#ending recap

[uracilumbrage]

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> What a great flash that was.

[uracilumbrage]

oUr first and penUltimate, bUt no less fond, farewell.

good evening, lovelies.

it has yonks since oUr last meeting, and i’m afraid this one rings all too bittersweet—i am here to signal the ending of my and my brother’s long, twisting adventUre.

and thoUgh i shall be prolonging this final goodbye for as long as i can-- foUr, perhaps five sUb acts is the norm i believe?-- i am afraid it falls to me begin this final stretch of the tale.

first, a sUmmary of oUr entire tale.

my brother’s...coloUrfUl recap.

a lovely lalonde collaboration.

some sweet bros’ contribUtion.

it has been simply wonderful knowing all of yoU.

in the dreambUbbles i foUnd not only calUnoma -- the sister that coUld have been--- bUt also my own resolve. whether throUgh melancholic inaction or foolish jUdgment, i had allowed my brother to accUmUlate a ghastly, Unspeakable power—and he was Using it to bring death and destrUction to coUntless timelines, offshoot,  doomed or otherwise.

his procession of chaos was beyond the sanctioned limits of paradox space, and his sins fell back on my hands.

and so i was resolved to fight, once and for all.

bUt as i made my choice, another was being made before my eyes. thoUgh Umbrage had, in his greedy haste, sqUandered oUr chance at godhood beyond godhood, janUs had yet to trUly gift his boon – and paradox woUld not have it permanently wasted.

as i spoke my apologies, the memory figment of that great trickster spoke to calUnoma offering her the deal i was never meant for.

i do not know what he said, for my ears were not meant to comprehend. what coUld he have said to the cherUb who was never meant to play the game? she, who had lived for thoUsands of years, if not more, only to be UsUrped and mUrdered by a petulant child. what did he say?

bUt even then, i didn’t need to know the exact words to Understand what was happening. calUnoma was a good-aligned cherUb devoted to weeding oUt  toxins from all she protected.  when offered a chance to shoUlder that responsibility again, bUt on a scale so grand it was beyond Understanding, what choice trUly was there?

i sometimes wonder if, had i been in her spot—were i to speak to janUs as, perhaps, i was once meant to, if i coUld make the right choice. woUld i, coUld i, give Up everything i knew to  oversee and protect not jUst my timeline, bUt all timelines? coUld i make the choice to take Up the reins of the scribe of space, at the cost of my own wants and needs?

bUt hindsight is a tricky creatUre, and we oft attach a narrative to connect things that, from oUr limited perspective, simply were not meant to be. calUnoma was given her choice. and, in that same moment, despite being given no formal offer, so was i.

and I already knew what I had to do.

we began to plot oUr victory.

and no sooner had the deals been strUck—no sooner had plans been finalized -- when my brother, in all his impUdence,  arrived.

to his credit, he had already slithered into oUr dreambUbble, and had simply not alerted Us to his presence. no, he had decided to make a show of his entrance.

fitting for the pirate he claimed to be, Umbrage had also commandeered the golden dream ship formerly captained by miss serket. he said the theft was a cosmic jUstice, and that he was simply taking back what was his from, qUote, “A SPIDERY BTICH WHO SHOuLD LEARN TO RESPECT A BRO’S STYLE.” 

i cannot begin to fathom what his ramblings mean on a good day, let alone when he’s intoxicated on his own self-importance upu

flanked by a grotesqUe cew of hastily drawn mobsters, and with rose and her matesprit held hostage, my brother had broUght the fight to Us. 

the battle lines were drawn:  I stood on one side, with mr strider, calUnoma and miss serket’s band of troll ghosts; Umbrage was on the other, with his gang and a strangely familiar clown backing him. 

trUly this was to be oUr final and greatest game.

