#eris says

[erisgray]

Some days I’m just a frot mess

[transgenderadvice]

Is it common for some trans people to not want to change their name?

Eris says:I’m unsure on the commonality, but in all honesty, It shouldn’t matter if it’s common or not. If you like your name and don’t feel like changing it, then that’s your choice and that’s pretty much it. Anyone who doesn’t like it can go get bent. 

[transgenderadvice]

Hiya! I'm a trans guy and my partner has recently started questioning their gender and think they could be a trans girl. As I'm a guy I don't really have much experience with that side of things and they're looking for someone to chat to about how they're feeling who can understand and offer advice. If one of the mods can offer anything that's great, or if you publish this if there are any trans gals willing to talk to them I'd really appreciate it. Much love to you guys

Eris Says: Sorry about this being a bit late but My inbox is open and I’m sure there’s a few followers who wouldn’t mind. Also this blog is open to exploring and asking. 

[transgenderadvice]

Do you think it would be easier for people to use my pronouns if I change my name? My name makes me dysphoric and while my mom tries (sort of) to use my pronouns she's really not behind me changing my name (like it offends her personally) but she feels bad about not being able to get my pronouns right so do you think it would make sense to tell her it'll be easier for her if I change my name? Sorry I'm really sure if it's clear what I'm getting at

Eris says:Changing your name shouldn’t be about convenience to others to remember your pronouns or identity. It should be about what makes you comfortable. If you don’t feel comfortable with your name, then that’s up to you and you only. If your mom doesn’t like the idea of changing your name, then that’s a her problem, not a you problem. Don’t just change your name because it’ll make it easier for everyone to have some basic respect tbh, cause there’s a ton of cis people who are named either masculine names or feminine names yet get their pronouns and gender respected, so.. Why shouldn’t you get yours respected?

[transgenderadvice]

warning for transphobia]] i've been out as trans since freshman year of high school, and while i was in school, a good number of people physically and verbally bullied me for being trans. since we graduated, two of these people have come out as trans. everyone talks to me like i should feel good about this, because they were dealing with internalized transphobia and they 'worked their issues out' on me. what should i do / say about this? how should i feel?? i can't be happy for them. i hate it.

Eris says:I’m gonna be honest here. Coming out as trans does not absolve them of the abuse and bullying they subjected you to, no matter what. And honestly if they haven’t apologized to you for the shit they subjected you to, you have every right to not want to hear about them or talk to them or feel anything for them.While it’s a great thing they came out and are working on themselves, you are under no obligation to celebrate the people who put you through hell. Respond Politely, Be open and honest about the effects of their abusive behavior as a reason you have no emotional response or further kind words to them. But at the same time, remember to be respectful. It doesn’t give you a pass to be abusive back. 

[transgenderadvice]

So my trans girlfriend is supposed to be visiting next week, and my mom (who is liberal but a touch conservative bc baby boomer) isn't comfortable with her presenting. I told my girlfriend, and she was hurt and pissed and now doesn't want to visit and called my mom a transphobe. I understand and agree with both sides (to some extent). I want to please everyone and have everyone be happy, but I can't see that feasibly happening. Is my mom a transphobe? And what should I do?

Eris says: I hate to be that bitch, but your mom is being a bit transphobic tbh. Your GF’s transition isn’t about your mom’s comfort and her discomfort with your GF presenting means absolutely shit. If she cannot respect your GF’s identity, then that’s your mom’s problem, not your GF’s problem. The fact that you can “to some extent” agree with your mom honestly makes me feel like you shouldn’t be dating your GF, since you can’t even support her in this situation and are willing to give credence to your mom’s bullshit. You can’t please everyone or compromise on a situation like this and to be honest this shouldn’t be a question. you should be supporting your GF because you love her and would rather her be happy than to force herself to not present  because it makes your mom “uncomfortable”.Have you even talked to your GF about this? Honestly If I were her, I’d walk without lookin back the minute you said you agree with your mom to some extent. 

[transgenderadvice]

Before I came out I was a bi girl. Now I 100% am a straight male, but I found this girl and we shared and intimate moment last night but it's my first time since coming out a year ago. I feel like I don't know how to 100% be the male in the relationship, any advise?

Eris says:

Congratulations. You’re pretty much there. You’re Male and in a relationship. Since you’re the only male in the relationship. You are by default the main male of the relationship (And your girlfriend is the main female of the relationship). See what I did there? tbh, There’s not a whole lot you can do other than conform to some male stereotype, which honestly is stupid and would not be advised. Just love your Girlfriend, be happy and enjoy the relationship. 

[transgenderadvice]

So I came out as trans to a close friend of mine and it seemed like she was ok with it but like a week later she went on to say how it kinda hurts her because her friend is changing drastically and compared it to having a family member dying. She also went on to say when she try's to use he/him pronouns it's like a knife stabbing her chest, she's not like refusing to use them though. She also mentioned once I told her she cried for three days, I guess I just don't know how to react to this

Eris Says:

I’m gonna cut it straight with you. It doesn’t matter how she feels about your transition and honestly I hate how she’s framing it to be about how hard it is on her emotionally to acknowledge the fact that you are transitioning. The whole “I feel like I’m losing a family member” “and the “respecting your identity is killing me because it just furthers my feelings of loss” thing feels to be a bit on the guilt trip side, but trying to act like it comes from a good place or has some deep emotional meaning. 

Honestly, It’s not your place to do anything to comfort her RE: your transition, because it seems like the only thing that would comfort her would be to stop being trans so that she can “have her family back together” or whatever. She needs to build a bridge and get the hell over it & Herself and be there for you and if she cannot do that without guilt tripping you, then she doesn’t need a place in your life. You don’t need someone who is gonna make you feel guilty for finally being true to yourself.