Other than questions about my ethnicity, people often asked why I'm not married. Today I answer that question with seriousness and some humor. 1. My greatest desire as a child and young adult wasn't to be a wife and mom. It was to do everything I saw my father doing. I was my dad's shadow growing up. He tinkered with parts and devices, I broke devices to see how they worked. :) Yep. He prayed for the sick, I prayed for the sick. He invited orphans into our home, I learned to love all kinds of people. He loved God, I grew to love God. I wasn't interested in the same things other girls were interested in. I still struggle with fitting into the cultural conceptions of what a women should be. I dream about world change. I think about improving systems and processes. I have visions of transforming culture by the power of the Holy Spirit. You can do those things and be married. Yet I've not dated a man who's comfortable with a woman with large visions. I've found men want someone to support their dreams and visions, serve them, cater to them, forgo their dreams and talents to support their dreams and talents. I have no desire to lose my identity. I am all for compromise, serving, and dying to self. I'm against disappearing completely to boost the selfishness of a man. 2. I'm preoccupied with God. He's everything. I spend the majority of my free time with Him. Where He goes, I want to go. He's the focal point of my life. You can be married and be devoted to God. Yet I've watched many women bypass the call God had on their lives to support the call on their husbands lives. They became a servant to their husband and time alone with God diminished. Their relationship with God and others faded away. Their husbands became their lord even to the extreme of above God. I've never desired to put anyone above God, though I'm certain I have at times in my life. I don't want to bypass the call God has on my life. I want to walk in it. I want to fulfill the destiny He proclaimed over my life in my youth. I truly believe God joins people with similar visions to complement each other. How can two be joined together lest they agree? The last guy I was getting to know essentially told me that my role in our relationship if it were to proceed would be to support his ministry, take care of the home, and have children. Well, that works for some women. It didn't for me. I love children and if married would want them. I find value in taking care of a home and children, yet he had no plans of helping much. I'd quit being an Engineer, which I've done for many years and he'd continue to be a doctor. Our ministry calls were not the same. So I'd have to according to him, wait until he established himself with my support and raised our kids to do what God called me to do. He also spent the majority of the time talking about his goals, his needs, his wants, and his desires. He really didn't need me. Any willing woman could fill the slot. She just needed to be pretty and fertile. I wish him the best and have no animosity. I simply cannot and will not settle for being a slave. I am a co heir with Christ. Men and women are to co reign together. Men are called to die to selfishness and lay down their lives for their wives. Women were not called to die for their husbands. They were called to respect and submit to a man dying to self. 3. Christian men don't always pursue. Yep. Said it out loud! I've been pursued by plenty of men who don't love Jesus, have wives or girlfriends, and all I do is talk about Jesus. So I'm not giving off that, "hey come over here vibe!" I'm modest in dress and action. Yet men who love Jesus are the minority when it comes to purposeful pursuit. What is purposeful pursuit? Glad you asked! :) It goes something like this. You see or meet a girl you'd like to get to know. Your goal is to honor, respect, and treat her like God's property. If you're a Christian guy and you don't want to get married, pursuit is probably not a good idea. If you're severely broken, messed up, confused, or unable to provide for yourself-pursuit isn't the best idea. Here goes: Cross the chicken line! Say hello. Engage in conversation. Ask questions. Listen. Make eye contact. Follow up. Plan to do something: coffee, lunch, meet up with your friends...it doesn't have to be an elaborate date. Tell her you had a good time. If you decide you don't like her, tell her it's not going to work out. Lying, ignoring, or mistreating her are not good ideas. Communicate. Don't play games or be wishy washy Define the relationship: if you just want to be friends, state that. If you want to pursue more than friendship, state that. Don't treat her like a girlfriend if you just want to be friends. If you don't tell a women how you feel about her, she most likely doesn't know. Treat her how you'd want to be treated. Women like stability and integrity. There's no pressure to marry a women just because you invited her to coffee. Though God can do anything, I doubt He's going to FedEx a woman to you. 4. I've found men want the best without being the best. Yep. He wants a Victorias Secret model who has the heart of Mother Teresa and cooks like Paula Deen. She must be a 10 and he can be a 2. Come on fellas. If you want "the best" and there's no perfect person on the planet, seek to be the best. If you want an encourager, be one. If you want someone fit, put down those Doritos and work out. If she needs to smell nice, shower! Goodness. :) There's tons of pressure on women to be "perfect," and it's unfair. We are human. Love us for who we are. Bring your best to the table. Treat women with respect, honor, and dignity. 5. Christian men don't treat women like Jesus would. Some not all. It's sad when men who don't know Jesus are filled with more generosity, encouragement, kindness, maturity, and integrity than those who claim to. I've met a few women who bypassed marrying a believer because they were treated better by men who weren't following Jesus. This is sad. This happens. This is a problem. If you're following Jesus, you're called to treat women the way He would. You are a steward of the King's Daughters. He cares how you treat His Daughters. They are not toys, punching bags, slaves, or insignificant. 6. I take marriage seriously. Some focus on a wedding, the status change, some focus on sex, having kids, or meeting a life goal. I do not. Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. It's the joining of two lives for life on earth. It's sacred. I've had two marriage proposals and said no to both. Why? Because after prayer and assessment of the person's character, they weren't the right person for me. If I never marry, I will be happy. My joy is tied up in the person of Jesus. If a person wants to get married just for sex or to get their needs met, it's a selfish reason. Love is not selfish. Marriage, in my opinion, is not what you can gain...it's about what you can give. How can you enhance the life of the other person? How can you point them to Christ? How can you demonstrate the love of God for them? How can you be a vessel God uses to bring them higher? You see I'm not interested in joining my life to someone who is just looking out for their best interests. It's foolish to me to marry a person who only cares about themself. For the marriage will be all about them. They will take even the place of God. I have one God. Even if I marry, my spouse will not be my god. Only Jesus gave His life for me. Only God is worthy of worship. 7. My heart has been given over to Jesus. I cannot simply give it away to any random man who asks for it. He must be God approved. If God says no, it's a no. I'm not for sale. I'm a treasure in the eyes of my King. My life will not be tied to just anyone. It's linked to Jesus, for the mission of Jesus, for the glory of Jesus, and to be led by Jesus.