Until miss maryam took action, cUtting down my brother’s ambitions.

and jUst like that, it was done. 

before he coUld so mUch as jeer, my brother was slain where he stood. with Umbrage’s death, the enchantment animating his sketch gang fell, redUcing them to  the drawings they once were. in an instant, what was to be an even war was  tUrned into a lopsided roUt, and the clown was now qUite alone and absolUtley sUrroUnded.

bUt he knew better than to be concerned at these odds – and i knew better than to be hopefUl. horrified as i was to see my brother slain so easily— even then i foUnd it odd that horror, not elation, was my first impUlse at seeing his death – the memory of his ascension had not left my mind. 

thoUgh it had been in my relative past, i knew as well as any that calUnoma’s mUrder -- the theft of her body -- was still ahead for my brother . indeed, his bisection perhaps served only to facilitate her death.

his plans ran qUite deep.

>[S] Caliborn: Fast Forward to Uracil

[uracilumbrage]

Hey. And bye.

So I guess I’ll be picking up on the recap-to-the-end train. I figure since this isn’t the first part, I won’t need to waste too much time on the buildup.  You guys know the drill.

And I hope you like things fast and loose, because I sure as hell am not losing my shit at the prospect of expositing about that time I gave enough exposition to meet the literary needs of a lore-deprived post apocalyptic wasteland. I guess my curse is to be the wandering, rag covered old man, damned to tell unexciting worldbuilding shit till the day I breathe my last, dirty-bearded breath.

But shit if I won’t fight every urge to bore leather-laden quadpocalypse survivors tales of days gone by, and keep things to a coherent level. What’s that you got tucked away there? You ask, pointing at a hefty tome of ancient legends or some shit that I’m hiding away in the greasy flaps of my person yet uncovered by my dirty foam hobo outfit.

Not a god damn thing, I say, adding a gruff, now shut the hell up and sit down for good measure.

Anyway.

Recap.

Significantly More Obnoxious Recap

Significantly More Rolal Recap.

Let’s rock.

So short story of a long story short, when Calliope hits the dream bubbles, I meet her there as an embarrassing, but still no less rad, LOCAC frog.

 Yes, that’s right, the chill amphibious motherfucker  you saw looming in the foreground and browbeating seadweller frogs was the actual me the whole time.

It was this big mind blowing twist, and she was totally shocked, and you probably would have been too if you were there.

So Calliope’s is pretty blown away, but I’m not feeling like diving into the deep end of a reunion while I’m fighting off ribbits every other line -- so I have her pull me out a new body from an old drawing she did. Since her art isn’t complete ass, the StriderGolem is a bit more solid than her brother’s grade-A Shitty Doodle Men.

 I’ve got a pretty good handle on uniting fragments at this point, so I get my shit together and begin an explanation.

Which is to say, strap in for an explanation.

It turns out that when Calliope was bouncing all over the timeline, zapping shit all over into narratively convenient places. she managed to zap Sea Hitler herself to my own planetary doorstep,

For the Sea Hag, Earth was a prime candidate to restart her long-lost empire, and over the course of the 400 years or so it took me to get to my own doorstep, she managed to fuck that up in every conceivable way, but mostly in the ways that genocide the human race.

 But before I start going too wild about my little side story, I’m just break it down into the highlights: Like I said, just because I’m your unwashed wasteland storyteller, doesn’t mean I’m about to lure you into a starstruck haze of absorbed whimsy of a bygone apocalypse. Besides, you probably already know how this shit went down.

Anyway:

               -  The Condesce took over Earth, her first act as ruler being to kill her heir, Jane Crocker. Fortunately, she did so right as I and the rest of my friends were entering our session, so I revived Jane with the second most disgusting severed head kiss to ever grace paradox space.

               - Then she followed us into the medium. Credit where its due I guess -- you can’t really hurl severed heads at corpses and disappear an entire island without inviting some serious questions. And when you give a witch more than 400 years to figure out a question, she manages to find a damn answer, even if she has to force her way into that answer. 

             We didn’t have much in the way of session time before she reared her aquatic head and took over our session. We were able to play keep away from her for a while, pulling of daring escapes while simultaneously eroding all our social ties. But the Condesce was just about as tired of the cat-and-mouse game as we were, so she brought a pretty damn conclusive end to it.

              Her attack was two-fold. First, she recruited my shithead Autoresponder to coordinate her army of drones. I’m not sure how she managed it, but it didn’t really matter since he went AWOL pretty much immediately after his betrayal. But where the responder failed, Jane would take up the reigns and control Her Imperious Army with robotic efficiency. Needless to say, we were all pretty on point in saying she needed to trash that piece of shit tiaratop.

