Final Revision
She woke up startled, her heart was racing furiously.The girl got her bearings, and realized this was just going to be one of those nights. It was either sleep through the night and battle a world filled with night terrors, or lay awake restless trapped within her own mind, thinking and thinking until she can’t take it any more…Option 2 it is,
She pulled her lethargic body out of the sleeping bag, made sure not to slip on her skateboard and grabbed her iPod and threw on a Halsey song called New Americana. She walked over to her backpack, stumbling as she went, and rummaged around for a while. Her fingers met that familiar feel of a round plastic tube. She grabbed it, felt for the lighter, and did a wobbly waltz across the living room and out the front door. There were no streetlights in this part of Glendale so she felt around until she found the edge of the porch and slumped down. She fumbled with her favourite nirvana lighter and lit up a brand new cone while she leaned back and waited for the weed to work its magic. As she was getting lit, the song “In the Air Tonight” by Genesis came on. After listening for a second she slipped into what one could call a conscious coma, haunted by the words of the song, and the words of people who once gave her hope.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” was all that Shanti heard before she was yanked to her feet by her aunt’s death grip, a routine that was pretty normal for the quiet neighborhood. “Did you have another seizure, or did you just fall asleep out here again? It’s practically noon.”
Shanti looked around, still slightly dazed, and blinked her eyes in the warm Arizona sun.
“Hello! Earth to Shanti, I’m expecting an answer here!” Shanti looked over at aunt Donna blankly and let a half assed answer fall out of her mouth before she headed for the front door. Aunt Donna blocked the disheveled Shanti from entering the house.
“Shanti, tell me why you keep pulling this shit! You’re not staying another night in this house unless we talk.” Shanti tried to shove past but Donna stopped her once again.
“I don’t wanna talk about it Aunt Donna, not gonna make any fuckin difference to talk or not to talk about it.” Her aunt moved aside, and Shanti walked in, making a beeline for the tv remote. She sat down in front of the entertainment center and just waited for the conversation to come.
“Okay so…spill. what is it that has been bothering you these past few months.” Shanti glanced over at her aunt who was sitting silent, hands clasped on her lap waiting patiently for her niece to begin.
“It’s kind of a long story…don’t you have work or something?” Her voice trailed off because she knew trying to get out of the conversation wasn’t going to work. Donna waved her hand through the air and set it on her nieces knee.
“Just start hun, we have all the time in the world here, it’s a saturday.” Shanti hesitated for a moment and then began.
“I stepped out of a cold dark movie house…” Shanti looked over at her aunt’s face who was less than amused and decided to begin again.
(Friday July 25th, 2014)
“Hey Shanti, were going to be late.” Mariana yelled as she walked towards the house with a bounce in her step.”
“Okay, gimme a minute I have to ring up my friend and let her know when i’m going to be at Bart so she can pick me up.”
“Okay, just hurry you have the wax pen that everyone wants to try.”
The girls headed to the house and knocked on the door.
“Who’s there” came from behind the door and Shanti spoke up.
“Jeanine, open up its Shanti and Mariana.” Just then the door flew open and Shanti was greeted with a bear hug from Jeanine who hadn’t seen them in forever.
“Shanti…Vijay got out of jail last night. I told him you ain’t around..”
“Whatever” Shanti said with a yawn, “I’ll take out the trash if it comes in.” They ventured into the back room, it reeked of pot smoke already. “What did i get myself into?” Shanti thought as she sat down on the floor. Pretty soon everyone was in great spirits with blunts and Shanti’s new wax pen that was being passed around, everyone was just having a good time.
Shanti realised she had an hour to get to the bus and started packing up her stuff, grabbed her skateboard and within 10 minutes She and Mariana were over at the bus stop in front of the Raley’s waiting for the bus. A few boys walked up and approached them, Before the girls could leave Vijay walked up.
