn’t want those, would we ?” She continued.
I groaned. “Ugh, you’re making me question my relation to you and the kind of dictionary you use to define the word, ‘gorgeous’.”
“It’s a mutual feeling honey, I wonder if the hospital even gave me the right baby to raise with.”
“Mom !”
She laughed in a way that made me remember that she still was, indeed my mother. Vintage looking or not. “Just kidding honey.” She bundled and fixed my hair to let it fall down on one side of my face. I smiled and examined myself once again on the mirror. Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all, I could at least just do this for Mom.
“I’m gonna let this one slide. Just this once. For you and Aunt Glenda.” I told her as I tilted my head to one side and lifted my arm to see if my figure looked okay without anything to cover it.
I was wrong.
The voracious summer treats had proved to be a hella lot worse than what I’d thought they’d be.
“You’re going to look stunning when you walk down the aisle, hun.” She cooed.
“Yeah right, and my walk of shame’s going to be witnessed by everyone. Thanks.”
She ignored me and continued to fix the bride’s maid dress on me. God, I hated weddings.
“I’ll be right back darling, I’ll just uh, go ask the lady outside for a size that’s more breathable for you to wear.” She patted my arm before heading out of the fitting room cubicle.
Did my mom just tell me that I was really fat in a euphemistic way ? My very own mother who possessed the same blood(questionable) and flesh as me ?
It seemed that way.
I huffed out another groan as the curtain of the cubicle was pushed through one side, revealing a raven-haired and voluptuous woman. Grinning in amusement, she arched one perfectly-shaped brow up.
My eyes widened upon seeing her and I quickly threw arms to cover the slightly low cleavage that the dress had.
“What the hell. You’re not supposed to be in here. Can’t you read ? This is supposed to be the women’s dressing room !” I hissed at her.
She crossed her arms over her chest. “That would seem to be likely true if it weren’t for the fact that I possesses the right physical qualities of a typical female body that you midgardian women seem to be so bothered and envious of.”
I rolled my eyes but never forgot to continue covering myself up. “I’m not up for your games today, Loki.”
She smiled mischievously, revealing those oh-so-perfectly white teeth behind her blood-red lips.
“But you look like you could use some.” Female!Loki shifted and crossed her arms over her large chest. Clearly, Loki was enjoying this. “Ugh, what is it with you midgardians and tiny spaces.” He, no she, groaned in disgust.
“It’s called industrialization and commercialism. Space is just as valuable as time here in Earth. ” I told him. “Now will please get out. I’m not supposed to be talking to you right now since you I’m mad at you. You must be forgetting about the fact that you lied to me.”
She continued to grin wider. “Did I ? I never remembered doing such a thing.”
“Says the patron of lies and mischief.”
“If you thought about it more thoroughly midgardian, I did, for a fact, tell you that I was mortal but you never asked if I still possessed my abilities.” She explained but I still wasn’t buying that shit.
I turned to face her and felt my blood boil up with anger. “So now, it’s my fault ? You could have saved me a lot of trouble if you said so earlier. I wouldn’t have to race my ass everyday to hide you !” I nearly shouted at her when I remembered that we weren’t the only ones present in the dressing rooms. I remembered about the vulnerability of Loki’s situation and of the information I was about to leak out and shout. I knew that for a fact, what I was doing was wrong in so many ways, but I just couldn’t stand the idea of handing him in, yet. And I couldn’t explain why.
“It exhausts me.” She said calmly.
I flinched in my place and blinked at her. “I’m sorry, what did you say ?”
“As a mortal, I can only put up with the guise for so long. It wears me out.”
I didn’t know what to say so I only took a step back and cleared my throat.
“You could have said so again earlier.” Was all I could manage to say.
She tilted to her head to one side, exposing the same pale flesh that Loki had even when he was still male. I should probably take him on more strolls, then again, the safety issue still lies on top all of it.
“If you hadn’t bothered to keep striking me with those accusations of yours before everything else, I would have given you the privilege to know more of what I should say to you beforehand.” She told me in voice that was way far from Loki’s but still possessed the mocking accent he always had in him.
I swallowed again, feeling undeniably foolish and selfish for my big mouth. I’ll remember to bring some handy duct tape next time. “I’m sorry… I didn’t know.”
Loki raised again her (I’m slowly getting used to it) perfectly shaped brow at me again. She was about to give me her reply when mom popped up unexpectedly behind her. And that gave me a mini heart attack. Surprises—for a fact, were mother’s forte, apparently.