     Her second move involved penning the three of us down in one spot to better control our actions -- so she blew up all of our planets but one

               - She happened to blow up LOTAK while I was still on it. This would have been a lot worse if I wasn’t also in the middle of speaking to my Denizen who – okay, monster speech is pretty hard to paraphrase, but he gave me The Choice, and I accepted, and then I went from a prince to a frog.

Okay, so that last part was a little more important than my lightning round, succinct as fuck bullet points might have let on. I’ll do you a favor and go into a little more detail.

See, Yaldabaoth told me, in so many words,  that saving the session wouldn’t really mean much if Calliope’s brother was out there killing entire timelines, which he sure as fuck was doing. Lord Uracil, he said, was wiping timelines off the map left and right. Sure, his marks were doomed offshoots, but apparently those were the same alternate universes Paradox Space was trying to redeem.

Dude was flying around creation, taking perfectly good high school spinoffs or arbitrary crossover dimensions and killing them off before they even had a chance. It was a god damn shame.  

So I was given the choice to help her bring him down in exchange for a fighting chance at winning our game. Given that my planet was crumbling around me , there wasn’t much time to debate, but you know how these things are. It was barely a choice at all.

So I helped Cal along on her quest as a frog prince, then met up with her in the dream bubbles when Janus nuked the planet.

Funny how much dying goes into making a universe.

But once I finish my story, things cut to Calliope’s brother, who’s been palling around the multiverse with Autoresponder.

I always wondered where he got to, and I can’t say I’m super surprised.

The two have been hopping around timelines, wrecking small-scale shit and kidnapping spider trolls for some reason. They’d be doing some more heinous, timeline-wiping villainy, but having fifteen sets of memories bouncing around his skull is keeping Umbrage from getting his shit together.

After a frankly confusing heart-to-heart between Umbrage, the Responder and a few future selves, He ends up kind of…absorbing the Autoresponder Into his soul. To...coordinate his split selves.

Look. 

I’m not going to pretend to understand any of the more convoluted juju bullshit. At this point I’m pretty firmly convinced its something only comprehensible to superstitious green skull kids. But hell if this one particular skull kid doesn’t have a computerized fragment of my brain in his soul now.

I won’t dwell on that, and neither will you.

Cal’s bro, newly focused with mechanical efficiency, zaps his way into the dream bubbles.

Speaking of the bubbles, who should show up once I finish my steamy expo dump?

Well, actually, I’m still not sure, but they sure do appear to be some trolls and another cherub. And boy, is that cherub pissed to see Cal.

The other cherub – going by the name Calunoma -- starts going off on Calliope, growling and shouting about how it was her fault her bro got so powerful and stole her body, and how Cal should have absorbed her bro like she did years ago. Not gonna lie, it was a little awkward to watch 

Funnily enough, though, Calliope owns up to it. She says she’s been too blind to her true duties, that she let one thing or another, whether it’s her brother or a talking cueball take advantage of her. She says seeing her brother hijack Calunoma’s body was her wake-up call—and that she’s more than willing to help her and her ghost pals put an end to his reign.

But the ghost cherub stopped listening halfway through the conversation.  It turns out, we weren’t just in any dream bubble.

We were in Janus’ chamber.

And the denizen was following up on offer—giving his Choice.

To Calunoma.

[uracilumbrage]

Salutations for the first – and last – time.

It appears that duty has once again, in her age-forged and trial-tempered wisdom, has reached a single, gnarled hand out to rest her ignoble burden upon my shoulders.

Once more am I tasked to weave together the narrative webs spun and abandoned by a feckless lord, to serve as guide pro tempore  for an audience abandoned time and again.

Fret not, lovely readers. I shall continue the retelling of the end of our story with all due diligence, and until the curtains close on my leg of this final race, I shall not release the iron tight grip our quad-session quest has on your outstretched, longing hand.

You and I shall see this to the bitter end.

