#endless depression

[dal1ot]

ENDLESS

[opendirectories]

[king----ghost]

I'm so scared. Everything is so expensive and I'm blowing through my savings that were meant for moving.

[cosmosogler]

ghgghhghghghghhh i taught class today and went to “sit and be sad for an hour” power hour and graded a section and drew four panels. (15 left in the scene.)

sarah decided to split up different aspects of my personality and label them. “judgment.” “fear.” “storyteller.” she kept addressing them separately and it was really making me uncomfortable. i don’t like being... reduced like that. forced to put borders where there are none. eventually she started saying stuff like “i think judgment and fear are the same person” and i wanted to say “they’re ALL the same person buddy.” 

every time i said something like “it seems like people like this,” she’d say “hello again judgment, go sit in the corner and let storyteller talk.” and by the eighth time i was getting annoyed. i don’t think she knows that i already have dissociation problems.

maybe that’s an excuse. i can’t tell if i was uncomfortable because it was actually making me uncomfortable, or if i was uncomfortable because i’m deluding myself and i gotta swallow this unpleasant TRUTH BOMB!!! or whatever. 

they’re not different people. different facets at best. i’m one person. looking at me from different angles doesn’t make me different people. i’m not fifteen different people each with a one-word label. not fifteen adjectives in a trench coat.

my homework this week is to write to the person she called “creativity” who apparently lives in my personality somewhere, separate from everything else. i don’t know what to say. 

she came awful close to actually making me angry today. maybe that’s what she’s trying to do.

i know i’m exaggerating her actual point. i know she meant something slightly less offensive to me. i’m all worked up about it anyway. she was starting to do it last week too, cut two bits of me apart when i kept saying they were overlapped to where it would be pointless to treat them as separate.

i don’t like being cut apart.

this happened in group therapy over the summer too at the hospital. i was “fake trying” to recover. i was making up excuses. i was avoiding the real problem. 

i don’t know what that means! i thought i was working on the real problem. navigating my present life and trying to come up with new strategies to deal with the new problems, where the old strategies (cry, hide in a corner, wait it out) don’t work any more. i can’t sit and feel miserable and sorry for myself all the time until i “have felt all my pain.” it never ends!!! i’m just gonna want to die again. and i’m already struggling with that without deliberately invoking it.

i just want to keep doing things. i don’t want to sit still. but it’s keeping me up at night. i had real depressing nightmares again last night. looking at the themes of my nightmares it’s pretty easy to tell i don’t like myself very much. i was hoping if i moved forward for long enough that problem would go away because i would have new things to think about myself! 

is she asking me to, like, larp as different bits of myself? i feel awkward enough writing for my own characters. even when it’s, like, a story i am writing. i feel awkward in my dreams when i am clearly acting according to some kind of internal script, even when i know i’m dreaming and i just don’t have any control over how the dream goes. especially when it’s just, out of character for me. i feel awkward when my individual therapist asks me to have conversations with her with me acting as different people in my life. 

writing for characters has gotten more natural over the years. but god it was hella weird when harrison told me i was doing a “blue-ism” the other week. i’d rather not spend even more energy thinking about the boundary between me and not-me. i’d rather, like, study physics, or tell a story, or do anything more interesting than put more borders between me and not-me.

i don’t feel like a person. i don’t feel like anything. i just go. cutting me up into separate and opposing adjectives makes me feel less like a person. more like i’m just a pile of broken glass.

i feel guilty because... those feelings get explored more in my story, i guess. i wish i could think about something other than myself but i dunno. the story feels right for the character. i feel like other people think about things other than themselves but, i know, i’m not a mind reader, and we’re all stuck in our own heads for our whole lives anyway. you can only have your own experience.

my head’s just so LOUD!!!

ok i ended up complaining about this way more than i’d planned. i started writing this AFTER my bed time and now it’s way late. 

my em test is not in two weeks. it’s next week. i was checking up on my grade and my last test score brought me down from a solid a into a b+. it’s not acceptable to the department to stay at a b+... but i don’t know how to pass this next test. i can’t take tests any more... it’s so demoralizing to get 100s on my homeworks and short-form quizzes but on the test i get failing grades!!! 

i know this problem would go away if i just knew the material better! i feel like i can’t learn anything any more. i can’t hold it all in my head. it falls out as soon as i finish the homework assignments. i can’t remember the stupid legendre polynomials. i always forget why they’re supposed to be there, or why we’re taking an integral now, how did they figure that out? i never would have thought of that! BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW THE EQUATIONS AND HOW THEY’RE RELATED, BECAUSE I DIDN’T STUDY GOOD ENOUGH I GUESS.

the worse i feel about my studying the less i want to study. it’s aggravating. it doesn’t help me pass the tests.

i’m really sad. i don’t know how helpful it is to be sad and upset every thursday. am i “feeling all my pain” in slow motion? every time i feel like i felt all the pain i can manage i just find more.  

 E͕͑̌͗͂͋̚ ̡̞̦͈̾N̷̦͍ͣ̔ͭ ̨D̐ͯͪ̾́ͦ ͥ̔̑̇̎ͧ̆L̗̥̩̯ͭ͒̀ͩ̽ͦ ͓͈̬͙̬͡E͊ͤ̄̚͏͈͍̹͇̯̯ ̬̣͎̞̘̔͛̒̅S͔ͤ̂ͫ͊ͧͩ́ͅ ̦̙̰̿̓̀S̰̼̣̈̋͒ͩ̏ͅͅ ̡̮̲̫̟̱̯̘́͒ͭ̋͑ͤ ͨ̃̇̈́ͩͬ͏̳̘̪S͉̹̩͓ͧ̿ͤ ̴̘̜̼̺ͣ̓U̞͎ͨ͆̀ ͯ̊̕F̜͚̙̳̖ ̲̝͓̻̍̋ͫͯ̃̉ͬ̀F̱̪̳̤̭̠̩͊ ̵̪̼͙̾ͤ́Ë̪̙͖́͑ͦ̇̂ͭ̐ ̜̣͔̮̣͐ͮ̂̾͞Ŗ̞̫̺͍̳ͫ̓̅͋ͥͩ ̘͗̂̕Ỉ̶͚̦̞̦͖ͤ̌̅͑̂ ̢ͯN͇̱̬̲̻͘ ̸̝̞͍̮̌͒̚G̳̟̟̪͍͕̦͑̓̿ͤͭ

ok that’s all. a good thing today is that i managed four panels and also tried to make something in the oven for dinner. i messed it up again and i don’t even like that dish very much to begin with. i think i was hoping i’d figure out something new to do with it, but i didn’t. that’s ok though i’ll get something i like better next time. suzanne said she appreciates how many new things i try all the time. i wasn’t sure what to make of the comment at first but thinking about it makes me happy. it reminds me that i am going out there and having new experiences all the time, any time i have the energy i go for it, and i like that about myself.

[romanesquecrisis-blog]

i think i still am in post concert depression

[veryangrysandwich]

So no one cares? Okay I'll just sit in my room all day and be useless and a waste of space like I am. Thinking away about life and the world. I swear, the reason why I'm becoming more and more like a philosopher is because of my depression. I also swear the reason I write music and create music is because of my depression. How in the name of Gordon Freeman can depression help and hurt you!?! But why. Why do I make music, why do I think so much and propose theories, if no body cares!

[kelflakes]

Jeez, SM

EXO, just come back already. I can't even express my joy for Super Junior's repackaged album because you guys won't release any teasers.

[janeintraining]

So, for the record, I was warned about Bright Star.

But it didn't matter. So good. So true (well as much as movies based on true events tend to be.). Depression for days. Might as well go read some Keats.