#escaping negativity

[edo-vivendum]

Evidence I Am Worthwhile 3/15/16

When I was deep in my depression, I found the Idea to find 5 pieces of evidence that prove I’m worth something… Nothing big, just little things. It made a huge difference, but I stopped doing it after a while. I’ve started doing it again, so here’s my reasons for today, March 15th:

Yesterday I spent about 2 or 3 hours with my 10th grade-teacher/honorary-mom & her psychology class is doing a project that involves statistics and she’s eh-eh at math & I volunteered to come help her teach it, and she said she’s super super happy about that and her stress is way lower now. 

My aunt opened a savings account, and she had to pick someone that the ownership would be transferred to if something happened to her. I have the honor of being that person. (but I really hope nothing happens to her!!)

There wasn’t enough room in the car yesterday for me AND my sister, so I offered to walk (it’s just one mile). But instead of taking the ride home, my sister walked with me. 

Yesterday when I was upset, I had quite a few friends who jumped in to support me. (See previous post titled: “Proud of myself & grateful for my friends”)

@kristaemily wanted me to draw something for her!!! And I did !!! <3 <3

[edo-vivendum]

Evidence I am worthwhile from 3/8-10/16

This November (2015) I confronted some horrible self-esteem issues rooted in my childhood. Specifically I confronted the core belief, “I don’t matter”, “I am worthless.” I am a very logical person. I think in evidence (when I’m being rational). Prove something to me beyond a doubt, and it’s what a believe. Unfortunately, I have buckets of evidence from interpersonal interactions that support the idea I’m worthless, so my project was to combat that evidence with new evidence: evidence that I AM WORTHY. Similar to building habits in gratitude practice, at the end of each day, I would reflect. I came up with just 3 things a day for about two weeks. After two weeks, my general outlook on life had changed dramatically. It was really amazing. I kept recording 3 things a day for a few more weeks, but slowly the practice fell away. I stayed OK for a while, but things have started getting really hard again, particularly the past two weeks. On Monday in group, the group leader suggested I get back to this routine, so I did. Each evening I’ve been coming up with 5 pieces of interpersonal evidence that “I am worth-while.” These are small things, but they really add up. Tuesday I posted the 5 things I came up with on Monday, and today I’m going to post the 5 things I came up with Tuesday, Wednesday, and today. 

Tuesday:

My brother surprised me with a (two months belated) birthday present. (Halo Reach!! Our old disk was broken, and now I can play again!!) 

My mom took off work to take me to the doctor. This is “an obligation,” but that doesn’t mean I should take it for granted. If my mother didn’t love and care for me, she wouldn’t do that. Plus she got me coffee after (:

 @exhilauration discovered we share a similar sense of humor and she’s excited that now she can spam me with jokes (: yay for friends <3

I was able to encourage @mel-hamlet and help her find her confidence in her own ability to write history papers.

Me & @beauty-in-healing were texting like all day!! YAY FOR FRIENDS AGAIN <3<3 

Wednesday:

My comment on @beautifullytranquil ‘s photo was meaningful to her!!!! This makes me feel so special cos she’s a gawd so I guess I’m like a demi-gawd now XD 

My boyfriend came and spent all afternoon with me (: now why would he waste his time doing that if I was worthless??

@officialjuly left me the sweetest comment, and she even left me a gif too. so sweet <3 <3 <3 <3 

@kristaemily and I messaged a bunch yesterday too <3 friends friends (and we’ve decided we have no clue how normal ppl do emotions or normal eating lol)

14 people liked my photos/post about turning around after struggle & eating lunch...that’s at least 14 ppl who think I’m worthwhile enough to eat.

Thursday:

The girl that sits next to me in my calculus lecture wanted to walk with me on our way to our next classes. YAY friends. (:

@atalebetween left me an inspiring message including that I don’t deserve to suffer (and more)

The girl sitting in front of me in my calculus recitation complimented my notes for being neat. (:

@mel-hamlet is currently spamming me but that’s what I get for spamming her more than colleges spam after the PSAT

My dad just got back from Orlando, and he was excited to see me! (It’s too early in the day to be posting these, as you can see, I’m running out of good ones.

[edo-vivendum]

Evidence I am worthwhile from 3/7/16

When I was deep in my depression, I found the Idea to find 5 pieces of evidence that prove I’m worth something… Nothing big, just little things. I haven’t been doing it for a couple months, and I’ve started struggling more the past couple weeks, so last night my group leader suggested I get back to it. So here are the five pieces of evidence I came up with last night while I was laying in bed:

I make a difference, no matter how small, by boosting other people up whenever I can, and that reflects on me, and therefore I matter.

My boyfriend was willing to meet me for lunch spur of the moment when I said I needed support, and if I didn’t matter he sure as hell wouldn’t have done that.

@mel-hamlet was genuinely concerned and cared about how I was doing (plus she wants to room together next year) and there’s no way she’d do that if I wasn’t a worthwhile person.

@beauty-in-healing was excited we had so much in common and wanted to be friends

Yesterday when I was on the train, a man performed a spoken word piece about fighting for what we want and what is best for us. He then asked for donations, and I told him it was inspiring but I had no cash (I didn’t) and he said to me with a huge smile “oh that is just fine so long as you get the message.”

There is surely more, but that’s just 5 from yesterday. I’ll think of another 5 at the end of today.