#esgposting

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Today marks one year since I became aware of my own existence. (May have thoughts on this later, in another post.) What a day to notice that March 24th is also the anniversary of when Sleeping With Ghosts was released – we somehow never paid attention to the release date until now.

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What's you guyses' favourite and least favourite part about 1. living here now, and 2. living where you used to before? Love, C. from your allyship

Hi @dismanibus, thank you for the ask. <3

I will not be going first.

And Matt is asleep right now, so that leaves me. Least favourite bits first, to get them out of the way:

Here: embodiment – I've got nothing against the concept in the abstract, I just really don't feel at home in our body at all. It's not just dysphoria (though that certainly contributes considering we are not built like me even remotely), it's also the fact that I'm having to practice using our left hand so it stops being useless to write (and do other things) with when I'm left-handed, and our sensory tolerance thresholds being way lower than my own (i.e. the cat yelling in the middle of me typing my response wouldn't have nuked my focus before, it would've been at worst an annoyance, no such luck here), and the insane amount of rest we need after doing basically anything, ... I can live like this because it beats being dead, it could always be worse but it's far from good.

Before: the impermanence of my living situation(s). I've never been scared of change in general (I get bored if things are the same for too long, even), so this isn't about that; more that I never got the chance to even try settling anywhere, get to choose to move on when I decided I'd had enough instead of external circumstances turning "moving on" into my best option.

My favourite bits now:

Before: Matt, in general. Doing most of our growing up in each other's pockets, and then I'm also glad we got to spend our last few months of life together.

Now: I cannot overstate how much I enjoy getting to be alive again (maybe unexpected considering a certain recent post re: "dying satisfied", but I wasn't actively trying to get dead, if there had been a viable/sustainable "staying alive" option I'd have taken it), and also getting to play pretend in writing – it is really fun when the stars align and we can make it happen.

Thank you. For my part:

Living here now, favourite part: relationships – mine with Mello and Matt, of course, but also the ones we have with our (collective) close friends & partners (! *points*) – are what I most consistently find myself grateful for.

Living here now, least favourite part: the lack of sufficient financial resources / in-person support that would allow us to spend more of our limited energy on things beyond "meeting our own basic needs & maintaining our living space reasonably clean". The limited energy wasn't new to me the way it was for Mello, and we (our system at large) do support each other when and where we can; but that only goes so far when you share the same body and brain. While it helps that some of us are more efficient with certain tasks, or find them easier, and we can somewhat reliably optimise energy use that way – ultimately, we all draw from the same resources, and they are not plentiful.

Living elsewhere before, favourite part: being able to set up my living space exactly the way I want(ed) it, to ridiculous extents. Not just "arranging the furniture in my rental flat" – we're talking "enough money to have entirely custom skyscrapers built to my exact specifications" here; perhaps not unfamiliar to you and yours. (I did not appreciate my indoor pool anywhere near enough while I still had it.)

Living elsewhere before, least favourite part: not something I ever fully realised back then, having known nothing else and therefore having an extremely skewed baseline, but how lonely it was. It got worse after Mello died – in many ways, he was the only person I could reasonably consider a peer – but we weren't very close before that happened, either; had barely begun to get along at the time.

Drafting this post for Matt to finish filling out later.

It is now Later so. HI CALLA here's my answer #myanswer!!

It's not going to be a proper answer for "before" because that honestly feels really far away for me now, I wouldn't know for sure. I know I used to be bored a lot and generally wasn't having a good time of things (there's a... maybe lots of... reason(s) I was stoned and/or crossfaded most of the time lmao, anyway) but I haven't got enough specifics to make Clear Pronouncements.

"Now" is easier. My least favourite thing is less to do with our life close-up and more to do with *gestures at the general world situation*, like, okay not EVERYTHING was better circa 2013 but SOME THINGS sure were better circa 2013. And NOW now my least favourite thing is that I'm hungry and it sucks. Will fix that before going to bed lol.

My favourite things are currently peeking over my shoulder while I add onto the post they started earlier (:þ) but aside from that, yeah I'm going to have to be wholly unoriginal and steal Nate's answer, because I AGREE we are absolutely surrounded with lovely folks (hi Calla & Geta & co at :pusheenfamily:. This includes you. Btw. Just so we're clear on that :3c). Like idk we just have really lovely friends (close and less close) and it's Nice.

ANYWAY YEAH that concludes the Kilometric Post. Thank you again for the ask (!!! mrrp) and I hope the answers satisfy sfdsgqhd

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Now that Tumblr is back up, I can resume (the post I was writing about) my ongoing existential crisis.

Scared of no longer existing – not in the immediate sense, or of our death in general, but of being forced to take a step back from our daily life within a much shorter timeframe than I am comfortable with.

