sometimes i see all of my con friends on my dash talking to each other and reblogging posts and being really cool and jacking each others laptops and stuff and i know they're always like, visiting each other and being cool with each other
the most I have is Sadie and she's way closer to any of our other con friends than I am
I blame a lot of this on my dad and our close relationship, because sometimes it really does feel like a chain around my neck.
he wants me to be an individual and go out and live life, but he wants me home because he knows i'll be safe. he wants me to work to get money to spend on myself,but he doesn't want me to spend my money.
He wants me to be his little girl and his best friend, but he keeps being horribly judgemental and poking fun at my wounds and insecurities
.....
i really wish i had a friend relationship as close as mur and mira and marissas
i wish i wasn't so protective of myself and my feelings to the point that i don't even feel comfortable telling people my own name
i wish i didn't lie so much and push most people away from me
but i'm just really lonely all the time and i blame myself for choosing to be a loner.
and it doesn't help when nobody ever messages me
or thinks about messaging me
or thinks about me in general
.....
internet friends are nice but when the people you actually know don't even think about you or want to reach out to you it gets really depressing.
I always have to reach out to them and even then i'm the one trying to initiate a conversation
and it makes me feel like a bother and that everyone hates me
like when I message mur to askabout the mythicon panel or just even to talk or say hi i just feel like i'm bothering him
......
sometimes i think it's just easier if i just
permanently closed myself off from the world
nobody would give a shit anyway i'd just get a 9-5 job and never go to conventions and never cosplay and delete my blog and live the life my dad wants me to have and be overly responsible and be boring and monotonous and it'd be better that way because at least then i'll know there's a reason nobody ever thinks about me and the reason is because i won't give them a reason to care.
i'll just become one of the cogs in the machine
just like i'm supposed to