 To now the adventure, sparked as much by a single act of rebellion as it was countless manipulations from puppetmasters both seen and unseen, had been a convoluted tale shaded by a capricious author, an uncaring conductor, who filled the narrative with as many twists and self aggrandizing turns as he could.

But as the Seer of Light, it is my sacred duty to bring understanding and, with fortune, make a coherent story of this mess. And so I shall do just that, to the best of my abilities.

With some help.

First, the log of our adventure.

Second, Umbrage’s recap.

Let us begin.

Our semi-penultimate recapitulation begins with a step backward into younger moments in the narrative as a ghastly, and indeed at times ghostly, intermission of cherubs, and trolls comes to an end, and we at last return to the hero of space—Calliope herself.

Our return to sequential lucidity falls immediately after the cherubs’ ascension to godhood-- though, you would discover in short order, before her vile brother descended to the planet below to act out his egocentric "wintermission."

Sadly, with this Calliope chained to this earlier point in her personal history, she is none the wiser to her brother’s grander schemes, ignorant of the manipulations and murder to come. But ignorance is, as ever, bliss, and for a moment the scribe-to-be is elated. 

And, really, why shouldn’t she be?

Despite an initial lull in activity, she had stepped into her role as LOCAC’s hero, solving her planet’s quest as best she could to bring peace and prosperity to an entire planet of frog people. Moreover, her brother has just sworn to, at long last, work together with her to bring their shared quest to a close, whatever twists it may bring, and step as equals and siblings into their Ultimate Reward.

I really should have warned that girl. 

Calliope explores the dunes of the freshly-scarred Land of Malice and Manipulation in search of her brother, that they might continue their skaia-guided mission. But on that blighted land she would find nothing-- no brother, no sprite and certainly no frogs.

 She does, however, happen upon one thing: the fully unlocked station that was her brother’s base of operations for the duration of their session.  Here she begins to explore and experiment with her space powers, enhanced by the all-powerful juju she was ectobiologically spawned from.

A juju, mind you, that suggests far more cosmic importance than perhaps it truly warrants. For though it would play a key role in the ascensions to come, it was far from a final prize to be won. As the Lord himself said in his own...creative summary, the two cherubs were always meant to discover the juju, and indeed, were meant from the beginning to utilize it in the ectobiologicial process. 

It was not, as Janus had led Caliborn to believe, the game’s final boon, its concluding clasp of the shoulder before ascension, but rather its opening offer-- the extended hand of introduction before the Choice itself. True, it was powerful in its own right, and gave the cherubs an unsurprising boost in godly power, but like the cherubs themselves, only served as one half of a far greater whole.

 It would, in fact, serve as the receptacle for Janus’s parting gift, meant to contain the mighty energies he would bestow upon death. Indeed, in spawning their own egg with the juju, they would themselves act as the recipient and container of the Guide and the Scribe’s unlimited, reality-shaping power.

Or they would, if Umbrage hadn’t answered Janus’ careful offer with a hasty power grab. In reaching for his destructive ambitions, the Lord had forever locked the juju’s true purpose, ensuring that it would never hold their denizen’s final gift; but Caliborn, ever-impressive in his....creativity...would find other things to clutter his soul. Not that I would know anything about that.

I digress.

After closing a few causal loops, Calliope soon discovers that previously discussed juju, the very one powering the station that gave Caliborn a view of the multiverse around him. 

Following an unconscious call, Calliope approaches the juju, reaching out with the same powers it was enhancing.

But the two forces refuse to meet, and, like a pair of phenomenally cosmic magnets, repel each other. 

The scribe is blasted across her timeline, propelled by the juju’s canon-shaping force….

….while the juju itself is whisked away, repelled but intent on finding the lime cherub it had been summoned to.

Intent on making the Offer it was created for.

What follows is a brief interlude starring myself, trapped and entombed in a truly fascinating, if only slightly repulsive, tome of arcane narrative majjyks.

I was not alone in the Lord’s twisted realm, however; In my travels through the black heart of baffling masculinity, I am joined by a mysterious creature of the day.

This troll would serve as my guide through the eight levels of the bizarre abyss, lighting my path and keeping the rippling forces that assaulted us from all sides at bay.