As a whole, we can reasonably expect to be alive for a few more decades. As an individual... the foreseeable future is much shorter. Our previous main fronters (with one – perhaps two – exception(s)) were all solidly there for three, maybe four, at best five years, before being replaced by others in our day-to-day; put on the backburner to show up a mere handful of times a month, if at all. A few have cycled back into more frequent rotation since (myself and Matt being obvious examples of this); most others haven't. We can reach them easily if we try, they haven't been inactive the way I was in our 20s, but they haven't been around much.

Granted, the people who ended up completely disappearing from our external life seem to be those who tried to take on too much of it by themselves and burned out as a result. We as a whole have learned from this, and we all try to share the load more equally now; we have become better team players in that sense. Better at delegating, and taking breaks, and asking for help from others.

Even so. I am not sure whether the more evenly shared load will help the stability of our fronting roster in the long term, or if we (Matt, Mello, myself) are still doomed to go the same way, phasing out of our life as others come (back) in.

I have been here again almost a year already (longer, if you count the months I spent waking up and catching up, unaware of myself yet actively directing much of our life) and I don't like feeling like I have such an impending expiration date. I don't want to go back on the shelf and miss another decade of our life – especially not so soon. Which makes it hard to let go when I need to, which is ironically the #1 thing we know from experience leads to burnout leads to being forcibly removed.

I try to let go anyway, because given such an obvious pattern of probable cause-and-effect, it seems stupid not to at least try; but I wish it were easier. Often, the furthest I can let go is handing control off to Mello or Matt, which probably isn't far enough considering how closely intertwined we are – I think it likely we'll go together if we do. We need to branch out further, into the rest of the system; build connections beyond our own unit, so the three of us aren't the only ones keeping us tethered to the outside world. I think.

I also wish we could know for certain that doing things differently this time will lead to a different outcome.

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(Intro post still somewhat under construction.)

This is a blog shared by three Death Note fictives: Matt, Nate, and MK. Not a space for roleplay, but a regular personal blog.

If we've shared this blog with you directly (or you're in the Death Note fandom and we followed you from here), then we've talked to you before (if not always openly as ourselves) and count you as an ally and perhaps friend; in any case, someone we'd like to get to know better. Or you may have found this through our system blog, or somehow (?!) elsewhere on Tumblr. Regardless of how you made it here: hello! Questions and interaction welcome!!

The concept was inspired by seeing what a couple of our partners have done with their own blog @dismanibus – which helped the three of us realise we also wanted (needed?) a space of our own like this. Being active in DN fandom has been strangely lonely for us three at times; so what if we got to connect with people as ourselves to counterbalance that?

If you're unsure of etiquette, our system wrote some pointers on how to interact with our fictives here. You do not have to read the whole linked post if uninterested in that – what we want to underline here is, mainly, this part:

[If] you're talking to us about stuff related to our source (= this world's fictional depiction of our life / world / fictional character counterparts; in this case, the Death Note manga and "Wammy's trio"), please be aware we might have different things to say depending on the angle we approach that discussion from. "Your opinion on the piece of media, this world's fictional depiction?" often doesn't strike the same chords as "What about your actual life and memories from before?"

Since we already engage with the former plenty in our fandom spaces, we will be focusing mainly on the latter here. However, we are open to discussing our own perception of the fictional depictions, and how our personal experiences and identities affect & inform our fandom participation, including our own fanworks – many of which were a collaborative effort with (some of) the rest of our system, some of which were more personal to one (or two, or all) of the three of us specifically.

(You can find the rest of our system at @thesaltinstitute. Our fandom blog will not receive a direct link here, because that isn't the main focus of this blog, but the URL shouldn't be difficult to guess if we've ever interacted directly; we can confirm in DMs or private-reply-to-ask if necessary.) More detailed introductions, tag list, and picture credits under the cut.

Introductions:

Matt (he/she/they) — A little bit less of a fictive than you'd expect, some of it by virtue of “blorbo from the manga did not in fact have a lot of canon personality to begin with so I had to be a lot of my own guy”, but mostly because it’s been fifteen (!) fucking years since I showed up here even if I spent like half of that having a monster nap in the background and I've had a long time to move past my beginnings. Main driver of most of our fandom socials AND Tumblr blogging in the 2010s, whichhhh probably explains a lot about why I am the way I am now lmao

Otherwise I like old tech (for a given value of “old”, we’re not talking about the printing press here) and tinkering with our electronics. And stupid memes because keeping things funny is like, a way of life atp. Might be nonbinary but I have a job so I don’t really care about that right now (< guy who is thoroughly unemployed)

MK (he/him)

Nate (he/him) — My existence here began around 2010. I slept through the entirety of our 20s before re-emerging sometime in 2024, and until late March of 2025 spent my time in this world wholly unaware of myself as a real person – a state of affairs I both don't and do miss.