“Where do you think you’re going bitch?” Shanti spat at Vijay, and he pushed Shanti to the ground. He sat on top of her, knees digging into her arms and brought his face close to her’s. He put one hand over Shanti’s mouth, trying to rip her shirt with the other. In his mind, Vijay owned Shanti…it didn’t matter if they were together or not. They were at one point, and this was enough for him to justify this. Shanti was used to this, he tried this so many times before. She raised her knee up and slammed it as hard as she could into his crotch. He fell back swearing at Shanti that she would pay for that. The girls ran to a nearby park, hiding from Shanti’s ex just in case he followed. Shanti got out her phone and rang up her friend that she was supposed to stay with that night.
“Hey, Angelica, like I missed my bus, so like I won’t be able to come this weekend, Sorry.”
“Do you need my mum to come pick you up?”
“No, dude you guys are 45 minutes out, and that’s a lot of gas it’s fine”
“My mum said it’s no problem, and besides where would you stay out there, you don’t have a house there anymore” Shanti thought about this for awhile and responded.
“Nah man it’s cool, i’ll sleep at the high school like I used to.”
“What the fuck no! my mum is coming to come pick you up now!” Shanti gave her friend the address and the hung up. Mariana was able to wait with her for awhile but eventually had to go home to her mum and left Shanti out in the dark.
Shanti’s phone started ringing, it was Elenor.
“Where are you, we pulled up to the lucky’s shopping center and you aren’t here”
“Shit, that’s the wrong one, there are two grocery stores on main, wait there I’ll come to you”
Shanti hung up the phone and skated off into the night to go meet Angelica and her mum. When she made it to the car she looked a mess, Shanti was tired and worn out and was hoping she didn’t smell like pot. She got in the car, said her thank you’s and proceeded to melt into the back seat. Elenor kept asking questions and Shanti responded best she could, hiding what happened that night from Elenor.
The car ride was a blur, when they pulled up in her friend’s driveway, Shanti made her way up the 3 front steps to the front door and heard the demon dog yapping inside. No matter how much Princess barked at Shanti she still loved her to pieces.
Shanti walked around the cozy living room and headed for the couch against the window and curled up. She felt her body slowly slip off into a new sort of state, one she had never felt before but she didn’t fight it, she let warm honey grip of the wax she ate take over. She laid there until Angelica’s dad came home and woke her up.
“What are you doing here Shanti?” Dean asked her with a bit of confusion to his voice. She tried to make some sort of coherent sentence to give to Dean so he would walk away. “Im Listening to Pink Floyd.” was the only answer she could manage to give. she got up, gave Dean a hug and wandered to the back room. There were two beds, Shanti chose the queen sized one of course and knocked out for the night.
Shanti stopped talking and fiddled with a poker chip.
“Shanti, keep going…you’re making good progress! the therapist said talking is good for you.” She could see her aunt tensing up.
“Can I just stop, and like leave…the therapist said it would be good if I talked face to face to Elenor!” Shanti turned away from Donna.
“No, you’re going to tell me what happened, besides you already told me half.”
“Fine.” She barked back at her aunt. “ I slept through saturday there!” She looked at her aunt again, Her aunt’s face told her to keep talking. Shanti wanted to stop, she didn’t want her aunt to know how depressed she was. She just wanted everybody to leave her the hell alone. Shanti got up off of the couch and paced around their coffee table. Shanti decided to keep talking.
After sleeping saturday away Shanti padded out of the room and realised it was Sunday, She went into the kitchen and was met by Elenor eating at the table. She slid a small cup of Italian espresso to Shanti and they both drank in silence for a minute, the doorbell interrupted the peace. Elenor came back in with two adults who reminded shanti of the goth kids from her old school, they had two or three little kids with them.
“Ohhh, Shanti, I forgot to tell you that our family from Missouri is staying for a week” Elenor introduced Shanti to her family. Shanti decided to leave when Elenor’s family began whispering things about Shanti
One week went by and Elenor’s family left finally. and Shanti headed over a day after, climbed the stairs to Angelica’s house and gave the doorbell a ring. Elenor answered the door and wouldn’t open it more than 2 inches.
