entry: 12
I dunno want I wanna write, all I know is that I don't feel good. I feel like I wanna do something with my life, but Idk what to do. I get struck with this burning passion in my heart, only for it to go away a day or two later. I dunno what's wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like my life is worth living, that maybe one day I'll be capable of something good, and then another day, I'm back wondering why I'm even here. I'm not good at anything, I don't even know why I try and pursue those little stupid ideas I get. I haven't talked about those bottles of pills in a while but I've sure been thinking about them. Maybe I don't have the balls to do it because I haven't set out a plan. I have so much stuff to hide before I die. I don't want my mother finding the books where I talk about my feelings or the blades on the nightstand or the key to that box under my poster. Maybe I just need to start the preparations. I'm not sure what that'll be. I owe an explanation to one of my friends though. Maybe to my sisters. I don't really think anyone'll care. I started ghosting my friends more. I'm not very pleasant to be around right now. I think my mother is getting annoyed with me rn too. I don't do anything, I get why she'd be annoyed. I learned how to make some sandwiches so I guess she won't have to make food for me anymore. My eye backs have gotten so much worse and I cant even put on a happy act anymore. My mother put on the whiteboard, "Know you are loved!!" and its really sweet but I couldn't even smile at it. I know she cares, she's not a bad mother. Im just not helpable. Therapy didn't work anyway. I wish I was happier for other people's sake, like my mother. I just feel bad she didn't get a good kid like one of my cousins or something. My mother talks to herself a lot because she says she has no one and that I hardly talk. I feel bad about that. I wish I could keep up.
I always wondered if like my mother or father would try to kill themselves if I did. I don't think they would but that's kinda the only thing stopping me. I just want this teenage sadness to stop. Everyone talks about how they were so edgy as a teenager but it stopped when they were an adult. I'm just waiting for my brain to stop being this way. I just wish I wasn't this way. I don't even understand half of the things I write. My brain is so scattered all the time but yet there's nothing in there at the same time. My vision is grey and burly full of noise. I wish I could see the world for what it really is once in a while. I turn 15 soon. Two months from now. I wonder if I should leave before I turn 15. I don't want to celebrate my birthday and act happy. Anyway, it's 11:28am and I haven't had a good night's sleep in ages. I only slept 4 hours. Maybe I'll go lie down again. Goodbye.