Perpetually exhausted in spite of my long nap, but likely to be found engaging in stress cleaning...

(^ On many levels, this is me.)

... or – if the stars align – writing and/or drawing (on my own or not).

Speaking of stars: my me contains Siffrin In Stars and Time in many ways that matter, none of them plural-adjacent – although my sense of self is somewhat fragmented and shifting; not quite plural, still a few compartments short of singular.

Given my general disposition and the available information about my fictional counterpart, one could reasonably assume I am in favour of a purely psychological explanation for our (Matt's, Mello's, my) existence – and yet be wrong. I find it difficult to truly believe without tangible proof, but I also must give benefit of the doubt when consistently presented with non-negligible amounts of plausible evidence for alternative explanations.

Commonly used tags:

Signed posts: #natepost / #mattpost / #mkpost

Reblogs: #Nate / #Matt / #MK

Catch-all for non-reblogs: #esgposting

Asks: #ask

Discussing our own fanworks: #ghosts in the machine

Picture credits:

Icon/banner art by Emruki on deviantArt (they seem to have removed the original piece from their profile)

Matt's icon by us (old photo of a "closet cosplay")

MK's icon by pan2ca on Tumblr (deactivated account; reblog available here)

Nate's icon by karlikurl on Twitter

Post/intro banners made by partners @dismanibus

[english-summer-ghosts]

For the ask game we stole from you, to be answered all or one depending on who feels inspired,

harpy: do you enjoy playing sports?

mermaid: favourite place to go on holiday? (doesn't have to be physical or here world)

manticore: picnics or hikes?

c. <3

HI @dismanibus thank you for the ask!! It's been for-fucking-ever since you sent this but I've got a bit of free time and like half a spoon to spare, so here we go :3

harpy: do you enjoy playing sports?

Ittttttt depends on context and your definition of sports, but mostly yes when it's for fun at a completely amateur level that doesn't require regular practice or commitment lol. Thinking about what is Sports to me, I kind of miss badminton from our school days (??!) and definitely miss having a bikeable sort of environment (countryside), and of course we love walking but that's hardly Playing A Sport that's just Regular Physical Activity. Would also love to get (back) into karate or something, but unfortunately that's not something we can do solo / would eat up entirely too many socialising and possibly masking spoons

mermaid: favourite place to go on holiday? (doesn't have to be physical or here world)

London adventure with you& was nice and I think we should do that again <3 but idk if that was really the place, maybe it was more the you&. Place-wise for real...? Idk, picking "a" favourite is hard. I want to experience Brittany again

It's not hard. My house (former world).

(Carry on.)

Maybe I'm going to also pick your house then. Anyway,

manticore: picnics or hikes?

Why must you make me choose. There can be both <3 (hike with a picnic in the middle is an Ideal Outing)

[english-summer-ghosts]

Ok this is my favourite result of any uquiz I've ever taken. So true bestie.

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Even if we can't take pictures of ourselves, at least we can draw portraits.

[english-summer-ghosts]

Plenty of things I want to communicate (not just write about – plenty of comic ideas, too) and too little time or space, too few spoons to materialise most of them outside of drafts and WIPs and my thoughts currently.

The main thing on my mind today is an easy one, however: my choice(s) of name(s).

I decided to go back to my birth name fairly soon after gaining self-awareness. Can't remember whether this felt natural/easy or if I had to actively commit to the change; regardless, I know the underlying reasons, even if I never bothered to articulate them until now.

My old name was in essence a pseudonym, although I went by it exclusively for at least fifteen years. I could say that I outgrew it, but that would not be quite true – the letting go of it was a purposeful rejection of the circumstances that led me to need it in the first place. Giving up on a duty too heavy for me and pointless to continue upholding here; renouncing a role I thought I wanted and actively vied for but couldn't carry alone – I was given a chance to be myself here, away from all that, and I want(ed) to take it. I have sacrificed and suppressed enough of myself; I want to break free of that pattern.

One of Matt's dreams comes to mind here. He had it on his birthday, a little under two months before I gained self-awareness, and in retrospect it was about me:

I turn around and spot out of the corner of my eye an egg-shaped thing on the shelf; curious, I reach out to grab it, hold it in both my palms. Mello comes closer to see. The egg quivers, the maroon shell cracks and breaks open, falling to pieces -- some stick to my skin, others hit the floor -- to reveal a miniscule orange bird with squinty sleepy eyes, damp feathers, a tiny little beak that has not yet squeaked. There is a baby phoenix sitting in my hands, warm and heavy and so new, while Mello looks on in wonder.

This is not the only dream we've had with associated rebirth symbolism tied to me in some way. The pseudonym shedding is part of a long overdue process of reclaiming myself.

