I'll sound even more insensitive right now, but I'm sorry. My sorry is not from pity, if I'm to justify myself, It's for making you formulate that answer. I'm almost crying right now, I'm not only a reader of your evangelion fanfics, I also follow your tumblr because I love your ideas, I really,really,wish I could think more like you. Speak up to ignorant and indelicate people like you do. I'm happy that you answered me, glad to know more about you, but at the same time, that I was not worth it.
*hugs* Really, it’s fine, I make an effort to stay in the intense irritation stage of grief things.
It’s really great when people say they love my ideas despite the headfog and the loss of my ability to copy-edit? And the fics. Like I said, writing is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, and I knew it was going to be hard going in, even before the AS diagnosis. Speaking up to people is also hard, so… Well, if I can manage to do hard things, that makes it easier to believe that I’ll be able to get some food into me despite the discovery that rye bread is one of the things my senses like to freak out about, meaning the effort to make the sandwiches was sadly wasted and it looks like I’ll mostly just be having dinner today.
I don’t want to go on and on about aargh my life, when it’s much better to think about nice things instead, but sometimes it’s nice to have an opportunity to complain? It’s nice that you care. A lot of things are made better by knowing that someone cares. As for formulating that answer… Sadly, I have to think about my conditions all the time, because I need to start pushing myself to do things to manage them as soon as I can move in the morning. I need to think about water intake, food intake (when digestion ties up blood volume), when I can shower despite what my inability to tolerate even lukewarm showers does to leg muscles (relaxes them) and thus to the POTS… I make an effort to think about the depressing stuff as little as I can, but in order to do something about a problem, you kind of have to think about the problem.
I’d like to be doing better, and I’d like to blame myself, say that I’m the reason I’m not better and it’s that easy to get better, the ‘you just need to stop being lazy’ I’ve heard since elementary, but really, four disabilities is kind of overkill. So I just, you know, try to manage them. I had to come to terms with the fact that since it’s been much more than two years, I’m probably never going to be healthy, so… writing is a dream that isn’t out of reach, which is nice. Really, really far away, but not absolutely out of reach.
