Yes, transphobia is real but...
we need to stop seeing transphobia in places and situations where it isn't. The world is hard enough, and transphobia-filled enough without inventing transphobia to keep our minds occupied. I don't know about you, but my current lot keeps me occupied enough. Once I finally get a break from it, I make sure to acknowledge that. I breathe, I have big long hugs with the people I love, and long chats over many cups of tea. At no point during these encounters do I think it is a good idea to pretend that they are transphobic to add to the turmoil of life because I'm bored. Actually, the people I know who see turmoil and strife where it isn't, aren't bored, they're addicted to conflict. It is easily done. Every situation requires confrontation. No problem can not be solved in a warfare-like manner. Back in the day, I may even have started my confrontations by saying 'I don't want to start an argument' and the next word to follow was 'but' and many more words contrary to my original statement after that. And, here, is where I'll get to the crux of the problem. We have instigated a war, and as armies go, just a toe out of line and you are the enemy who must be either assimilated or branded an enemy and shot. 'WE ARE BORG. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.' And what are our terms? Here is where I get to the crux of the problem. My terms are actually fairly straight-forward. Maybe you don't understand? Fine. Try to understand. Ask me questions. If any of what you have asked is offensive, I will say so as calm as I possibly can. I will correct you when you've done something deeply hurtful. So long as you are malleable to change and willing to listen. Now that's the base-level of terms that you'll ever see from any trans person. I doubt you'll see much lower than that unless you are a family member. If you're a family member and you are reading this, however, you are clearly wanting to understand so first of all: 1) well done 2) this really isn't the blog post to start with, sorry 3) the best place to start is with my own personal story, it might help you understand trans people better. It starts here and continues on in parts. Back on track. What are the terms of the army? Well this gets to the crux of what I really want to talk about, essentialist/reductive language or as it is termed by some. What do I mean by this? Having a discussion about female biology and using terms like 'women'. When women get their periods, etc. There seems to be an attack on this sort of language that I think is misplaced for a number of reasons. 1) By saying things like 'when women get periods', you have not suggested that all women get periods, nor have you suggested that only women get periods, you have merely made a statement which is a generalisation. 2) It is much easier to speak in generalisations. As human beings we often do it. Our language does not account for statistical outliers, and we shouldn't expect it to. Transsexualism is a statistical outlier. The estimated percentages are between 1-5%. In any case, a rather minute portion of the population, and thus not one that is going to be taken into account in our generalised way of speaking. 3) The population of women who can not and do not menstruate is much higher than the population of transmen who menstruate (if the population of transexuals is 1-5%, then the population of transmen is even smaller, and the population of transmen who menstruate is *even* smaller). Women who do no menstruate or can not, for whatever reason, never get irked by people using language such as 'when women get periods' for example. 4) The people I know who use such language are not meaning it to be against trans people. The people I know who use such language are some of the most understanding people when it comes to trans issues. That is not to say that some people who use this language aren't transphobic, but the use or not of this language is not a clear indicator of someone's transphobia. To assume, as some do, that the use of this language which generalises means you are transphobic is a massive assumption. It shuts down any ability of both groups (trans allies who use language some would say is essentialist and trans allies who do not use such language) to dialogue and discuss things with each other and to fight issues that trans people face that need tackling. 5) The effort it expends to change our language around biology is not worth it. Using such language as 'assigned female at birth' when it comes to these things is easy enough. Try speaking a sentence when it comes to basic biology without making any reference to gender OR sex (that's reductive too by many people's standards because sex is a social construct in their eyes; That is a longer argument, the details of which I don't think help enlighten this post). I'll give you some leeway and allow you to use AFAB and AMAB (assigned female at birth; assigned male at birth). Was it easy? Perhaps it was. Now try adjusting *all* of your language around this when you talk about these issues and do so constantly. I can tell you from experience that it is exhausting. 6) There are more important things we could be doing with our time. Let's start here, or here, or even here. 7) The other argument I hear is that some trans people get incredibly upset over this kind of language being used. My response to that was that they need to grow up. I'm not sure how they haven't gone mad if this language bothers them that much. This may, on the outset sound harsh, but I mean it literally. The language we're talking about is very prevalent and is used by nearly everyone I know, some who are supportive of trans people, and tackling trans issues, and others not at all supportive. I encounter this language daily. If I was upset every time I encounter it, I'd drive myself mad. Furthermore, a few experiences of transphobia, out in public with strangers, via your family members, or however it makes your way to you, and you can not be upset by the fact that people (many of whom understand trans issues) use the language they were brought up with, which is by and large correct, to explain issues of biology. You won't have the energy to expend on getting upset over this, and it will seem a minor issue. If you've had horrific experiences of transphobia and still get upset by this language, then I can tell you this, you will burn out eventually. I'm guessing you're already exhausted. Now, intellectually I've come to a place where I genuinely don't see a problem with using this language, but you may not and I respect that. Emotionally we have to find a way to deal with the things we face. From my perspective, even if you disagree with it, it seems a minor thing to get upset over in comparison with other forms of transphobia transgender people face (I say other because some may view this language as transphobic, I do not view it as such). In a bright room, with a triangular ceiling, and long queue, hot food, metal, wood. "You only won the debate because Mrs. Wilkes was judging. It's sexist.' Anger rises, the cup in my hand is flung across the room. It narrowly misses his head. I re-imagine that it hits him squarely in the head, but for the purpose of honesty, retell the tale as it happened. I have shit aim. In a warm and cosy living room, a fire is burning and crackling, Mrs. Wilkes sat on the sofa opposite me. It is evening, and getting dark. The end of a long conversation, a confusing conversation and I am tired. 'And one more thing, I heard you threw a cup at Matthew Broadbent in the dining hall, is that true?' 'Yes, it is.' '*sigh* Is that to do with this transgender thing?' 'No, it isn't. He said that Bulmer and I only won the debate because we're the girls house and you were judging. He said it was sexist, and it made me angry.' 'Right okay, I'm glad it isn't to do with this because you need to keep your head on your shoulders. There are many people in the world who have some pretty awful things to say about people like you. If you get angry and throw a cup at someone every time someone says something minor you will drive yourself mad.' I couldn't see it at the time, but this was very good advice.