the exhaustion that had settled over him, the fear that had sent his heart pounding in his chest, & the pain he had hissed through from the burns placed upon his hands had been nothing compared to the relief of knowing terasu was safe. they hadn’t been close by any means, no, but haruka could tell that in her heart, she was a good person. she was unlike the other snakes who had inhabited the haze: for what reason, he hadn’t known, but he had been grateful for receiving some of her kindness. seeing her tied to that stake, & returning to see her in such a dismal & battered state had sent his heart plummeting into his stomach, but the ease of knowing she was alive still had soothed him partially.
wincing down at his hands, he’s careful to try & bandage them with the wrappings that he had been offered. still, he stumbles with it --- his movements are clumsy & messy, but he does indeed try his best as he takes a seat. brows knit as he focuses, trying to get the most stable bandaging his can, far too engrossed in the task.
for that, he considers it his fault when the queen’s voice speaks again. at first, he had drowned it out, his head buzzing with an adrenaline high & as it wore down, the pain had flooded over it, his hearing slightly deafened. but when he had heard shintaro’s voice, his head snaps up, eyes widening as they focused on the stage. his stomach twists at the sight, fear creeping upon him & coiling around him not unlike the serpents that had filled this world.
everything happens so quickly. too quickly. one moment, she had held his hands. in another, he had been shoved towards the flames.
haruka, for once, moves without thinking. the world around him is totally silenced as he rises without realizing he was even doing so. everything is in slow motion: his stumble, the way his body falls backward, free of movement & far too loose, nearly like a marionette’s.
he only gets so far before shintaro’s body falls into the embers, & his footwork freezes in the middle of his dash forward. life is sucked out of him completely, his eyes darkening as he’s only helpless to watch --- any movement complete bleeds out of his limbs until he is limp & numb. he hadn’t even been aware of his arm outstretched, nor the way his palm had been reaching out & how shintaro’s name had been shouted out of hoarse vocal chords, as if it would even do anything. a tremble courses through his body as he can only hone in on his friend’s agonized screams, it was deafening compared to everything around him --- & the warmth of his own tears dripping & rolling down his face hadn’t been recognized either.
he cannot hear his own pained wail as he falls to his knees, his weight collapsing as they buckle underneath him & bring him down onto the cold snow. a hand clutches over his heart, & his fingers dig into the fabric of his shirt as his body lurches forward, shuddering with the force of his own sobs. he knew that this place was unfair, that it would rip things that were dear from him away --- but why now? why like this?
why wasn’t he stronger? why couldn’t he protect anyone? why was he so cowardly, so useless, so pathetic? he hated it. he hated himself. he hated his inability to do anything. & above all else, he blamed himself.
.. would he even be able to protect anyone else? would he be able to protect ian, kathy --- & most of all, would he even be able to protect marry?
he wasn’t sure. & he wasn’t even sure he could think of it right now. he had failed again. he had failed hiyori, he had failed momo, & he had failed shintaro now, too.
he was pathetic. he hated it, he hated it, he hated it & his weak body & his cowardly resolve more than anything.