We also had a lovely conversation, but I’m afraid it is simply past the point of being any of your business. I’d offer my sincerest apologies for this minor gap in the story, if it bothered me in the least. 

Suffice it to say, it wasn’t all bad in that book.

But the story must progress, and it does, following Calliope on her unwilling journey. Her space powers supercharged by the juju’s energy, the Scribe is flung across many locales across our shared timeline, reliving moments in her own session, to witnessing tragedies from mine. 

One briefly important detour sees her running afoul of one Heir of Breath, flinging the ghostly trickster on a journey he was never meant to make in this universe. His absence would perhaps be a disastrous lapse in internal narrative consistency, were it not to be quickly rectified -- but we’ll get to that. 

Most important in her wayward journey is a run-in with one Alternian despot, wherein Calliope is run-over by Her Imperious Condescension’s own flagship as it is arrives at the long-doomed Alternia -- at the very precipice of her universe’s total annihilation .

 Durable as she is, the cherub is fortunately not reduced to space dust upon impacting the ship; indeed, the collision is somewhat lucky, as rather than zap her away, Calliope’s burning powers react and transport the Condesce far away from the world she once called home.

But then, luck might not be the right word to use there, unless your idea of fortune precludes closing holes in the fabric of a hastily weaved tale. Such as I am, I might be too biased to comment.

What’s left for Calliope is simple recap, recursive as the idea might be given the context. Deposited outside Alternia, she makes her way into the apartment of a certain cueball creep to see the death of her alternate sister, which you already saw. Then she zaps her way back to her session and meets with John, which you also already saw.

What you didn’t see – the first time or the second time—was John and Calliope’s ensuing conversation.

The two hit it off, John being as witlessly charming as always, but primarily serves to give us – you—a glimpse at how John’s session played out. this would otherwise be a dark spot in the narrative, so far removed are we from the right to spy in on a private conversation between friends-- but John’s session was also my session, I can tell you the highlights:

               - Our session, already pushed to the edge of dubious failure, took a perilous swan dive into the crashing, blackened waters of utter desolation and defecation, all because the archagent attained the power of the Green Sun.

               - Dave died fighting  Jack, and because it was some grand heroic gesture, the death stuck. Jack also blew up LOHAC, but the Beat Mesa had previously been moved off-planet per Dave’s agreement with Hephaestus. If there’s anything about Terezi’s meddling that I can be thankful for, its for tipping us off about the nature of Denizens—and the God Tier system.

               - With the Mesa intact, we scratched the session and I died creating the Green Sun, only to die a little more permanently later on when a clown sprung an evil, mind controlling puppet on me.

Nothing too grand, I assure you, but not for some troll’s lack of trying.

But all things come to an end,and it was time to bid farewell to the Heir of Breath. It would be time before we would see him again, but when we did, it would be a reuinon hard fought for, and surely earned.

Calliope sends John back to whence he came, and for a moment, she feels very alone. In ascending to god tier, she thought she was taking the first step into somethiing truly wonderful. But here, now, she realizes the depths of her brother’s malicious ego, and she does not know what to do.

She longs for her friends, for guidance -- for a good night’s sleep. It has been entirely too long since she last visited the land of dreams, and perhaps now is the time to take a rest.

Perhaps, in sleep, she will see those her heart aches for.

And as the curtains close on the act, the Scribe falls into the gentle arms of unconsciousness -- and those arms send her to the next step of her journey.

And here we must part ways, dear, reader. It has been my intense pleasure to share this journey with you, and it is with some regret that I pass the torch along to our next narrator.

And for the record, let’s be perfectly clear: Caliborn is full of shit.

- RL

[uracilumbrage]

HELLO AGAIN. FOR THE LAST TIME.

OH BOY.

HERE WE ARE AGAIN. ONCE MORE. AFTER AN INCREDIBLE LENGTH OF SEPARATION BETWEEN YOuR DAMP. HuNGRY EYES. AND MY OH SO BEAuTIFuL WORDS.