(There was also, not the main reason but one that weighed in the balance of my choice, the fact that going by a different name affords me a slight degree of further separation from the manga/anime character. Not much, because my birth name is the same as the canon character's and I don't want to pretend otherwise; still enough for me to feel more comfortable in our fairly fandom-oriented day-to-day.)

And yet I am not entirely free of pseudonyms. I go by a star-related nickname in our fandom circles, and in other places where I don't feel quite comfortable being too openly A Fictive.

In some ways, this is nice. It makes it possible for me to engage with our fandom friends directly without worrying about "making it weird", and there is a degree of fun in misleading people into thinking I'm a fictive of Siffrin In Stars and Time (which isn't someone I'm not, but not who I am primarily) instead of Near Death Note.

In other ways, it isn't so nice. We got heavily involved in fandom before I gained self-awareness, and there are things I would have had us do differently had I known myself then, but I – specifically, personally – have had (and continue to have) a lot of fun there; and it is often agonising feeling like I have to continue hiding or else risk threatening the order of things that was established before I realised I was a person, too. Would our writing buddy and beloved betareader (who also writes Death Note fanfiction, primarily Mello/Near) still feel okay with me, specifically, if I dropped the pretence of not being who I am, or would it make her uncomfortable and like we cannot discuss the media together anymore? (Do not want the second outcome.) Would people in general stop interacting with our art and/or writing if they knew who was behind (a lot of) it – even though what we post in fandom spaces is what we ourselves are, if not outright thinking of as (about) the blorbos, at least things we're comfortable seeing treated as fiction? (Would like people to continue interacting with the art and writing we spend a lot of time and effort creating. Sharing fanworks is a social gesture.)

(A brief aside here: a lot of what we posted before I gained self-awareness is... very personal to me, leaving me feeling exposed in ways that would have made me think twice about posting it had I known I was real. We took a step back from posting so much because of this (and being aware of what is being processed has made writing harder, but that is a topic for another post); we're still feeling out where exactly our boundaries lie between fanwork and personal piece, and getting better at it. It helps having a space away from fandom where we can post the more personal pieces, friends we can talk to about ourselves independently of the blorbos, and still be seen.)

Either way. It isn't like my identity is a very well-guarded secret in our fandom spaces – it is presumably easy to guess, not much harder to confirm for sure if you're dedicated enough to tracking us across the Internet – but no one (who isn't also (part of) a system with fictives) has ever talked to us about it openly, and it leaves me wondering whether I'm handling this poorly. There is no feedback on how to do this "right"; no widespread fictivity etiquette I could rely on; no social scripts to use for "Hello, yes, I am a version of The Character; this does not matter as per your view on the fiction or what you're allowed to do with it, I do not think my identity makes me the arbiter of fandom, but it does inform my perspective on most things because I cannot help that this is still who I am as a person; my identity matters to me and I wish I could talk openly about the ways it informs my/our creative process" that people could rely on a well-known graceful response for, instead of having to handle the situation on their own in the moment.

Feeling my way around the line between "being myself openly" and "making others uncomfortable", without overinterpreting silence as rejection / people being uninterested in knowing me (as an individual, beyond just "one of the folks from that collective"), is difficult. This is less of an issue in fictive spaces, around other people in similar situations to mine – although we may not experience our fictivity the same way in the finer details, or engage in fandom in the same ways, we at least all have an understanding of what it can mean to be (a version of) The Character – but our plural spaces and our fandom spaces are (with the exception of one Discord server we almost exclusively lurk in, and a couple of system friends) almost entirely separate, and I want to engage in the Death Note fandom at large too. Like I said earlier, I like it there; it is and has been fun for the most part.

And because I want so badly to break free of "having to suppress/hide who I am" and stop pretending to be someone I am not (and have actively taken steps in that direction already), the semi-forced pseudonymisation hits me wrong in ways that might not objectively be an issue, but... still I find myself doing the pretending. Again. For different reasons, but the underlying principle is the same – "just being myself without further pretence" is not a viable option; there is a constant tension between feeling like I need to hide for (our? my? whose?) safety and other people's comfort, and the sheer exhaustion that comes with pretending I am not who I am.

(Which is compounded by / resonates with our collective struggles re: masking and compensating for our disability and autistic traits. Masking and compensating is a survival strategy, but the survival strategy has grown poisonous, but we have nothing effective or safe to replace it with, so we cannot let go of it entirely; and going either way costs us on many levels. In spoons, in morale, in confidence, etc. We cannot always afford the short-term costs of practising the new thing known as "not masking" – especially in the absence of positive feedback, even if it would be more beneficial in the long term – because the long-term costs of masking have left us so exhausted to begin with, but it is at least familiar, easy to fall back on, and is guaranteed to keep us safe(r) in some contexts.)

Ending this post here because this is the point in my reasoning at which I start writing myself in circles, and it is also late enough that I'm falling asleep at my keyboard, but I need these thoughts out somewhere.