“Oh…Shanti…I can’t have you come in if Dean isn’t here, you’ll have to come back another day, I’m sorry” Shanti was taken aback, she had no clue what was going on. Three or Four days later some kid at her previous school sent her a screenshot of a text going around between a few of the student’s, that Shanti was on meth. She called up Angelica who answered FINALLY!.
“Hey Shanti! what’s up, Im on twitter, can’t talk long.” Shanti asked her friend about the meth thing, Angelica told Shanti that her cousin had said something about Shanti being on meth and being a prostitute because she was skinny. When they were done talking Shanti texted Dean to see if he knew anything. Dean replied telling shanti to ignore his wife, and added that Elenor has just been weird lately. Shanti set her cell phone down, curled up into a ball and cried.
She laid there for what felt like days until her cousin Eileen came into her room and dropped a letter onto Shanti.
“It’s from Aunt Donna, she must really want you to move in with her…” Shanti threw the letter down and waited for Eileen to leave, before she pulled herself from bed and walked into the kitchen for some food. After Shanti ate she tried to call Angelica again, she never answered.Shanti decided to take some jack shots.
For the next two months shanti didn’t leave the house she pondered what provoked Elenor to make her turn so quickly. Her friend Anthony rang her out of the blue. He wanted to know if she wanted to meet at her old highschool so they could hang out,she was surprised, nobody’s talked to her since the meth rumour. When shanti go to the school Anthony was already there, They started walking down the street when Anthony pointed to a car pulling up at the curb in front of them, he started jumping around, it took Shanti a moment to realise that Elenor was in the car. They walked over to Elenor and Shanti felt like her legs were filling with lead. she was about to confront the woman that took away her friends, the woman that acted like a five year old playing the silent game for two months.
“Hello, Shanti…I just want you to know that I don’t hate you, who told you that?” Shanti bit her tongue and cast her eyes down, Elenor asked again and Shanti didn’t want to answer the angry old chipmunk!
“I’m not going to tell you, I know you’re your just going to go bring it up to the person, You always do that.” She saw Elenor flinch, but other than that her plastic demeanor hasn’t changed.
“I can keep a secret, Shanti you know me.” Elenor looked up at Shanti with a sweet face that made Shanti’s skin crawl, She just wanted to run and hide at this point. Elenor asked again and this time Shanti gave her the name.
“Thank you, I’ll have a chat with them tomorrow.” She said and smiled at Shanti, Shanti shifted her weight from foot to foot, she wanted to get out of there. Shanti signaled to Anthony to go but Elenor stopped them once again. “Also,I just wanted to let you know that I don’t want you around my daughter, you’re a nice person but I don’t think she needs a type like you around.” Shanti shot back at Elenor with attitude.
“Oh…I see now, so Elenor your telling me I can’t be friends with my best friend anymore because I’m not the same religion as you and because i’m not republican?” She turned back towards Anthony who just stood there looking confused as hell and started to leave, Elenor inched the car up a few feet and caught up to them. “I just don’t want her getting any ideas…you know because you’re depressed, I don’t want her seeing that ungodly life and following in it’s path. As a parent i’m her gatekeeper, and Angelica needs to stay in my gate.” After that Elenor sped off and left Shanti and Anthony standing on the side of the street in silence.
“After all that shit happened, I told Anthony I didn’t want to hang out anymore, he understood. I got home and grabbed your letter, and packed my stuff. I had no place in that town” Shanti shuffled over and turned on the television set, She figured the dull murmur in the background might make this conversation go faster.
“So you’re telling me that your burnt because you lost a friend? People come and go, lifes like a giant rubik’s cube, always changing until your life is complete at the end.” Donna turned of the tv, and she shifted her attention back to her niece.
