I think part of why I’m always in a varying state of disbelief about our relationship, is that growing up in certain conditions, with certain conditions, you sort of come to terms with the fact that you might never find someone. You tell yourself who would willingly take this on? Who would want to bother? When it first comes about and you don’t know how to control it, writing yourself off is such an easy thing to do; you do it without even realising it.
Now, I could be talking about a number of things but in my own, personal case, I was diagnosed with epilepsy, Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy. Seeing my epileptic cousin find a woman whom loved and cared for her, despite the constant fits and trips to the hospital, I was sure she was just a lucky one. Not because she didn’t deserve it; I adored my cousin, I just couldn’t understand why someone would want to stick around when I couldn’t brush my hair without the brush flying halfway across the room, I couldn’t bring my plate from the counter to the dinner table without it ending up on the floor.
It’s been over five years and I still apologise when I fit mid-sentence.
For anyone that’s ever had this kind of thing diagnosed later in life, you probably faced the usual accusations that you’re just looking for attention. To put it into context, my sister had spent the past four years making our lives a living hell and just as things began settling, up started my symptoms. My entire family believed I was seeking attention after everyone had been so focused on her bad behaviour, no seizure passed without ridicule from one of them. If you know anything about epilepsy, you’d know that your emotions can cause you to seizure; needless to say, the more I was told off, the more I seizured.
If you are told every day that you are lying, there comes a point where you start to believe it. I began questioning whether or not I really was just doing this for attention, was I subconsciously making this happen? It’s safe to presume that I’ve held a little resentment over those months; forgiven, not forgotten, isn’t that how the saying goes? Sometimes, on nights like tonight, I wonder if I really have forgiven. How could I when it still feels so raw?
I suppose what I’ve been leading up to, is that I never saw myself here. I never saw myself in love with the most amazing woman, and her loving me back. I didn’t think I’d find someone who spoke of forevers; that when I fit, the only thing running through her mind is why? She wants to know what I’m thinking and tells me she thinks it’s cute. She hasn’t seen me throw a drink over myself yet but she makes me feel as though it wouldn’t matter anyway. I guess that’s what love is, trusting someone to love you no matter what, and to love the parts you’re most self-conscious of, twice as much.