WHAT COuLD HAVE HAPPENED? YOu WONDER INBETWEEN GIRLISH. uNMISTAKABLY OFFENDED SOBS. WHERE COuLD MY LORD AND uNQuESTIONED COMMANDER OF ALL THINGS WONDERFuL HAVE GONE?

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE PAINS YOu MuST HAVE GONE THROuGH. DESPERATELY TRYING TO IMAGINE WHAT I WAS uP TO.

IT MuST HAVE BEEN AGONY. TO HAVE YOuR NuMBER ONE COOL SOuRCE OF ENTERTAINMENT ROBBED OF YOu.

WELL. I HOPE YOu APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT I WAS uP TO A LOT OF COOL SHIT. IN FACT. I WAS uP TO ALL THE COOL SHIT! SO MuCH SO. THAT I RAN OuT OF SHIT TO DO. COOL OR OTHERWISE.

THERE’S NOTHING LEFT.

IT’S OVER.

YES. uNFORTuNATELY. WHILE YOu WERE BuSY NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE WHAT I WAS DOING. I WENT AHEAD AND DID IT ALL. AND NOW THE STORY’S OVER.

THAT’S WHAT YOu GET FOR NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THINGS YOu COuLDN’T SEE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT. YES. SINCE I AM A MAGNANIMOuS AND KIND LORD. I WILL DO YOu ALL A SOLID. AND RECAP EVENTS  IN THE WAY THAT YOu ARE ACCuSTOMED TO.

YOu’RE FuCKING WELCOME.

I WILL SuM uP THE TROLL QuEST. AND A LITTLE MORE AFTER THAT. THEN SOME OTHER DuMB PEOPLE WILL CONTINuE TELLING THE REST OF THE STORY. THEN I WILL RETuRN TO YOu. TO PuT YOuR SuSPENSE OuT OF YOuR MISERY FOR THE LAST TIME. THEN WE’LL BE DONE HERE.

NOW. BEFORE WE BEGIN RESuMING THE RECAP OF EVENTS YOu HAVE YET TO SEE. I MuST GIVE YOu ALL FAIR CONTENT WARNING. THE REMAINDER OF MY WONDERFuL STORY IS FuLL OF TWISTS AND SuRPRISES AND ALL KINDS OF SHOCKING THINGS. BuT ABOVE ALL. IT IS A TRAGEDY. WHAT I’M SAYING IS. PREPARE TO BE VERY SAD. AND CRYING. BY THE TIME THE STORY IS OVER.

SO LET’S BEGIN THE END.

FIRST: EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED FIRST. THEN:

 ENDING PART ONE: ACT 5: DuMB TROLL QuEST PART THREE.

WHEN I LAST LEFT YOu. I HAD uNINTENTIONALLY BLOCKED YOu FROM SEEING MY SISTER BEING DuMB BY CuTTING TO A SHITTY NOT-BLIND TROLL WHO IS *ESPECIALLY* DuMB. 

YOu MAY REMEMBER THAT SHE DID A LOT OF HEINOuS. ALMOST COMMENDABLE. BuT QuITE CERTAINLY FORGETTABLE SHIT TO THE PEOPLE AROuND HER. SuCH AS TuRNING CRABCAKE INTO A TIN CAN. AND HAVING A SuPER COOL DRAGON TO BOSS EVERYONE AROUND.

I ADMIT IT WAS ALRIGHT I GuESS. BuT I’M NOT A FAN OF TEAL TROLLS. MY TASTE IS MORE SuITED TO BLuE BITCHES. AND THEIR FEISTY DICE ROLLS.

BuT. I ALMOST LIKED THE PARTS WHERE SHE HuRT HER FRIENDS AND KILLED A LOT OF TROLLS.

SEE. SHE WAS BuSY BOSSING HER DOOMED TROLL FRIENDS  AROuND. BECAuSE JACK WAS PRIMED AND READY TO KILL THE FuCK OuT OF THEM! 

(SPOILER WARNING. HE DOESN’T GET TO! IT FuCKING SuCKS.)

 THIS ACE SLEuTH WORKED TO HuNT DOWN AND KILL HER LESS THAN LOYAL SuBORDINATES. LIKE THE RED RAM TROLL. WHOSE TIME MACHINATIONS NEARLY COST THE DRAGONTROLL HER VERY LIFE IN THEIR SESSION.

