❝I just need a quiet place
Where I can scream how I love you❞
I want you and only you
And I don't know why I want you
Or how I want you so much
But I want you
And only youI can't stop wanting you
Until I tear open your chest
And put my heart to rest with yours
I am transparent, clearly
Give me a little hand to save you❞
(Ritual of the living, extended version — second edition)
The cemetery bells toll, a low hum in my chest.
Your smoke invades my lips—bitter, endless.
I feel your need crawl beneath my skin, an old, unholy thing,
a desperate prayer clawing to the heavens.
The abode of the damned never shone so bright,
as when you destroyed it in quiet delight.
Let me paint you with my blood.
Look at me—fall for me, beloved.
Too selfish to take your hand,
too desperate to worship you,
the only god I’ve ever known.
How do the forgotten, the judged, kneel before you, their pride undone?
Fools, you and them alike.
Once, I swore I didn’t need your light.
If the world is damned too,
then crown me your doom.
Petal by petal, I tear them apart.
"They love me, they love me not," cries my heart.
Love does not bloom from a flower's art—
to feel whole, I pour my essence into you,
a piece of me forever yours.
Your beauty is heaven’s cruel shade of blue,
your smile too sweet, your laughter a lie.
The gates of our misery, painted in charcoal,
close and open like a chorus of despair.
And yet, still, I want your light.
My body aches for you as the earth for the moon,
yearning to bask in your distant glow.
The streets are alive, but I am not—
left in the dark, crossing the red line we once drew.
Your hands—everywhere.
I begged for this.
I can’t refuse you tearing my heart out.
Return to me, my love.
Return to me, though the claw marks branding my throat.
Return to me, though the second circle burns around us in twisting flames.
I run my fingers through your ghost—an outline of who you were.
Your voice—soft, distant—lingers,
as I’ve been tracing the echoes of how it felt.
Should I trust the dark waters rising,
or your holy face, cursed with secrets?
Neither is kind, neither forgives.
One day, I’ll hear you sing my name,
but don’t tell them how I’ve forgiven you
for burning me, for torturing me, for loving me.
Because I loved you too, and destroyed you.
I devoured you—shameless and selfish.
Yes, I’ve gone mad.
Yes, I will die, again
and again and again.
Prey upon me.
Consume me.
I’m your muse—come, ruin me.
Paint me in bite marks and wishes that fell before they flew
Before I even speak, steal my breath, my being,
my every fragile piece and claim me in silence.
The ashes of time bear your skin.
The forgotten’s residence grows darker still.
I run, gasp, fall—
headfirst into a waltz with the wind.
A midnight kingdom shimmers before me,
where angels weave violence into light.
The cold showers me with its kisses.
I pray to the gods I’ve created—burn me out.
Let me fall.
Let me gasp for a soul that was never truly mine.
It hurts—it hurts—it hurts.
For the first time, I feel fear.
For the last time, I feel regret.
Another agony ends; another play begins.
Tell them the truth if you must.
Tell them I would do it all again.
I die at the cathedral’s steps, breathing, return to me.
My angel, long gone.
❝You're an angel, I'm a dog
Or you're a dog and I'm your man❞
Sewn around your collar the riches of the world
The other white end flowing effortlessly on the floor
Any unworthlessness vanishes under pretty trinkets
Let me kiss your ankle
As you drive a stake through my heart, my beloved
And even if I'm not yours
I worship your eyes
Laying there, gutted out
And I was wondering how could you not feel
my heart ridding itself of blood
❝You want in but you just can't win
So you hang in the lights❞
A stands for Animal, Audience, Addiction—
I am an animal—restless, starving,
chasing the next masterpiece like prey.
I tear myself apart just to find something worth keeping,
something raw, something real.
I sink my teeth into every moment,
trying to taste the meaning in it,
trying to understand why the hunger never stops.
I throw my soul to the audience,
watching them devour what I barely understand myself.
I feed them pieces of me, hold out my hands—
"Here, take this. Love this. Love me."But what if they don’t? What if they do?
What if they only love the pieces I already hate?
What if they only love the version of me that I have outgrown?
What if I am nothing but an echo,
bouncing between approval and emptiness?
I watch them feast on my confessions,
watch them nod and say,
"Yes, this is good, this is beautiful,"without ever asking,
"Does it hurt?"
They see the masterpiece.
They do not see the blood underneath.
They see the ink.
They do not see the nights I tore myself open to spill it.
I am addicted to this.
To the unraveling, the rebuilding,
to the quiet horror of seeing my own words stare back at me,
Daring me to claim them.
I tell myself I am in control.
I tell myself I could stop if I wanted to.
But could I?
Would I?
Is it still art if I am not suffering for it?
Is it still me if I am not breaking for it?
I don't know anymore.
I don't know if I ever did.
R stands for Rush, Reform, Re-evaluation—
The rush of it all—
of hands that shake as they hold a pen,
of a mind that never quiets,
of running toward the thing that might destroy me
just to see if I can survive it.
I have spent a lifetime reforming myself,
breaking and bending, reshaping and rewording,
making myself more palatable, more poetic,
softer around the edges, easier to consume.
And yet—
no matter how much I change,
I still feel like I am too much.
Too intense, too emotional, too desperate to be understood.
Too much for them.
Too much for me.
So I re-evaluate everything.
Every choice.
Every love.
Every moment I said, "This is who I am,"
only to wake up the next day and realize
I have no idea who that one was.
I grieve before the loss even arrives.
