#hanari rambles

[hanari502]

I've been doing some thinking lately. A lot of thinking and reading and going back through my blog and looking at what I've done and what people say, and Its a mind boggling experience.

Every day I come onto this website and pour my heart out to this blog. Every day I'm sitting here in happiness or in sadness or anger or loneliness and I bleed my soul into this teeny little text box and four thousand of you are okay with that.

That number absolutely floors me. Four thousand people care about me and the things that I do and say. And to some that might not be a lot and to others it might be more than they could imagine, but to me it means the world.

When I first started this blog 3 years ago I had absolutely no idea that I would ever gain a literal following as big as this. And I don't even do much. I cosplay and I complain about life and I post pictures of fandom stuff and snarky Asexual jokes and frogs and bugs and stupid vines.

But going back and just reading some of the things that people send me, the compliments, the walls of encouragement, the absolute flood of love and support in my crap situation. Going back and reading those I cant help but think of what I did to deserve such a wonderful group of followers to stand behind me and cheer me on.

You people call me a visionary and an inspiration but I'm just a woman getting by and living a different kind of life with a weird obsession with cartoons.

You say I'm an amazing cosplayer but I'm still just starting and I still have a lot to learn. And while I'm flattered by all of these compliments and I want to take them to heart I don't think that I've earned them yet. I've done nothing but live my life and even in that regard some of you feel it necessary to give me praise. You've told me that i've 'rocked the cosplay world' and I honestly don't see why.

And then there have been the ones that have been with me from the start and who have followed me and watched me grow this whole time, and I can't help but think if I've managed to redeem anything bad I've done in the past or if I've grown into someone that people can look up to.

And then I remember that I did and i'm floored again.

But the point of this long post is that I'm grateful. Honestly and truly grateful for all of the people that follow me. the Flower Children or 'the frogs aren't fucking' fandom (Or whatever ya'll call yourselves), and I don't know how much I say it or express it, but I really am so glad that four fucking thousand of you deem me cool enough of a person to want to keep up to date with.

And I hope I can continue to do what i've been doing. I hope I can keep cosplaying and inspiring people and being a 'visionary' (Even though i'm not). I hope that I can continue to make people smile and be happy with all the weird shit that I do. Because that's the person that I want to be. I want to be an inspiration, because I don't think very highly of myself. I really don't. I'm just a normal woman going through life in very not-so-normal ways.

But I hope, to you guys, that I can be more.

So, I don't know if I say this enough, but thanks.

You guys are the reason I keep doing what I do, and for that I am truly, very grateful.

Merry Christmas followers. I have work today and will sadly not be able to spend it online. But you bet your ass you'll see me afterwards.

[hanari502]

I haven’t been very talkative lately, or active really. Most of my posts have been at like 3 in the morning without any real additions to them or anything.

So I figured, with the new year ringing in and Yulemas around the corner, I should give you guys an update on my situation, since I haven’t said very much and I’ve gotten just oodles of support from everyone this entire time.

Things are pressured. The whole family, even on her side, has been nothing but a pile of pressure and expectations that I should be okay with everything that’s going on, but I’m not. I’m not okay with it and I’m not going to lie to save someone’s feelings. I don’t do that. I’m not going to pretend to be happy when I’m miserable inside. I’m a terrible actress.

The only solace I get anymore, the only escape and happiness I really feel anymore, is when I’m on the internet watching my shows or RPing, or occasionally playing some video games or going out to Cloak and Blasters to chill with the staff and the owner and her husband. I feel happy when I’m answering your guy’s questions and going out in cosplay and just…not thinking about everything.

But I’m not happy at home. I’m not happy and a lot of problematic things are still happening.

I still haven’t gotten my name changed legally, because that’s a lot of money I just don’t have. Its 500 dollars and with the holidays being this month and the absolute slew of events from October to now, I haven’t been able to save ANYTHING for it. It’s killing me on the inside because I want it so much but I just can’t get it and it’s the most important thing to me and all I’ve ever wanted for the past 10 years of my life, but my father is so viciously against it and he guilts me constantly into feeling bad for wanting to change it.

My laptop is also dying. It’s 7 years old and still runs Vista, and it’s dying fast. I can barely open Minecraft or Tumblr anymore without there being horrible lag or something else that’s just ruining it for me. So I’m afraid that my connection to all the people that have helped me get through all of this is going to be severed and I’m not going to get it back any time soon.