“Oh hello there, Loqua.” My mother cooed to Loki. I’d introduced the name to my mom when I thought that I just couldn’t leave Loki alone at home. God knows what he could do in minutes, what more in hours ? And besides, mom and I were going to be out for the whole day. Yikes ! It was also before the introduction I learnt about Loki’s existing abilities, I was so fed up that I became angry at him for not telling me but now I felt awfully guilty about it. As I’ve observed, Loki wasn’t really keen on expressing others the real reasons or explanations for his actions.
Upon hearing my mother’s voice, Loki gave me one last look before turning his attention to my mother. Mom insisted that I should go bring Loki with me today and it was the perfect reason to keep an eye on him too, except for times such as these when I was showing more skin than what I was supposed to.
Loki smiled sweetly. Mom liked him in an instant back home, whether it had been because of how Loki looked (he totally nailed the style) or of the thought that her daughter finally had a stylish friend to go with that wasn’t male (if only she knew), I didn’t know. But all the same, my mother instantly lit up when she saw Female!Loki smile at her.
“Hello Mrs. Page, pardon me for my intrusion, I was just about to end my conversation with Patricia and was just about to lea—” Mom immediately cut her off by waving a hand at her.
“Oh darling, you don’t have to, I’m glad that you’ve decided to accompany us today. Tell me, doesn’t she look fabulous right now ? And no, I’m not letting you call me that again. Just call me Diana please.”
You could see the admiration shimmer in my mother’s eyes. Loki played his part well. Which reminded me of Tom and thought how cool would it be if they both met. Argh. My frustrations were working their way up to me again. I haven’t read any fanfiction lately so that must be it. I just couldn’t stand the thought of reading them when you had the real deal with you. It kinda gives me the weird vibes when I do like when I tried it once and it had been a Frost/Iron fic and oh man, the look on Loki’s face was priceless when I refused to meet his gaze afterwards. The smutty scenes kept on replaying in my head. It was hard not laugh and blush at him at the same time. I never realized that fanfictions could be this powerful.
Still, the thought tempted me.
I must confess. I was still a Hiddlestoner at heart, and no matter how much I tried to deny it, annoying as Loki was, his presence would often make my heart leap in joy when I wasn’t irritated at him. It was the closest thing I could ever get to being near Tom, and the fact the it was really Loki whom I was living with right now, made it better. This was my guilty pleasure.
I was snapped back to reality when I heard Loki talk again.
“How very generous of you, Diana.” Loki told mom in the sweetest manner any girl with a good set of acting skill would. “Though as much as I appreciate the look of Patricia right now, I think the colors, Green and Black, would suit her all the better.” Loki continued. And I gave a light chuckle. No matter what, Loki wasn’t just about to give up on the thought that all things around him should have the color scheme of Green and Black , and it definitely showed. Today, Loki wore loose green tank top that had been stylishly and loosely tucked in her skinny, tight, and form-fitting dark jeans. To top it all off, Loki wore heeled boots that stopped midway through her calf and a long scarf with black and green stripes that was wrapped around her neck. I had to admit. I was envious of the guise Loki took and as a woman, I felt intimidated even with the thought that it was still a man beneath all that guise. Dang it. My thoughts were drifting far again, wondering how Loki felt being inside a female body. Was this his kink ?
Mom crossed her arms over her chest and pursed her lips in deep thought as she examined me to which I only gave her a light shrug. She raised her index finger and waggled it at Loki, as if to emphasize her that Loki had a point. “You’re right. You have a point there. Black would suit Patricia more, give her hips more form, but…” Mom stopped and turned her attention back to Loki. “The fact that it’s a wedding that we’re going to attend, gives us the inability to choose the style and type we would wear.”
Loki frowned, looking really disappointed at my mother’s words. It was true anyways, when you were an attendee, aside from being the guest, and that you had an important role to play to, you had no power or say on what the bride chooses to let her maids wear. If you thought about it, this was an unending cycle of torture for women. Bride lets her maids wear something hideous to make her stand out, maids hate her for that, so when it’s the maid’s turn to be the bride, she could finally plot her revenge by doing the same. It was a vicious cycle where a lot of drama is usually found. I mean, who would want her maids to outshine her on her special day ? I don’t.
