#endlessrambling

[madamepurr]

11321

I feel so lost. It feels as if my brain is riding a constant and endless elevator between depression and apathy and then panic and anxiety. For the last few days I have cried and/or had a panic attack each day. My brain chemistry may be to blame or perhaps it the reality that you really desire to share yourself with someone else. My panic tries to size up exactly how that will look for the other person who gets to share to the love you give to me. Will it be good morning texts? Constant compliments about how beautiful and lovely I am? Or perhaps it will be the physical things. Like stroke my arms, holding me tight, kissing my forehead. I cannot lie that the thought of you giving these things to another person does not deeply deeply pain me. I know that I agreed to this agony, assuming that the warmth and love I receive from you would help me feel secure and okay with it. I’m afraid that is slowly degrading into being untrue. I find myself going back and forth with thoughts of well it’s my insecurity and no, I just don’t want to share my partner with someone else because our love is special. Why am I not enough? I wonder. All the while knowing that I am, you just want more. And then I find myself back at the beginning and starting over. I am scared, so deeply deeply scared of someone else experiencing our love. Experiencing you the way I have, they way I do. I am so shameful for feeling so selfish. Feeling as if you are mine, though humans should not want to own other humans. I feel like I am experiencing a complete rewriting of my brain. I think the scariest part is the realization that I want to build something with you. I want a future of experiences, heartache, challenges. And I want it with you. I want your gap toothed smile staring back at me every time I say something so stupid it’s funny. I want your big brown eyes watching me as I exist. But that is the thing, these other partners what happens when they want that to? Who gets you? Surely it won’t be me. And I cannot process that loss, it feels like I’m being squeezed into the smallest closet, the door finally latching as it chokes me. Fuck, I love you so much. I don’t know if I can get through this, the obsessive thoughts, the fear? And then my brain lands it’s final thought. The nail in the coffin before the panic sets in….why do you not love me enough to just be with me if it’s what I want? Is it so bad, just me as a partner? This thought kills me. So I suppose I start over, thinking about what kind of music she likes, what she does in her spare time, your common interests, how her skin will feel once it begins touching yours. Has she sent you photos of her body? Have you talked all night like we once did? Each thought tearing more and more of the healing pieces from the open wound I’ve created for myself. I think, I suffer or I lose you and I suffer more. So I suppose this is a letter about how to suffer.

[madamepurr]

41821

Hi, hello, its me, again. My beautiful blog, my safe space. I treasure you.

Dear Alex,

First, I want to say that you didn’t deserve the amount of love I forced upon you. I emptied myself over and over again into you, in hopes that one day you would empty some of yourself into me. Instead, you took every drop of me, endlessly, without thought. I suppose I cant say I blame you, you were so so so empty. And here I was, willing to fill you up, without asking for much in return. I envy you for that, the ability to bleed someone dry without truly thinking about them dying from the lack of blood in their body because its now in yours. However, you do deserve love. See? See how I’m still trying to save you even at the end of this. I feel pathetic. I’m empty now, empty not because I’ve lost a great love but because I never had a great love. I gave all of my love and got nothing in return. I tried to mold and shape you into the partner I needed, but you never had the capacity to be that person. For this, I’m sorry. The start of our relationship was such an uphill battle, you were telling me to leave almost daily. Tell me how you didn’t deserve love, and being so confused why I was staying. I lost myself in this battle. I became fixated on “winning” you, of showing you how endless and boundless my love could be, if you would only choose me. Eventually, you did choose me. I think of this often, I wonder if it felt by force or perhaps it was an easy choice since I was validating and loving you daily, something you’d maybe never had. Either way, once we landed in a relationship, I was lost. Here I was, trying to give you feedback when you’d let me down, trying to communicate what I needed, you always promised you’d try. But that’s the problem. I was telling you, you deserved to be loved as you were and then I’d turn around and ask you to show up for me. You see Alex, you cannot show up for me or anyone. It’s so blatant that only through my fixation on you buying my love was I able to ignore it. You can’t show up for me because you don’t even know how to show up for you. You have no clue, and that’s your journey. So I suffered for months, trying to make this into what I knew it would never be. Bleeding myself dry, day after day, in hopes one day you’d choose or learn to love me the way I needed. Our intimacy fell flat because we were both forcing something we knew wasn’t what we really wanted. Yet again, I convinced myself that I was attracted to you and I wasn’t. I feel completely awful admitting that but its true. I never wanted to have sex because you didn’t turn me on. I spent many of our moments waiting for them to end, or figuring out how to end them. I thought this was me, my trauma, my issues but, it was just a lack of attraction in the end. Though, I could be wrong and you will never admit it if I am right, I think you felt similarly about me. I don’t think you were attracted to my body, you were attracted to the way I could make you feel so good about yourself. For the seconds I could give you free from the hate that burdens your soul. But this attraction has no place in sex. In the end, I abandoned myself again. I drowned her out with the promise that you’d love me one day, she would see, you’d care eventually. I let her go, assuring myself that I didn’t need to love her anymore. We had someone else that would, if we could just hold on a little longer. But, this was a lie. I held myself under the water until the screaming stopped. I let my lifeless body sink to the bottom of the pond and continued pursing this relationship. In the last 48 hours, I’ve swam down to the bottom of that pond, I slowly but surely dragged her out. I breathed air into her lungs, I gave energy and warmth to her heart and she came back to me. And when she returned she didn’t ask why I drowned her, she never wondered why I let her sink, she simply held me, and told me she loved me so much and we would rebuild together. My dear Alex, this was doomed from the start, Im sorry I didnt walk away, not for your sake, but for mine. I will miss the laughs, the small moments of affection. But, I wont miss everything I let you take from me. I hope these things carry you on your journey to finding how to take care of yourself. I suffered so I hope you reap the benefits of all that I poured into you. To the parts of you I loved, I’ll always love them. To the rest of you, do they fucking work and rid yourself of these rotted pieces of flesh that keep you buried in your own trauma. And please, don’t look me up when you get to the top of the hole you’ve buried yourself in.