 THE SEMIBLIND LEADER HAD HER LIST OF SuSPECTS. WHICH INCLuDED MOST OF EVERYONE ON THE METEOR. AND SHE WAS WILLING TO HuNT DOWN THE TRAITORS IN HER GROuP TO THE BITTER END! NOT SINGLE TROLL WOuLD BE FREE FROM HER FuRY. (EXCEPT THE PuRPLE CLOWN. WHO WAS TOO HARMLESS TO HuRT *ANYONE* OF COuRSE.)

ON SHE WENT. FuCKING TROLLS uP AND GENERALLY BuLLYING EVERYONE. SHE WAS REALLY LOSING IT ON THAT METEOR!! SHE JuST KEPT GOING. EVEN THOuGH HER NAGGY SPIDER TROLL BFFSIE WOuLD *NOT* SHuT uuuuuuuuP ABOuT ANYTHING!

CAN YOu BELIEVE IT. THIS 8ITCH WAS TRYING TO STOP A PERFECTLY GOOD SET OF MuRDERS! OH SuRE. HER ATTEMPTS TO SWAY THE DRAGONTROLL MIGHT HAVE BEEN *POETIC* OR *POIGNANT* OR *A TRAGIC AND FuTILE EFFORT TO REDEEM HER FRIEND*. BuT AT THE END OF THE DAY. SHE WAS TRYING TO STOP TROLL MuRDERS. AND THAT’S JuST FuCKED uP.

FORTuNATELY SHE FAILS. AND BASICALLY EVERYONE DIES ANYWAY! EXCEPT MY JAuNTY CLOWN PAL. AND HIS OWN MIND CONTROLLED CHAINSAW FRIEND.

AND THE DRAGON TROLL I GuESS. BuT SHE DIES LATER ANYWAY.

IF BY LATER. I MEAN IN THE FAR PAST?

SEE. THE TWIST COMES IN THAT ALL THE SHIT YOu JuST DIDN’T SEE. WAS ACTuALLY NOT A FLASHBACK! THE GREATEST uNREVEAL WOuLD HAVE BEEN WHEN THE uNBLINDED TROLL WAS SHOWN TO BE DEAD ALL ALONG! TRAIPSING AROuND HER OWN MEMORIES IN THE DREAM BuBBLES!

YOu WOuLD HAVE BEEN VERY SuRPRISED.

IT WOuLD HAVE GIVEN ME LOTS OF POPuLARITY NOTES.

THIS IS WHERE WE WOuLD HAVE BEEN REINTRODuCED FOR THE SECOND OR THIRD TIME TO THE SELFISH SPIDER BITCH WHO uNKINDLY HIDES AWAY HER SKuLL WITHIN THE HOLLOWS OF HER GREY MEATS.

IT TuRNS OuT. SHE WAS TRYING TO FIND THE BLIND TROLL THE WHOLE TIME. BECAuSE OF FRIENDSHIP. OR SENTIMENTALITY. OR COWARDICE.

OR MAYBE TO SHOW OFF HER SICK NEW BOAT!!!!!!!!

AFTER ESCAPING FROM MY FUTURE SELF’S PRISON SHIP. THE SPIDER8ITCH DREAMED uP AN IMITATION PIMPBOAT. AND WRANGLED uP A CREW OF DEAD TEENS.  TO SAIL THE BuBBLES AND FIND A WAY TO STOP MY FuTuRE SELF. SOuND FAMILIAR? WELL IT SHOuLD.

BECAuSE SHE TOTALLY STOLE THE IDEA FROM ME!!!!! 

I WAS THE ONE WITH THE GOLDEN BRO BOAT. AND I WAS THE ONE SAILING THE MuLTIVERSE SEAS. AND STEALING uP DEAD SPIDER TEENS. AND KILLING A BuNCH OF TIMELINES! AND SHE. 

FuCKING. 

G8NKED. 

MY. 

STYLE! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

HOW FuCKING RuDE. RIGHT? BuT IT’S OK. BECAuSE IN THE FuTuREPAST  I’LL GET HER BACK.