“I see.” Loki nods but I knew that we wasn’t feeling rather joyous about how weddings on Earth worked. The real question lies on whether Loki has been able to attend a wedding while he was still on Asgard. I doubted that. Loki seemed to be not fond of crowded functions unless he was the main highlight.Or better yet, he be the bride and let him have his undivided attention from his speculators.
He’s a full-scale diva.
Oh Tony, you wouldn’t believe what I’m seeing right now.
Mom pats Female!Loki on the shoulder once she noticed the disappointment showing on her face. “Don’t worry darling, we’ll all have our time to shine. Who knows, you’ll probably get a good catch and we’ll be the ones seeing you looking beautiful on the aisle.” She comforted Loki.
The look on Loki’s face was priceless. He made a face of disgust at the very idea of wearing a bridal gown. He recoiled away from my mother’s touch and I just lost it.
I laughed.
Hard.
I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I placed a hand on the cubicle’s wall for support.
“Tricia !” Mom called out. “How very rude of you.” She accused.
I threw my head back to laugh once more. Loki in a bridal gown ? Priceless ! I wondered who the lucky guy might be. And then flashes of vivid imagination filled my mind, Loki dancing in that sheen and ridiculously white bridal gown(take note, it was a strapless bridal gown) with her newly-wed husband, Loki scooping up some cake and feeding some of it sweetly to his new husband, and last but not the least, Loki being carried bridal-style by his husband as they leave the reception. God the idea was hilarious.
Feeling the last wave of laughs die out, I raised my head up to look at them once again. Mom looked unhappy whereas Loki only raised her brow again. Clearly he thought that I was going mad. And I was.
“Are you finished ?” My mom said icily while tapping her shoe on the floor.
“I am. Thank you.” I told her as I wiped the tears in my eyes but in general truth, I was still stifling a laugh. Loki continued to eye me with an odd look.
A tap on the cubicle caught all of our attention. The lady in charge for handling all the gowns at the shop cleared her throat.
“Hello Mrs. Page, here is the size you asked for.” The sophisticated-looking lady with a blonde hair fixed into a bun told my mother as she handed the exact same replica of the dress I wore but was a little bit wider, all the while eyeing me while she handed it over.
What. I eyed her back while I placed my hands on my non-existent waist and she excused herself after that.
Mom handed(more like shoved) me the dress and I held to it a while longer before eyeing them both, most especially Loki who looked eager enough to watch me change. Uhuh. Like that was going to happen.
Mom shrugged and left, leaving Loki and me alone inside the cubicle.
“Aren’t you suppose to leave now ?” I told her as I hanged the dress on the wall.
Loki chuckled. “We’re both women, there’s nothing to fret about.”
“Unless you want this hanger shoved up into your ass, you better consider leaving now.” I told him with my brow raised to it’s maximum level.
She flailed her arms in defeat and stepped out. I gave out a sigh of relief before spreading the dressing room’s curtain to isolate me once more again.
I eyed my reflection before reaching out to my back to unzip the dress all the way down. Thank God I was still able to do that.
When I was only left with nothing but my underwear on, I grabbed for the newer dress and looked for the its brand label and size.
I gasped.
Holy shit. Size 10.
Well I think I might have to renew my membership to the gym again.
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“You’re low in spirits today.” Female!Loki told me as we strolled along the streets, eating vanilla ice-creams as we did. It was already late in the afternoon when we were finished with the whole dress drama. I fixed the glasses resting on my nose’s bridge and sighed. I licked my ice-cream before responding to him.
Shrugging, I responded, “I went up two sizes.” And waited for her reaction. Loki squinted her eyes at me in confusion before licking her ice-cream in deep thought. And no, I will not tell you how that made me feel… (okay fine. I got turned on a bit. A BIT.). Loki, even as a female was still undeniably hot as she licked her third helping of the vanilla ice-cream. It was like having man-crush, only, like… it’s a female crush. Well, I have no other way of expressing it in words so yeah, there you have it. Apparently, Loki enjoyed the cold treat. Was this the effect of being a (former) frost giant ?
“So, what are you trying to imply then ?” She asked me as she licked the ice-cream again.
I stopped walking and looked at him seriously. He stopped all the same as he watched me eye him. “It means that I haven’t lost any weight. I just made it worse. Do you know how hard it is to lose weight ? Do you ?” I asked him like I was about to lose my groove.
Loki shrugged. “No.” Lick. “Though I don’t understand why you female midgardians care so much about your sizes and the way you look.” Lick. “In the end, it all boils down to physical images no matter how much you try to see into it.”
