"What's holding you back?"
✙ PRIVATE QUESTIONS TO BE ANSWERED HONESTLY ✙:
The question, uttered by one so terribly kind and just, echoed in my mind as I stood there, my eyes staring straight ahead. It seemed as though the room was filling with a thick black ooze - a cloud of darkness impossible to deny.
“Curious. I find this inquiry of yours rather… bold, if I do say so. In truth, I cannot give you the full answer.” I respond, still keeping my gaze focused on what lay before me. A blank darkness - musky with the rancid stench of age. That pledge of mine must never be forgotten. The promise must never be altered. The rules must never be bent for the sake of my mission. Though vastly important, what dominated my heart was…
“Though, perhaps I can give you a smidgen of it - I do not wish to do anything unnecessary.”
Without thinking into the implications, I have already begun speaking of the pain that lay deep within; stabbing, rhythmic, about as equal as the pounding of my heart to sustain my being.
“The thought of resorting to drastic measures is not what the Order dictates. While the universe should remain intact at all costs, it should not be at the price of an innocent life.” I say, bowing my head in silence. Up above, I imagine that the air is empty, filled with nothing but the atmospheric pressure and the vast, unexplored vestibule of space. Wherever the Creator was, they were certainly not interested in addressing the issue at hand. I was, for lack of a better term…
“And that is why I hold back. Because I cannot bear the thought of… having a cleanblood’s life senselessly ended by my hand.”
Guilt. Sorrow. Redemption. Words that meant so little, connoted so little, in the grand scheme of things. The depths of my feelings perhaps encapsulated all three at the very least.
Grief. Melancholy. Isolation.
These were far more accurate. Yet they would never be uttered.