When She Asks,ย โAm I Gay?โ
Understanding our sexuality is a difficult and painful process for many women. We are raised in a patriarchal society where girls are taught the Princess Myth, encouraged to believe it is our destiny to find โloveโ in the arms of a handsome prince. This is part of the psychological conditioning girls experience in a culture that trains us to accept heterosexuality as ourย โnaturalโ orientation. We are taught that women have an innateย โneedโ for men and the lessons we learn in school assume heterosexuality as a fact of our anatomy. Biology textbooks tell us that the reason we have a vagina is so we can be penetrated by a penis. If a girl isnโt excited by the idea of a man putting his penis inside her (which many parents euphemistically describe to curious children asย โmaking loveโ)ย there must be something wrong with her, right?
The question may terrify her so much she is afraid to say it out loud. She is afraid her family will not approve. She is afraid her friends will make fun of her. Her feelings are a secret and she doesnโt know who to trust with her secret. This can be a very lonely experience, because she doesnโt know how many other girls are asking the same question about their feelings.
Yes, you are โ depending on whatย โgayโ means to you.
If you are aware enough of your sexuality to question your orientation, then your feelings of attraction toward women (or lack of feelings for men) must be persistent and noticeable. You may be bisexual or you may be lesbian, but if you were completely 100% heterosexual, you wouldnโt need to ask that question.
Yes, you are โ at least a little bit, anyway. Some people call itย โbicuriousโ or justย โquestioningโ when a woman first becomes aware of her feelings toward other women. She may already be in a heterosexual relationship, maybe even married to a man, before she starts to question her feelings. Sometimes this questioning process is just curiosity. A woman may be aware that she experiences some attraction toward women, but if she is basically happy in her heterosexual relationships, she doesnโt need to act on herย โbicuriousโย feelings. Many women who identify as heterosexual have secret dreams and fantasies about other women. Any woman can explore her own sexuality privately, masturbating to any fantasy she can imagine, without ever telling anyone else about what gets her off. Orgasm should be a shame-free experience. Donโt feel bad about feeling good.
Yes, you are โ and thatโs awesome! You can beย as gay as you want to be, however you feel comfortable expressing your sexuality. If youโre justย โbicuriousโ orย โquestioning,โ you shouldnโt feel pressured to decide right away what these feelings mean to you. Especially if you are young, there is no hurry to find a label for your sexuality. The biggest issue for many young women questioning their sexuality is figuring our whether to identity as bisexual or lesbian. A major cause of their confusion is compulsory heterosexuality, the cultural forces in our society that tell women we should feelย โattractionโ toward men (and only toward men). This can be particularly confusing for girls who have had โcrushesโ on guys before or women who have previously been in heterosexual relationships, When weย become aware that we feel attraction toward women, this awareness makes us re-evaluate our feelings and relationships. Was ourย โcrushโ on that guy real, or were we just trying to fit in with our heterosexual friends and convince ourselves we were โnormalโ like them? For some women, it is easy to decide how they really feel, even if it is still difficult for them to tell their friends and family about their sexuality. Beingย โin the closetโ as lesbian or bisexual can be necessary, if you donโt feel safe being open about your sexuality. Homophobic parents are a problem for many gay girls, and you shouldnโt feel pressured toย โcome outโ if you are worried about the reaction of your family. But even if youย have to hide your sexuality, do not let anyone make you feel ashamed of your sexuality.
Yes, you are โ or at least you could be. In a society that constantly tells us that all women areย โnaturallyโ heterosexual, it takes a lot of courage to question this belief. Any girl or woman who questions her sexuality has recognized that she has feelings that society tells her she should not feel. If heterosexuality is soย โnatural,โ why donโt all women feel what the science book tells us we should feel? To ask the question is to answer the question. The science book is wrong. There is nothing in our nature as women that requires us to feelย โattractionโ toward men. The psychological conditioning process we experience as girls is a reflection of societyโs beliefย that all women should voluntarily participate in heterosexual relationships.
Menย need access to women โ to use us for reproduction (breeders), for menial domestic labor (servants) and for sexual pleasure (prostitutes). The institution of heterosexual marriage originated in menโs control of women for all these purposes, and the belief that women performed these tasks voluntarily gave rise to the idea of womenโsย โloveโ for men. Even though we see that men can and do use violence to enforce their control of women, the psychological conditioning of girls (compulsory heterosexual) is usually successful enough that violence is not necessary. Most women voluntarily submit to male control, consenting to intercourse, marriage and motherhood and explaining this voluntary submission asย โlove.โ The woman who never questions her โnaturalโ attraction to men ignores theย possibility that she could find happiness without a man. Defining herself as incomplete without a man, she feels a need to do whatever he wants her to do, and โloveโ is what she calls her male-oriented sense of need.
Our societyโs training of girls within a culture that presents heterosexuality as โnaturalโ guarantees that mostย women accept this male-oriented definition of ourselves. Most women never ask the question:ย โAm I gay?โ And those who do ask that question are often afraid the answer might beย โyes.โ Every woman who loves women has had to overcome that fear. We have to escape the myths of compulsory heterosexuality if we are to recognize who we really are and who we really love.ย
โCompulsory heterosexuality is designed to benefit men, as a class, at the expense of women, as a class. โฆ They invented โromantic loveโ โฆ as a psychological cage with the aim of keeping us in our places until death.โ
โWomen are naturally attracted to women, not men. Any attraction felt towards men is a product of social conditioning, and if we as a class are to truly achieve liberation, it has to collectively be unlearned.โ
โIt is natural to be a lesbian. Being a lesbian is the default for me.โ
โItโs okay to not love men. Itโs okay to not want to be with men. Loving women exclusively is beautiful, itโs natural.โ
โWhat needs to be understood is that erotic love between women is not a deviation from some presumed โnormal.โ โฆ She is constituted as she is because Nature has made her so. โฆ Nature needs the Lesbian as she is. She needs me as I am.โ
Understanding our love for women means accepting that it is naturalย for women to love women. Isnโt loving women the most beautiful feeling in the world?