I pursed my lips and thought about it for a moment. He had a point though but I was going to start my senior year soon. As far as I knew, it was the closest thing to surviving the whole high-school drama if I kept myself in check with the norm, and the body size was a part of that too.
“Easy for you to say. You have women waiting for you back home, eager to get down and dirty with you.” I told him as I licked my first helping of the cold treat, nearly finishing it as I did.
“Like I said. It’s all about the physical aspects of the body we’re dealing with. I do not choose the women I bed through their physical sizes.”Lick. “As I’ve noticed, the midgardian sense of aesthetic beauty is highly appalling.”Lick. “ You make money through creating ideals for beauty and for what it’s worth, you are all blinded by your jealously that you forget what genuine beauty is really all about.” She finished as she ate the entire cone of what was left of the treat. “Ah, what a delicacy that was.” She continued by licking the remnants of the vanilla cream on her fingers.
I did the same and finished my own. “And that is ?” I asked with piqued interest.
Loki turned to me and smiled mischievously, flashing me, yet again, her perfect and white teeth through those blood-red lips. “It’s a secret.”
I groaned. “Oh come on. Tell me.”
She clicked her tongue as she pointed out to another Ice-cream stall ahead of us. I groaned. Loki’s tongue could have caught a Gangrene any moment now, but he didn’t and I sighed in disappointment.
We walked past a crowd of hipsters before reaching the stall. The male clerk with a horrible goatee kept his gaze on Loki (well on her jugs, actually) all the while I ordered. I cleared my throat to get his attention.
“Will that be all ?” The clerk told me with a hint of an annoyance as he turned to face me. Really ?
“Yes.” I told him through my gritted teeth. He told me the due total after that and I handed the money sloppily to him. He gave me my change back but in a manner that made me want to rip out his goatee and stick it to his forehead with a strong adhesive glue.
“Here. Rocky road.” He said as he handed the poorly scooped ice-cream to me. I let out a low grunt. “And Vanilla Mint for the pretty lady.” He told Loki sweetly as he handed her a large scoop of ice-cream on a cone. What the hell ?Scratch the previous thought. I’ll rip out his goatee then feed it to him along with the shitty ice-cream he gave me.
He winked at Loki before mouthing, ‘call me´ as he handed her a tissue with numbers scribbled onto it. Loki took the tissue and smirked at him. As Loki smirked, I already knew the thoughts running through his head. If it weren’t for Loki being mortal, Mr. Disgusting-Goatee would be on his knees, begging for his life to be spared right now.
Much to my irritation, I decided to grab Loki by the arm and hauled him away from the stall before anything else happened. We stopped halfway when a familiar good-looking guy stood in our path. He smiled at us and I felt my knees wobble so I held onto Female!Loki’s arm for support. The good-looking stranger looked like an All-American cutie with his toothy smile that made me remember—
Fuck.
It’s Jules.
My fifth-grade crush.
Oh wow. This was the guy I cried over for Valentines day in fifth grade. I had my mother teach me how to make a chocolate and was already prepared to give it to him when I found out that someone had stolen it from my bag. I wasn’t able to give him anything that woeful day nor was I able to speak a single word to him after we all separated our ways. I was a loser and couldn’t utter a single word to my crushes before without fucking it up with some unexpected moves, like sneezing in front of them or choking my own saliva. My own saliva, for crying out loud ! My own saliva even had to revolt against me from having a normal relationship with a guy. Luckily though, I met Jake, and Jake, was well, uh, the closest thing I could have as a boy-friend. Like a guy friend. He’s the only human possessing a male’s family jewels that I’ve ever come in close contact with. Though the whole fifth grade chocolate drama wasn’t really the most pleasant of my memories but it did teach me to place knives and other sharp objects in my bag the next time I decided to bring chocolate to school. And hot damn though, the years have really caught up to Jules well. Bravo, puberty did him good.
“Hi.” He said and I stood there, frozen, unable to form a logical reply for a while. “Katrina right ?”
“Hello.” I said stiffly. I felt a bead sweat forming on my temple. “Actually it’s Patricia.” I told him quickly while I was still in a daze with his cerulean eyes.
“Right. Sorry ‘bout that.” He chuckled right after apologizing and I felt my heart do a cartwheel inside my chest. At least he remembered a syllable from my name right ? That was probably a good sign.
