exam results come out tonight and I just need to express my emotions
im so scared. im so scared that I'm going to fail. based on my grades I know theres a very small chance that I will and a much bigger chance that I pass and I keep telling myself that but I can’t help it and its terrible. I hate that I keep worrying about this because its been eating me up inside. I’m just really worried about my bio exam because if I failed that, and I would have had to really done badly in it, then I fail the whole of ib and that means that I can’t go to my first choice of uni. my second choice of uni is okay too and I got a sort of scholarship there so its not as bad, its actually great and those two schools are sort of rivals I guess but im not so bothered about that. I'm not bothered by the fact of having to go to my second choice. its okay too. what I'm most worried about is letting my parents down and most importantly myself. my mom already told me that its okay if I failed, just as long as she knows that I tried hard, which I did. but even if I did fail and she said it was okay, she's still going to be disappointed. before the exams, she was worried for my grades in math and bio, so I got a tutor for math, who helped me a lot - so much that I'm not worried about it anymore. I tried to get one for bio, but I couldn’t and im so fucking angry about this actually.
if anyone is even reading this im now going to complain about my bio teachers. in the first year of ib, we had the worst bio teacher ever. he did absolutely nothing in class. he would teach us for like 6 minutes and then let us do our own learning for the rest of the lesson. he left the school that year because that dumbass teacher was always drunk and the school found out. he would have like vodka or something in his coffee, which I found out about the following year, which makes a lot of sense now because he was such a crappy teacher. so in the second year, we were totally behind and we knew absolutely nothing. and I don’t do very well with science, especially biology - I regret choosing biology, let alone doing it in hl ffs. our new teacher in the second year was a lot better, she was stricter, which was okay because it pushed us to learn and she actually taught us stuff. due to our last teacher, she was forced to teach us faster and made things more simple in order to teach everything in the syllabus, which I understand but this teacher was always in and out because she was sick most of the time. and she was very forgetful and made us somehow feel guilty for things that she did??!?!! she also complained about us taking up too much of her time, but we were giving up our free time to do extra learning??!??!?! so that doesn't make any sense and it made us scared to approach her. when I needed a tutor, I asked her if she knew of anyone and she said she would ask around and tell me when she found one for me. after a week or so, I followed up, because she still didn’t update me on it, and she said she’ll go ask the other teachers. she said one of the teachers knew of one and she would give me their contact once she receives them but she never did, so I never got a tutor. im so annoyed that she didn’t prioritise that because she said my year (since we were the seniors and needed the most help) were her priority, so I assumed she would do anything to help us out. but im also annoyed that I didn’t keep pestering her about it, because then I would've got what I wanted. without the tutor, I decided to just study harder by myself. near the exam time, she said that she was going to give us all the resources used during class, but guess what she never sent them and I asked her about it a few days before the bio exam. no reply. I go to her on the MORNING of the exam, and she acts like she knows nothing and I know she totally forgot about it, so I ask her again for the resources and also for some help with things I don't understand. she says she will send it, she never does and we do the the exam. the bio exam was my last exam of all exams. I went home from my other exams feeling relieved, but I left that one feeling regretful because I knew there was so much I could have done to make myself more ready for the exam. and I was so upset about it. but I couldn’t let myself be sad about it for the whole month until results, so I forgot about it until the week before results. and now I am here, writing this. and I feel much better just letting my feelings out.
I don’t like to blame but i really just blame my first teacher, because if we were taught properly from the start, it would have been so much easier to understand things, instead of rushing through content. we were forced in this situation because he didn’t have his shit put together in his personal life, and his lack of care for his job led to our suffering basically. the past two years were going to be a very important time in our high school years obviously because our futures depend highly on our grades and I fucking wish it wasn’t like that. especially for the school that I want to get into. I was already accepted but on the condition that I pass ib. so if I fail ib just because I failed biology I blame mr fucking chad. fuck u for ruining my future because u didn't do your job. my parents didn't pay you to do absolutely fucking nothing anyway my point is, im not even doing something related to biology for my career so I don't understand why its going to have such a big impact on whether I get into my school or not and its just so annoying.
I had another point earlier where I said that I didn’t want to disappoint myself. I don’t think my parents would be as bothered as I am if I fail, and honestly im glad that as an asian person my parents aren't strict about grades. but I have expectations for myself. my parents are my role models and I want to be as hardworking and successful as them, and thinking about it now, my grades don’t really matter but if they’re not good, they won’t show how hardworking I am, which means I won’t be able to live up to my own standards. does that make sense? I really struggled with biology and I really tried my best and if I fail it means I didn’t work hard enough. im really not passionate about it either which made it harder for me. I just don’t want one class to make me think so badly about everything. I actually am a hard worker because I've been told I was by my teachers and I don’t slack off on work, at least not all the time, so now im just annoyed that I keep thinking about this ugh
in conclusion (lmao), I had and still have many negative thoughts, but I should be thinking positively. in my mock exams I barely studied for bio and got a decent grade which won't make me fail ib, so it should actually be okay. I keep telling myself every once in a while that I will pass, because I worked hard and I did my best, and I honestly don’t think I did that bad, im just paranoid. and even if I do fail, I can work harder and retake my exams. I'll go to my second choice of school, which isn’t that bad, because I thought I was gonna go there anyway because I didn't think I would be accepted into my first choice of school, and I was excited about it nonetheless. and I will get over everything eventually.
if anyone read this, congrats for reading everything. thanks for reading I guess, I just needed a place to rant.