THE GANG OF GIGGLING GIRLS KEEP uP THEIR LITTLE SLEEPOVER OF DRAMA. AND IT’S A LOT OF BORING CHARACTER BuILDING BuLLSHIT uNTIL THE BLAND OLDER SPIDER CHICK STARTS TALKING ABOUT THE BEST THING EVER: ME! 

EVEN THOuGH SOME OF IT IS TECHNICALLY TRuE SLANDER ABOuT HOW I MESSED uP.

 IT TuRNS OuT WHEN I THOuGHT I WAS BEING SuPER CLEVER AND AMAZING. BY TRICKING-SLASH-THREATENING JANuS INTO GIVNG ME THE SECRETS OF JuJu ECTOBIOLOGY. I WAS ACTuALLY THE ONE BEING DECIEVED ALL ALONG!!

IMAGINE IF YOu WILL. A HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE TIMELINE WHERE I HAD GOTTEN ALONG WITH MY SISTER. IF WE HAD. GAG. BARF. WORKED TOGETHER!! (uGH.) TO SOLVE THE PLANET’S QuESTS AND DO ALL THAT BORING SHIT WITH THE DuMB FROGS.

I GuESS IN THIS MADE uP SITuATION. WE WOuLD HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE JuJu FOR ECTOBIOLOGY ANYWAY?? AND THEN WE WOuLD HAVE BEEN *EVEN STRONGER* WHEN WE TEAMED uP AND BEAT THE DENIZEN TO DEATH. BECAuSE HIS LAME TEAMWORK DEATH BOON WOuLD HAVE uNLOCKED ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT FOR uS.

BuT INSTEAD I LET STuPID DICKWORM GET THE ONE uP ON ME. IN TERMS OF PRANKSTERS GAMBITS. AND I WAS FOOLED INTO MAKING uS REGuLAR OMNIPOTENT AND PERFECT. INSTEAD OF THE WIN THE GAME BONuS PERFECTION.

NOT THAT I CARE. I LIKED MY WAY BETTER. BECAuSE IT INVOLVED ME CuTTING OuT MY EYE. AND STEALING THE BODY OF AN ALTERNATE uNIVERSE VERSION OF MY SISTER TO GET MuSCLES. IT WAS BADASS.

ALSO!! I GOT A BOAT!!! I BET THAT STuPID FuCKING GAME WOuLDN’T HAVE GIVEN ME A BOAT.

ANYWAY THAT THE SPIDER BITCH WAS CRAFTIER THAN I THOuGHT. AND HAD EVEN FOuND THE GHOST OF THE ALTERNATE uMBRA THAT I BODYJACKED. 

YOu KNOW. THE ONE WHO WAS SuPPOSED TO BE uNIMPORTANT AND DEAD AND NEVER SHOW uP AGAIN IN MY STORY? YEAH. IT TuRNS OuT SHE WAS AcTuALLY STILL KICKING AROuND!  AND BOY WAS SHE PISSED AND READY TO KICK MY ASS FOR SOME REASON!

 IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S *MY* FAuLT SHE FELL FOR MY SNEAKY TRAP! SHE’S THE DuMB ONE! YOu JuST CAN’T WIN WITH WOMEN. CAN YOu.

BuT WOE AND BEHOLD. THIS RABBLE GROuP OF TEENAGE DEAD KIDS HAVE BANDED TOGETHER TO DETHRONE MY LORDLY ASS.

TOO BAD THEY’RE ALL DEAD AND I COuLD DOuBLE KILL THEM. SO THEIR PLAN WAS DOOMED FROM THE START!

IS WHAT I WOuLD SAY. IF THEY DIDN’T RuN INTO MY SISTER AND HER PRINCELY PAL. IN A SPECIAL. uTTERLY TERRIBLE. AND TRAGIC DREAMBuBBLE.

SPOILERS: THIS IS BAD NEWS FOR YOuR LORDLY HERO FOLKS.

THAT’S THE END OF THIS PART.

I WILL RETuRN LATER. BuT NOT FOR THE NEXT PART.