First, I want to say that you didn’t deserve the amount of love I forced upon you. I emptied myself over and over again into you, in hopes that one day you would empty some of yourself into me. Instead, you took every drop of me, endlessly, without thought. I suppose I cant say I blame you, you were so so so empty. And here I was, willing to fill you up, without asking for much in return. I envy you for that, the ability to bleed someone dry without truly thinking about them dying from the lack of blood in their body because its now in yours. However, you do deserve love. See? See how I’m still trying to save you even at the end of this. I feel pathetic. I’m empty now, empty not because I’ve lost a great love but because I never had a great love. I gave all of my love and got nothing in return. I tried to mold and shape you into the partner I needed, but you never had the capacity to be that person. For this, I’m sorry. The start of our relationship was such an uphill battle, you were telling me to leave almost daily. Tell me how you didn’t deserve love, and being so confused why I was staying. I lost myself in this battle. I became fixated on “winning” you, of showing you how endless and boundless my love could be, if you would only choose me. Eventually, you did choose me. I think of this often, I wonder if it felt by force or perhaps it was an easy choice since I was validating and loving you daily, something you’d maybe never had. Either way, once we landed in a relationship, I was lost. Here I was, trying to give you feedback when you’d let me down, trying to communicate what I needed, you always promised you’d try. But that’s the problem. I was telling you, you deserved to be loved as you were and then I’d turn around and ask you to show up for me. You see Alex, you cannot show up for me or anyone. It’s so blatant that only through my fixation on you buying my love was I able to ignore it. You can’t show up for me because you don’t even know how to show up for you. You have no clue, and that’s your journey. So I suffered for months, trying to make this into what I knew it would never be. Bleeding myself dry, day after day, in hopes one day you’d choose or learn to love me the way I needed. Our intimacy fell flat because we were both forcing something we knew wasn’t what we really wanted. Yet again, I convinced myself that I was attracted to you and I wasn’t. I feel completely awful admitting that but its true. I never wanted to have sex because you didn’t turn me on. I spent many of our moments waiting for them to end, or figuring out how to end them. I thought this was me, my trauma, my issues but, it was just a lack of attraction in the end. Though, I could be wrong and you will never admit it if I am right, I think you felt similarly about me. I don’t think you were attracted to my body, you were attracted to the way I could make you feel so good about yourself. For the seconds I could give you free from the hate that burdens your soul. But this attraction has no place in sex. In the end, I abandoned myself again. I drowned her out with the promise that you’d love me one day, she would see, you’d care eventually. I let her go, assuring myself that I didn’t need to love her anymore. We had someone else that would, if we could just hold on a little longer. But, this was a lie. I held myself under the water until the screaming stopped. I let my lifeless body sink to the bottom of the pond and continued pursing this relationship. In the last 48 hours, I’ve swam down to the bottom of that pond, I slowly but surely dragged her out. I breathed air into her lungs, I gave energy and warmth to her heart and she came back to me. And when she returned she didn’t ask why I drowned her, she never wondered why I let her sink, she simply held me, and told me she loved me so much and we would rebuild together. My dear Alex, this was doomed from the start, Im sorry I didnt walk away, not for your sake, but for mine. I will miss the laughs, the small moments of affection. But, I wont miss everything I let you take from me. I hope these things carry you on your journey to finding how to take care of yourself. I suffered so I hope you reap the benefits of all that I poured into you. To the parts of you I loved, I’ll always love them. To the rest of you, do they fucking work and rid yourself of these rotted pieces of flesh that keep you buried in your own trauma. And please, don’t look me up when you get to the top of the hole you’ve buried yourself in.
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