I grieve the love I hold,
as if loving too deeply is a kind of self-destruction.
I grieve the art I craft,
as if each piece is a farewell letter,
as if I am made only to create and then let go.
I grieve the one I used to be,
the one who thought art would set them free.
I grieve the one I am now,
the one who still believes it.
And I grieve for the one I will become,
who might one day look back at this and wonder—
"Was it worth it?"
T stands for Trial, Theme, Tradition—
The trial of putting myself on display,
of saying, “Here, look at this,look at me, love me, love this,”only to realize that being seendoes not always mean being known.
The theme of longing,
of grasping at something that slips through my fingers,
of holding onto ghosts, onto shadows,
onto the echo of something that was never real to begin with.
The tradition of suffering for beauty,
of believing pain makes me worthy,
of thinking that if I bleed enough,
if I tear myself apart enough,
if I become something tragic enough,
maybe someone will say,
"This. This is real. This is worth something."
I know you. I love you.
And the stars that make up your body
burn bright, burn soft, burn away,
but never in the shape I imagined.
You are the moon in phases,
always changing, always distant,
always something I reach for but never quite touch.
Oh, my sweet one, you are such a hypocrite.
You worship beauty and resent the cost.
You chase meaning and run from the truth.
You cradle your art like a dying thing,
mourning what’s still alive.
You stand at the edge of yourself,
one foot in creation, one foot in destruction,
too afraid to jump, too afraid to stay still.
So tell me, artist—
is it art if no one sees it?
Is it love if no one returns it?
Is it grief if the thing you mourn is still breathing?
Or is this just another story,
another addiction,
another trial,
another theme,
another tradition—
one that binds you tight,
one that keeps you here,
one that you will never break free from?
Because here’s the truth:
You will keep writing.
You will keep loving.
You will keep grieving.
You will keep breaking yourself openjust to see if something beautiful grows from the wreckage.
And maybe—just maybe—
that’s enough.
But maybe it isn’t.
Maybe it never will be.
Maybe you will spend a lifetime chasing something that cannot be caught.
Maybe you will spend forever trying to translate a feeling
that will never quite fit into words.
Maybe you will always be half in love with your sadness,
half in love with the art that sadness creates,
half in love with the idea that suffering means something,
even when it doesn’t.
What happens when you realize that art does not save you?
That words will not hold you at night?
That poetry does not kiss you back?
That all of this, everything you have ever built,
is nothing more than a desperate attemptto make the world understand something
you don’t even understand yourself?
Do you stop?
Do you walk away?
Do you finally let go?
You pick up the pen.
You start again.
Because you don’t know how to do anything else.
Because this is all you have ever known.
Because this is who you are.And maybe—just maybe—
that’s the most tragic and beautiful thing of all.
Beg me to save you
To turn your blood into ash
To cure you, cleanse you
Watching, waiting
Call my name a thousand times
Stutter, plead, cry
…You know I can't respond
My fingers curl around the wire
To let your hair run free
The moon was full and bloody
And i felt it drip down my skin
It’s a cold winter night, my struggling flower,
when you arrive from the heavens above.
It’s a warm spring morning, my teardrop,
when I lose you again.
Oh my sorrow, oh ancestors, oh muse with your lyre,
bring her back to me, or sing her song
until I die.
Can’t keep to myself, that much is true.
I drown in the sea of mirrors that display your image so shamelessly,
my young breeze.
Oh my sorrow, oh ancestors, oh Hades, worthy king,
give her back to me,
and I swear I won’t look.
I map the stars of your body, my sunrise,
just as I have before.
Guide me home, and hold me tight, show me where I belong.
Oh my sorrow, oh ancestors, oh Persephone, divine lady,
release her from your grasp, oh I beg you.
Let her light shine once more in the darkness of my world.
I will search every corner of the earth,
intrude the realm of the gods, until I find you again.
And I don’t remember my name, but you do, my melody.
Oh my sorrow, oh ancestors, oh Apollo, hear my plea.
Let her memory linger in the echoes of your strings,
let her spirit dance in the melodies you weave.
My wings feel heavy like never before,
yet soar, I must, up, where you await, my light.
You can only redeem me.
Oh my sorrow, oh ancestors, oh Daedalus, ego’s father,
Show me the truth among the lines,
guide me through the labyrinth of my own mind.
And in your eyes, I find myself lost in the passage of time.
So, my angel, let's defy fate, and rewrite our story.
We will still perish.
Oh my sorrow, oh ancestors, oh Khnoros, with the wise quill,
let her come upon me once again.
And under her guidance, I will die.
It's a cold spring morning, my dear,
when I wake up from the damned.
It's a warm winter night, my love,
when I know you'll never come back.
As the flowers bloom and the birds sing, my heart cries,
Knowing it will never meet yours again, my one.
L’ appel du vide (second version)
I too wish to reside among the stars
Can’t you feel the burn?
They all think too much...
What is a step off the cliff?
How dare you speak of love
when you dishonour her name?
Is this God's punishment for me?
I am no better than the devil
a monster courting insanity
or that’s what they tell me
But how could you live
and not have a story to tell?
Oh Father of mine, creator of all
You know better than I
the chains upon your throne.
You who watches over us
and sends us to war
save my soul from being eaten by man.
Pathetic and whiny,
you can’t stop crying
Why, are you sad?
Who gave you the right?
You speak like serpents
Shredding lives, like a razor on paper
They just love to gabble,
clearing through the gossip and the rumble.