“So how are you ?” He asked me as his eyes ran past me then to Loki’s chest where it stayed glued there to her for a long time. Apparently, Loki wasn’t bothered even a bit when he did that.
I let go of Loki and shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans.
Oh God. This could be my shot art finally having a boyfriend. Yay me !
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I, uh, uhm, okay…I guess. How about yo—”
“And who’s this friend of yours ?” Jules interrupted before I could finish as he flashed that bedazzling smile at Loki.
“Uhm yeah.” I gestured my hand to Loki then to Jules. “So uh, this is Lok— Loqua. A close friend of mine. Loqua, this is Jules…” The guy I fancied so much in fifth grade. “… an old friend.” I finished as I introduced them both.
Loki, on the other hand didn’t look as joyous as Jules had.
“Pleased to meet you.” Jules told Loki as he handed his hand for a shake. Loki’s lips thinned into a straight line before stretching wide into a sweet smile that looked forced to me but I doubt Jules had noticed it. He was too blinded by her boobs— err — smile, that he could care any less about it.
Loki shook his hand and it took quite a while before Jules let go.
“Ditto.”Loki replied.
I watched Jules’ face light up with interest. I sighed. I mean, who wouldn’t be ? Loki’s guise was beautiful and he too had a body women would kill for while I, on the other hand, looked plain and geeky beside Loki’s beautiful guise. Especially now that I had my glasses on. Damn my astigmatism.
Jules smiled his toothy smile but not to me but to Loki instead. “I know that we’ve just met but I was wondering if you’re free on Frida—”
I gasped.
What happened was an instant blur as Mint-tinted Vanilla Ice-cream came dripping down from Jules’ handsome face. Jules was able to close his eyes in time for the impact but Loki was quick enough to get my ice-cream and aim it for Jules’ face where it made some of the ice-cream get inside of Jules’ nose. It was really quite a horrid sight. Some of the ice-cream were able to get through Jules’ blonde and tousled hair. All in general truth, I could only do nothing but cover my mouth in surprise and laugh out loud before cupping it again.
Jules’ eyes blinked open and they went big as saucers as he looked at Female!Loki with visible confusion, his mouth hanged open while he raised his hands, as if asking for an explanation. The scene was so unusual that people all around us gasped in surprise as well. Some even had their smart phones up to take a shot of the event. Straight to Youtube I bet.
“Pardon me but my schedule’s not open for mewling pricks like you.” Loki told Jules’ with a grin and an attitude before grabbing me by the arm, and this time, it had been Loki who was hauling me away.
Apart loud name-call of ‘bitch’ that I heard from my former crush as Loki and I walked past the crowd building up, all I was able to make out after the scene were the giggles and stifled laughter that the crowd held.
As we left the scene, my mouth was still left to hang in awe as I watched Loki haul me away quickly. And when we’ve both reached a reasonable distance away from the mortifying scene, Loki slowed us both into a normal-paced walk before letting my arm go. We stopped at a nearby alley that was void of any people apart from us. Right then and there, before my very eyes, Loki shifted and returned to his normal appearance. And no, as much as I’d like to tempt you all to the idea of him looking naked, Loki wasn’t a werewolf so he still had his clothes on, and with that, he was now wearing the male version of his outfit earlier but with a leather jacket to cover his top. When he was aware that I’d been watching him the entire time he transformed, he only raised his dark brow at me. His typical and signature move when things were a mess.
And at most times, those mess were caused by none other than (drum roll please), him.
I watched the sun set over the sky and we both decided to leave the alley and continue the path we’d taken earlier so that we’d still be able to make it home, early. Still in wonder with what just had happened, I decided to ask him why he’d done such a thing to cause a scene.
I watched him grin but didn’t face me when he did. “I believe you asked me what was genuine beauty earlier, right ?”
I nodded.
He stopped midway and I followed suit. He turned to face me before grinning wider.
“Well, that man—”
“Jules.” I interrupted.
Loki ignored my interruption and continued. “— was a clear example of a person who’s truly clueless about what genuine beauty is.”
As a response, my brows only met in confusion. I wasn’t really following what he was saying.
He tilted his head onto one side before chuckling.
“You still don’t get do you ?”
“Nope.” I said sternly.
Grinning, he said, “Well it seems like I only possess the privilege and ability to see yours.”
He laughed and continued to walk on, leaving me with nothing but more questions gushing and running through my mind like a flowing river.
The only thing that bothered me was,
I paid a hella lot for the ice-creams just for them to be wasted like that.