I’m also being pressured into going to the wedding, which I am vehemently against. But everyone wants me to go because ‘I’ll be doing it for my father’. I’m not doing anything that I know will make me miserable. I’m not going to pretend to support something that I wish had never happened in the first place. And so help me when that child is born I am never going to consider it my sibling.

Honestly, I just want to move. I want to move to another city or state and be able to save money with more hours at work or a second job and I just want to get out of this situation.

But I want to do it as myself. I want to do it as Hanari, and as long and hard as I’ve tried I just can’t save the money for that. My bills are picking up and my work isn’t kind. I’m going to try to look for another job, or at the very least see if I can go back to Allegra, even for like two days a week.

But things have been hard. They’ve been hard and I haven’t been well. But every time I come on tumblr and see what’s going on, and see the wonderful supportive asks of my followers, it makes me feel just a little bit better. And I’m so thankful for everyone who’s been with me this whole time.

I’m sorry I haven’t been very active. I know a lot of you come here because you like what I do, you like my cosplays and you like my personality and the opinions I have on things. You guys like me and I’m absolutely floored that 4 thousand of you are here and listening. I love you guys.

I’ll try to be active with the coming year. I have a lot of big plans and a lot of big events that I’ll hopefully be able to get excited about again.

But for right now, or for the rest of the year, things are tense. They’re tense and they’re difficult, but I’ll pull through.

I always do.

[hanari502]

I'm going to rant here about stuff so like, excuse this i'll delete it later.

If whoever is reading remembers what I said a while back about being very proud about handling my situations on my own and working to get what I need and what I want.

Thats not pride, thats actually fear.

Its been hammered into my mind growing up by my father that the only way for me to get anywhere in life or do anything is to work for it and if i'm not working for it then i'm failing at life.

I work hard because I don't want to be seen as a failure in my fathers eyes.

but i'm starting to realize more and more lately just how controlling he is and the impact that his words have on me and how he says things, and why we're always getting into arguments.

I'm also starting to realize that this kind of thing, this whole thing going on right now between Courtney and my mental health issues and these realizations and trying to figure out life and things, i'm starting to realize that its all hurting me a lot.

I can't handle the pressure of all of the things going on in my life right now, and I feel bad for saying that because the thought that 'I should be able to handle it because there are people who are worse off than me' is a constant going through my mind.

Virtually my whole life I have never felt like I was good enough for anything, and I put on a facade of being a hard worker and getting what I want through work because i thought that's what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to be strong and not let anyone see the weaknesses because then people will try to take advantage of me if i'm weak

and thats what I've been taught my whole life. Is that someone is always going to want something from me, so I made sure that nobody ever needed anything from me.

But I'm starting to open my eyes more and realize that maybe thats not a good thing to do to myself.

I'm just one person who doesn't really know how to handle too many things at once and thinks that asking for help is a weakness that can be taken advantage of.

But this kind of headstrong way of thinking is damaging me more than I'd like to admit. The fear of being taken advantage of outweighs my happiness in most situations and I just end up saying 'I'll be fine', and I've even gone as far as saying 'My job will always be more important than my health' because job=dads approval=everything.

But you know, I need to stop always trying to fish for my dads approval.

I'm not going to let his words and hurtful accusations get to me. This is my life and whether or not I decide that I need help is my choice. If people want to help me then thats their choice.

There is nothing wrong with asking for help. There is nothing wrong with letting friends help. The world is not out to get me and if it is then I have people who will help protect me if I can't handle it.

My dad is wrong.

[hanari502]

So I have finally recieved the verdict on my 'grounding' situation Even though i'm a fucking adult and I pay my own goddamn bills and this shouldn't even be happening My father has deemed it fit to confiscate not only my car, but my laptop as well for an entire goddamn motherfucking cocksucking month. So!! I have absolutely no transportation anywhere and virtually no way to connect with anyone or do updates or edit photos or virtually do any actual thing...until September. Even though i am a fucking adult and I shouldnt have to deal with this shit anymore. Even though I apologized and even rushed home to clean the mess for him so he wouldnt have to Even though I have done everything in my power to right this dumb fucking situation over ONE GODDAMN BOX OF CEREAL AND A PAIR OF HEADPHONES. I am...for all intents and purposes...incredibly homestuck. And I coulda had a fuckin date with steve tonight but nah I gotta sit home and do jack shit because i'm apparently still 12 and need to be punished for the choices I make in life. So...i wont be doing much of fucking anything this next month. I apologize in advance for all of the nothing that is going to happen.