“You just don’t understand.” Came roaring out of Shanti as she sat there breathing heavily. “You must have never had someone say that they will always be there for you.” Shanti huffed her breath and rolled over continuing to rant. “A friend of our’s, is a friend for life…at least that’s what the hypocrite told me one day when I was going to permanently erase myself from this world. Have you ever had your best friend’s not talk to you for two months while you think, that hey…maybe something really fucked up happened and your friend got hurt and that’s why no one is answering! I thought that she was sick, I was scared shitless Aunt Donna!”
Tears began to stream down Shanti’s face. Donna moved in and wrapped her arms around her niece, realising that Shanti was more depressed than she let on to be. Donna began stroking Shanti’s hair trying to comfort her and calm her down. Shanti pushed trying to get out of the Aunt Donna deathgrip. “Thats the last time I ever make a friend!” “Donna.” Shanti said with a cold piercing tone, “let me go.”
“Shanti, i’m not letting you do anything until you calm down.” Shanti paused and put her best fake face on.
“I just want to go see a movie and calm myself down, I’ll go to AMC westgate.” Shanti knew in her heart that she wanted to do much more than that, but settled for a movie instead. Donna looked Shanti over and gave her the ok. Shanti went to her room and grabbed her backpack, she opened her macbook pulled up a document, checked it and left the room. As she was walking out the door, her Aunt Donna ran up to her and kissed Shanti on the head. Shanti was caught off guard and when she turned around, her aunt trapped her in a tight squeezy hug.
“Hey, I know you didn’t want to talk but I think it really helped you!” Aunt Donna let go of her niece, and Shanti hugged her aunt back and began jogging down W. Camelback road. She lived pretty close to the AMC, but instead of making a right down N. 91st, she kept running straight. Shanti slowed to a nice easy walk and noticed how eerie camelback ranch looked at night, everything seemed to come alive at night. She kept walking until she came to the agua fria river, it separated glendale from the next town. If Shanti kept walking down Camelback, the next cross street was N. El Mirage, she didn’t need to go that far. She climbed up onto the barrier wall looking down into the dark moving abyss. Shanti laughed a bit uneasily and closed her eyes, a tear rolled down when she thought of Aunt Donna at home, thinking she fixed Shanti’s problems.
“Fuck!” She said as she stepped back down from the ledge for a moment, Shanti couldn’t remember if she left her laptop open onto the note. She figured it didn’t matter and got back up on the edge, she was prepared for this. She took 10 vicodin, Shanti was numb, numb on the outside and numb on the inside. She felt a soothing warmth coming from inside of her body. She paused again as another tear rolled down her cheek, she got her insulin from her backpack and over injected. She looked around for a few more minutes for anything, any movement, or person, a car maybe? anything that she could take as a sign to stop, there was nothing. Shanti started to feel her heartbeat quicken, she began to feel dizzy and confused and at the last moment she began to panic. She felt the rush of cold air all around her.Shanti felt the water engulf her, she was scared now. She felt tingly and cold as the edges of her vision began getting darker and darker like an old tv, She was calm now and the last thought running through her brains as she sank down was a song, “perfect day” by Lou Reed.
(this last part here was said that it needed to be changed due to the change in perspective, currently i like i how it is and choose to leave it :) :) )
Aunt Donna woke up early, got breakfast made and couldn’t find Shanti anywhere, a little lump began forming in her throat as she searched outside for her niece. She was nowhere to be found. When she made it to the backroom, Donna noticed that the laptop was open and looked over the screen. It didn’t take long before realisation hit her, Donna dropped her coffee mug. Donna just sat down on the floor among the coffee and broken glass and stared back at the cold white screen that had the offending words on them. “I’m so sorry Aunt Donna, I can’t live in a world that I’m not even worth an answer from people…” Donna heard the newscaster from the other room announce that around one AM to three AM last night, there had been a jumper in the agua fria river but they had no positive ID yet. Donna still couldn’t believe what she was hearing, she felt sick and broke into large sobs that shuddered her whole body.
One thing is for sure, That quiet Glendale street would never see it’s neighbor asleep on the front porch of her home again.
suicide shatters.
