#enay talks

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I wish someone like Clints reptiles would talk about 5 lined skinks. They're soo cool 🤓

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Lil spood excited to see you (once they realize who you are)

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I found a little bitty grass spider in my room and now they're in a jar and I'm culturing flightless fruit flies :D

They eat really well too. Gave um 4 flies the first day, then 3 flies two days later even though one of those flies are like half their size

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Having glasses for the first time is really weird

Also thanks mom and dad for never taking me to an eye doctor.

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My professor seems to maintain eye contact with me, and only me? Maybe it's all in my head and he's looking off into space above me, but even if he's answering someone else's question he's looking right at me for long stretchs of time. It's a small class too, like maybe 15 of us. There's other eyes he could get to know. There's a good part of me that is very intrigued and really likes the concept of this attention. I'm actually pretty distracted by it. What it could mean. Of course even in the unlikely event it is actually something I wouldn't act on it. It's unethical and I wouldn't want to put someone in that situation. But that isn't keeping me from holding his gaze or laughing at his jokes as he blushes. He's goofy and goes off on nerdy tangents then gets embarrassed by it, and fumbles his way back on topic. I wonder if anyone else notices

Maybe I'm just having a ptsd month~

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Story time!

My parent’s own a little cheap motel and at that motel there’s a 6 foot jesus in the front so we get a good amount of people who are religious staying here. One guy who lived here for many years, Steven, is a 50-something devote Catholic man. like that’s 95% of his conversations kind of religious guy, but in general, he’s a good dude. homophobic as hell, but still a decent dude. It’s important for me to note that he’s also bipolar 1 and I’m not sure if he has a mild intellectual disability or if it’s all a part of his bipolar but he doesn’t seem to get a lot of social ques or personal space and is speech is really fast and he typically doesn’t produce complete sentences, but he still gets his point across pretty well. His writing is fairly clear though. So it’s safe to say I’m delicate with him, and accept things that make me uncomfortable that I wouldn’t let an average person get away with. (Like rustling my hair over and over or standing way to close. Pretty harmless) He likes the family and chats with us a lot, and he’s constantly asking me to go to chapel with him and my queer as fuck ass is not interested. So I try to dance around it and say no gently. eventually he moves out and somewhere in-between he get’s my number, I get his, and he texts me here and there. He texts me almost every sunday to go to the chapel and mostly I say that it gives me to much anxiety (which is true) and like years of this passes before he texts “Prayer could help you with your anxiety. Going to chapel could also help. Your close mindedness will not help you with your anxiety. The lord is much greater than your anxiety. You have to learn to take a step in faith” and him saying I’m close minded for not being catholic really bugged me, and I told him that I’m really not interested in religion. to which he replied “God made you and that’s the same god your not interested in, isn’t it ironic?” I had to stop myself from going on a “If there is a God he better fucking apologize to humanity. I am NOT grateful for this life” kind of rant. Instead I just clarified that I’m not interested in any specific religion’s rules or ways of praying. he then asked what rules I didn’t like and generally I said I didn’t like how corrupt organised religion is, too many people have been killed in the name of a god, or the cherry picked bible verses. He didn’t really have a response to this but to say that God is really simple, God is pure love. whatever

Like a year later, he’s still texting me like every sunday, I’m mostly ignoring his texts cus I’m over coddling him and one day he texts “I hope you are not trying to make our relationship one of the 10 worst I’ve had. I guess when you attacked religion I realized we could never really be true friends” and i responded “If you knew you didn’t like me that long ago, why do you keep contacting me?” Then he tries to take it back and blame me sayin “I do apologize if there’s been a misunderstanding. this kind of happens when we loose touch. I have very strong feelings for you and I realize that’s my problem. I’ve always like skinny minnies” He messaged some days later and asked if we could ever be more than friend and I flat out said No.

He goes to the same college I’m at though. 

So that’s the story of why I sneak around the college like a paranoid robber

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I don’t feel like I deserve the diagnosis of PTSD. I’m not a veteran. I didn’t sacrifice myself for others. I wasn’t raped. I don’t have flashbacks to a horrific violence. The things that have caused my PTSD seem so small, and it makes me feel incredibly weak. Like that’s all it took to leave me wrecked.