[hanari502]

I have a lot of frustrations and I've been posting a lot solike I apologize for all the weird frustrated posts

I'm frustrated for a lot of reasons.

I'm frustrated because I'm crushing on a guy who more than likely is not interested in me (I think?) and i pray doesn't follow me on here.

I'm frustrated because my dad is still sating the 21 year old chick and she is still staying over at our house to the point where my dog is starting to smell like her and that bothers me a lot.

I'm frustrated because I haven't been getting paid enough money to manage my bills every week and my savings are dwindling.

I'm frustrated because I'm about to move out and get an apartment with two really good friends of mine and I still don't know half of the ways the world works because I've never payed large scale bills before.

I'm frustrated because I have a possibility at a sweet second job where I get ten bucks an hour to basically do nothing but it'll seriously cut into my social life and sleep time

and I'm frustrated because there's virtually no way to get out my frustrations except through RP and I've been having just the most awful shitty luck finding partners and figuring shit out.

I'm just upset and frustrated and acting like a big whiny baby and I'm sorry for making big whiny baby posts but they're gonna happen.

Sorry

[hanari502]

My dad is trying to convince me to like, turn my blogging into some kind of platform that I can profit off of

He like met up with these mig wigs from seaworld and universal and sent me this weird text about how I should use my blog to like advertise things and run events that the parks will sponsor me for and i'm like

thats a really good idea and I'd love to be able to turn my blogging into some kind of weirdo career and go places for people or whatever but i don't have the number of followers that he thinks I have and my word wouldn't go out to many people. I only have just over 3000 people following me and it may seem like a lot to other people it doesn't seem like very much to me, especially considering I'd essentially become a board for advertising.

I'm not like some commercial that they can air that everybody sees. I'm just like, a dumb fandom and cosplay blog that gets seen by 3k people and thats it.

So like, if weird things start happening in the future like if I start blogging things about Seaworld or any of the parks or some weird shit like that just know that I probably got pressured into it and am getting paid in some way shape or form.

but like, he's been really pushing me like utilizing my blog to do things and try and sell things and i'm over here just like

no, no thank you I like my blog the way it is. I have cool stuff here and people don't think i'm a sellout.

[hanari502]

Okay so the new episode of Keroro today was admittedly kind of cute.

also I geeked out with the manager of Fridays over Bleach and it was great

I had a really eventful day today, so i'm gonna take it nice and easy and play Animal Crossing for a couple of hours since I don't have to work until the afternoon tomorrow.

I'm happy today. I like life right now. Things are good and they're only going to get better from here. But they're only going to get better if I work hard to achieve my goals, so I'll probably start asking for more hours so I can save more money.

I feel like I'm in a much better place now than I was two years ago, and I'm proud of myself.

Now, Animal Crossing and I will see everyone when I see everyone.

[hanari502]

I wonder sometimes

I've noticed in the past few months that I seem to be getting somewhat more popular, like, steadily more popular each week or day or month, with my follower count and the number of people that approach me at conventions (Megacon especially) and that's got me wondering a lot.

Like, do I have fans? Genuine fans who are fans of what i do and the things I type and stories i say? I have 3 thousand followers but I know for a fact that a good number of those are people i've met at conventions, but the rest of you i'm not entirely sure.

Do I have a fandom of followers? Are there people out there who draw me or talk about me or dream of talking to me or meeting me because I've helped them somehow? Do people write stories about me or tell their families and friends about me?

Are there people that look up to me? Have I made a real difference for anyone in the world,or on this site, or just in general? Do people look forwards to when I wake up and come online and start posting?

Like, I know people like me in general, over 3200 people like me from my count over here, but I'm really starting to wonder if i'm entering like, some sort of scene of popularity, where people talk about me and share stories about me and wait for cosplays I put out and stuff.

Are my followers my fans? Or just followers? Or friends? or all or none?

I don't want to get to a point in my life where a number on a website means more to me than the life I live outside of it, but If those numbers are real people then I really do want to know if somehow I've become something more than I could have hoped for, and how many people are really there looking up to me because of it.