Best,

Victoria

[madamepurr]

11722

I never wanted the burden of being in love. I never wanted the tears, the joy, the hope or the elation. As a little girl I never dreamed of my wedding, I never thought about how my prince charming would come rescue me from my horrid tower. I never dreamt about what my children would look like, or what kind of mother I’d be. Or the moment of excitement when I would find new life budding inside of me. I never yearned for a pair of warm safe arms to welcome me home, asking with such urgency about how my day was. I never wanted these things but alas I am here;

I am here. I am struggling. I am trying. You never fully understand the lovers card in tarot until you love another truly. I’ve always heard its like a mirror looking back at you, I found this easy to conceptualize when it’s in the context of loving yourself. But now, I truly understand it. Its the inability to run from your ugliest parts. Its your fears, your hopes, your dreams, all staring back at you. You put so much of yourself into your relationship, building a life with another human, you absolutely lose parts of yourself. When a caterpillar molts into a butterfly, we do not ask where its left its former self, do we? I suppose that because we find its second form as a butterfly as the better version. Like the caterpillar changing and growing into its butterfly form, we struggle in our relationships. But, we aren't alone while we are uncomfortable transforming. Our partner is there, loving us when we are our ugliest and in exchange we are there loving them in their ugliest form. I wonder, if the caterpillar knows in the end that they will become a butterfly, or do they just trust they are in the right place and what will be will be. How does he know he shouldn’t give up? Or should?

I don't know who I am anymore, and I'm very certain about that. I guess I’m just hoping I’ll wake up one day and I’ll be a butterfly, finally.

[madamepurr]

13122

After this weekend with my partner I am feeling, confused. I want to feel grateful, loved, special and I do not. We argued so much this weekend, it has exhausted me. I feel like everything is my fault because of my “mental illness” and I’ve never felt that way before. They left seemingly feeling okay or good. Why can I let it go? Let this weekend go, it’s over and done with and know we can move forward? This is so hard for me because I want to use this weekends actions as a guide to tell me what’s going to happen in the future…….and that’s not real. I do feel out of control, out of control of my emotions and my actions. I feel like I insult my partner every-time I go to speak my truth. Because instead of just asking or speaking, I accuse with the tone of my voice or how I phrase something. As if I am trying to lead my partner to the conclusion I’ve already came to without their input. This puts them in an uncomfortable place of feeling accused and perhaps psychoanalyzed. When in reality, I just want my feelings validated and to get a hug most of the time. I am at a loss, I want to take the day off, I want to drown in my bathtub, I want to scream. I am tired and I am desperate. I don’t want to lose this love, I want this person in my life forever. How do I fix this? How do I change?

[madamepurr]

21121 (12:03am)

27 and here we are. We have arrived.

Another year of hell, heartache and existence.

