02:49- Ethan Dolan
AN: okay so this took some time to write, but i kinda like it
Proofread? Bitch you though, maybe next time
TW: depression and insomnia talk
Word Count: 1172
You felt lied to, betrayed and desperate. You were so in love with Ethan, had been for a couple of months now. You were tired, had been for months now, years. It wasn’t Ethans fault. Not at all. The ones you were angry with were really society. For giving you such hopeless, unrealistic expectations that love would fix everything. It had put a split between you and him. Your mood was either very flat or very low, he tried helping and you shut him out. Although it is hard to help when you don’t know what the problem is, because of that it caused strange vibes in the house that hadn’t been there before.
The worst part about night time for you was the quietness. It usually left you alone with your thoughts and everything got turned upside down and stopped making sense.
02:37
It was way too late to be awake, but there you sat just staring at the timer on the oven. Gray had forgotten to closed the door to his room all the way, so his snores could be heard all the way down to the kitchen.
02:38
You had tried almost all the tricks in the book. To drink sleeping tea, to not drink anything, turning off all electronics two hours before you went to bed. just not medicine. You didn’t want to be labeled as a druggie or a lunatic. It was all irrational thoughts, but there was also safety in being awake at night.
02:40
Feeling bad at night was not unusual for you. Every night you would go up to the room you shared with Ethan and just lay there. Staring at the ceiling. And Ethan got the message, but he was also refusing to give up on you. Every night he would lean over from his side, grab your hand and kiss the back of it before he spoke three steady words. You would squeeze his hand as a response and let go. It hurt to get up after he had fallen asleep. It hurt to look at his face, his light frown that almost was covered by his bangs. He used to look peaceful when he slept, now he just looked worried.
02:42
You raked a hand through your hair and got up. As your feet hit the ground a particularly loud snore came from upstairs, the smile that lazed its way across your face was a sad one. An envious one. You pocketed your phone and padded over to the backdoor that led to the pool. The sweatpants you have on are technically Ethan’s, which means they are way to big.
02:49
The sliding door is opening just as a sniffle escapes you. All you wish for is sleep, all you want is sleep.
“What are you doing up?”
As much as you try to hide it, the hoarseness of your voice is obvious.
“I woke up, and you weren’t there”
Ethans voice was groggy, drowsy after waking up.
“I’m sorry”
You hated apologizing, but with him it almost came too easy. Too often.
The stars were barely visible over the LA city lights. It was one of the things you missed the most about your old hometown. The little nooks of streets where you could almost make out the milky way.
“It’s alright, I guess I’m just getting worried about you.”
A weak smile forced its way onto your lips, in expectancy of the words that were leaving your lips. Apologies really came to easy with Ethan.
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologising, that’s not what I need.”
His voice was even rougher now than before. You felt a little angry at his wording, and a bit guilty about your feelings towards it.
“This is not about what you need.”
Your words were just loud enough for him to hear them.
“You know that’s not what I meant”
He didn’t bother to his annoyance at you now. In turn that annoyed you.
“Do I?, cause all I can remember from this last month is you nagging me to be happy for you, to smile for you, to laugh for you. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t fake a smile, coughed a laugh, all for you. And I’m still here, not able to sleep, barely able to breathe, just because you think you can love me better.”
You had stood up and stepped closer to him. He could see pure fire burning in your eyes, and he would return it, not in vengeance, but in trying to get you to understand.
“But I just want you to be happy! I want you to be able to see yourself the same way I do, I want you to be able to be the old you, the person you were when I met you!”
“But she isn’t here anymore Ethan! Okay? I lost her months ago, and I don’t know how to get her back!”
If your voice hadn’t broken, if the tears hadn’t started falling, there would have been so much more to say, to feel. But all that was left was an enormous feeling of being empty, sad and maybe a little bit lonely. You felt so lonely in this illness you had.
You took a step closer to him, grabbed a hold of his right hand with both of yours, and took a good look up on his face. never in your time together had you seen Ethan this distraught.
“Look, you deserve better than this. You deserve to have someone who is easier to love, someone who is happier and I’m not sure if i can give you that. I just-”
Quickly he ripped his hand out of your grip, only to run both of his hands through his hair. A tear rolled down his red cheek, and then they just kept coming. Breaking you heart with every drop of water that dripped down his chin.
He then proceeded to give you a hard look.
“No, I am not giving up on us, on this. This is the best thing that ever happened to me. If you don’t feel like being with me anymore that’s fine, but I won’t break up knowing I could help you. So I will find help-”
Ethan stepped closer and engulfed you in a tight hug, clinging to you, holding the pieces of you together.
“I’ll help you, and we will fight this, just please give me a chance to help. Please.”
Never before had you heard such desperation in his voice, felt it in his embrace. An audible sob broke through your throat and you had finally broken through to him, he finally understood in a way.
“I’ll stay, I’ll stay, I’ll stay”
It was between broken breaths and hiccups you spoke, but he understood.
03:45
You walked past the kitchen hand in hand, and although you couldn’t sleep that night Ethan held on tight to your hand, even in his sleep, with the frown a little smaller.
