DETACHMENT :)
Finally. I want to detach myself from you. :) Not in the way that i will be gone, or that i will stay away from you. I'd still be there- i'd still be a constant in your life. After all, we have come too far from being just friends to being prime sources of comfort in times of need. But i just want to lose that "needy" feeling i have. I want to lose the feeling that i always have to let you know that i'm around. I know you know that i'm here anyway. I don't have to prove it everytime. :) I want to stop obssessing every now and again with who you're with, and whether or not they're better company than i am. I don't want to have to compare myself with them anymore. I want all those insecurities to stop. It's ugly. i have to know that i'm good just being me and that people, including you, love me for that. :) I'm not your girlfriend or anything right, so i should also stop assuming that i am one of your top priorities, and then be down in times when you prove that otherwise. (Haha! No bitterness here. I guess i'm just talking about the products of circumstances that made you made me see that; i know you didn't ever intend to make me feel that way.) So sure, maybe i'm the first you'd call when you have a problem or when you're down; i'm the one you rant to, and i, or actually, we, patiently listen to each other's problems. But then that's all there is to it. I'm not the number one you'd wish to spend time with or hang out with, and at times, i won't be the first you'd call. but what the fuck, that should not be a problem to me! :) I should let that go. Just knowing that i am one of those you come to should be ok for me. :) Anyway, i'm happy to find out that i am actually slowly being able to detach myself from you. I am happy for myself. :) i feel and i know that i am in the process of healing and acceptance. :) I no longer feel the need to message you every now and then. If you need me, you can find me. If i need you, which is becoming less and less, then i'll call. But the need, like i said, is not that strong and heady and immediate anymore that i wait, even somewhat agitated, for your reply and immediately reply back like it's the most important thing. God, it's funny to write this. :) i was pathetic wasn't i? haha. Likewise, i'm opening up myself to other people, something i think i failed to do back in college because i'm obssessing with the way we are. I think the people i have now, those happy friendly people that i always get to be with, came in just the right time that i am welcoming people in my life. That i am open, and that they are also fun to be with and more in line with my personality. I'm happy that i am not straining to be with you more, and instead, choose to be with those people. :) i'm also happy that i am not that selfish when it comes to "sharing" you. I guess i'm kinda confident now with my status with you. That i am the bestfriend. i'm not that affected anymore when you have fun with other people because aside from the fact that i have my own people now too, i already have the confidence that if we need each other, the friendship is there, strong enough to depend on. :) If you only knew the darker days i've been through because of obssessing for that love i want from you. well now, i'm at the better end of the cycle. I'm slowly getting out, with the contentment of what we already have right now. :) I can breath now! For so long, i've been trying to lose the "needy" feeling. I'm happy to be slowly losing it now. :) even though i'm still in the process, and there are still times when these thoughts actually bother me, i'm happy to say i'm in the process now not for any selfish or vain or bitter sentiments of "moving on"; it's for the sole reason that finally, i am choosing myself and i'm choosing to be happy. :) seems cliche, but really, there's a certain comfort in being able to say it. :) see, we can be happy and fun when we're together. But i can also be happy without you. :)