The entire time you were speaking on the phone I was thinking of how to break up with you, if I could do it right then and there. I was thinking “I cant do this, I can do this” it repeated in my mind over and over. I truly don't know if this person will ever be stable, if they will reach their goals and I can keep someone like that in my life as my PARTNER. I work because I want to experience life, I enjoy working hard and doing things well. ( Fuck that capitalist narrative tho)

I was so excited, my first valentines day EVER with a partner in 27 years, and yes its a hallmark holiday but it was a day, a day to hang out, to love each other, to spend with each other. You tell me about this job opportunity, then you tell me you might have to work on valentines day.....OH sure sure sure. I didnt buy a vintage valentine for you, and I didnt order a whole dessert box for us...go ahead just cancel our plans. I felt petty, but then you said you were going to dinner with your friends Saturday so we couldn’t hang that day. “But I’ve been planning this with them for awhile” LIES you told me you forgot it was his birthday when you were suppose to go last week and cancelled. SO WHY AM I NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO MOVE YOUR PLANS???

I’m your partner, I always show up for you, I’m just asking for you to show up for me. I spend our phone calls trying to convince you that you have value and you dont need to go on this medication. WHY? Why am I doing this to myself?

I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to do nothing all at once. I can’t do this anymore, this is not the type of partner I want. Im sorry, I love you,  I just cant anymore. I refuse to abandoned myself again, I love myself more.

[madamepurr]

121020

I’ve been trying all day to stop feeling. When the food didn’t fill me till I felt sickly full, I tried to burn my lungs out. When each cigarette didn’t hurt enough, I sat outside in the cold. Hoping that I could freeze myself numb. My brain feels like it’s on fire, but also like it’s silent. I don’t know if how I feel is valid or if I’m seeing things that aren’t real. I don’t know if I can love you, I’m already hurting. You said you wrote a song thinking about me, the lyrics were “you can’t save me no no no”. I replied I’m not trying to save you. I’m trying to make you feel love, and my only desire is to feel a little love in return. I have done so much to try to aceept where you are. Who you are, are you doing the same for me? I feel so very very lost and so very very tired. Why am I doing this to myself? Why are you suddenly more cold and self centered than ever before? Who are you? Have I really been this fooled by my own idealization this whole time? Or have you really shifted? My eyes ache from crying but they also ache with the need to cry. I want to die, I want to be with my family, I don’t want to do any of this anymore. I don’t want to exist in this pain any longer than my 26 years. I was born with sadness, I’ve always felt it, it’s always been in my eyes. It’s the sadness of my mother and of my father. It’s the sadness of my mother’s mother, my father’s mother. I hold their sadness for them as a tribute to their suffering for my life. But how can I stay grateful when the weight is so heavy? How long can I exist in this sadness before it crushes me? My sadness adds more and more, I’m waiting to cave in. And when I finally cave in to the darkness that’s within me, only then will I truly know the agony of existing. Bye.

[madamepurr]

112120

“Stay up all night...real love

For the first time....”

“ I see in shades of grey I’m going blind again....but when it comes to you my world is deep red.”

I’m kinda at a loss of words....you hold me with a softness I’ve never felt. I feel safe and I feel calm. Your skin is soft and hauntingly smooth. I don’t know how to feel about you. I love how much we laugh, I love how honest we are. I want to ask if this is something? But I feel as if I know it’s something already and I’m scared. I’m scared of truly letting someone hold me. But if you don’t fear, you don’t really mean it do you? Fear is the brains response to lack of control. Falling in love is being completely vulnerable and just going with it. There is no control in love. Love is radical and it’s brutal and it’s unique. Never happens twice the same way. I have love for you, I haven’t fallen quite yet. But this is me admitting that I could be on the cusp and I’m god damn afraid. This is not lustual connect, this is connection, true connection.

[madamepurr]

11320

Who will endure for me?

What do I have to say so people will know I’m struggling? I just want someone to stay, someone to stay and grab my hands as I tell them repeatedly to let go. I want to be alone but I don’t want to be alone. I feel crazy, I feel manic and I feel sad. I haven't felt like this in so long. Is it discontent?

I think its most scary that I will always struggle with this feeling, I can sink and sink and sink, I hope I fucking drown. I don’t know what Im doing, I dont know where Im going or even if I can get there. I’ve left everything that felt stable behind in hopes of finding something that makes me feel alive and full that isnt copious amount of food or people who will never actually love me. Why am I like this? Why is this my cycle, my existence? Is this even a cycle? My therapist paints me in a book like images shes seen in many books before. So is she really seeing me? Or just images that look like me?

I feel tired, defeated, lonely, over stimulated. I just want to crawl into someones arms so they can rock me back in forth. I want to feel warm and okay. I want to feel loved.