Guilt
Blood, smoke, the smell of sweat and dust. Screams and shouts called over the dying din of battle. Both sides had rang the alarm for withdraw. Another skirmish at the border of Garlean and Ala Mhigian lands came to a short end. Nothing was gained really on either side. One part of the battlefield was silent, no wails of agony or cheers of victory just the quiet of the result of war: a graveyard.
When Sarij Rahzersyn arrived at the Eorzean command base, the Maelstrom immediately separated him even from the rest of the members of the Astral Advent. With what history that weighed upon the Seawolf’s shoulders, the man was not permitted near any detachment of alliance soldiers. No protest was made to their declaration, wars cannot be fought if hate and fear are pointed inward. However, a sword was a sword, and a body was a body. Sarij received the assignment to serve as flank guard along paths where large detachments of soldiers could not traverse but the threat of special strike teams remained.
And now, Sarij sat on the rubble of a near constant battlefield. It was quiet, there were no gasps of the last breath of life from the bodies that littered the dirt and dust around him. There was no suffering, he had made sure of it. Enemies they have been, but beyond the visage of Garlean armor and ideals, a soldier in war did not deserve pain if they were to die. Those who lived carried the weight of war until they found peace in death alongside those who did not survive. War was different than battle.
“Well, aren’t you just the sour sight.” A familiar voice broke the silence looming over the mass grave. A young woman dressed in a flowery yellow sundress with matching large brimmed hat that concealed her face stepped over a fallen Garlean swordsman.
Sarij did not need to lift the visor of his helm to peer over to the woman. Like the rest of his armor, his helmet was scarred and missing large chunks. The face mask was all but destroyed, but served its purpose as instead of losing an eye he merely was half blind by blood soaking his skin and eyebrow. Even his great-sword was marred from battle. Whatever edge it had was of no use and it had lost around five ilms, not that it was going to be used anymore. The remains of the weapon was driven deep into the carcass of a magitek machine.
“Maddie.” The Roegadyn muttered through his exhaustion.
“Shouldn’t you be bathing in the well fought victory of defeating the mighty army of Garleans intent on bringing Eorzea under their heel and repeat what happened in Ala Mhigo over the entire continent?” Her bright voice contrasted oddly against grisly scene and ash filled air.
“I did nothing.” Sarij grumbled as he tried to stand, only to find his feet still not ready to carry a battered body. “There was nothing glorious in this. It was just killing. Each side throwing bodies at each other, bleeding each of forces and morale. No one gained anything. And…. this.” He motioned to the corpses at his feet and scattered around the small clearing. “Was meaningless, just death. I am not a fool, I was meant to be fodder to feed the battlefield as well.”
“Killing, it is what Blutvyse does best, isn’t it.” She did a small twirl as she continued to stroll around the fallen garleans. At one in particular she knelt down and tipped his head so that he was no longer face down, but instead the empty eyes were pointed directly at Sarij. “If there was no one to kill these men, they would have killed others. Doesn’t that make killing them a good thing?”
“No amount of killing fer a good cause can be called a good or noble thing.” Sarij growled and averted his eyes from meeting the corpse’s gaze. His arms crossed in almost childish annoyance at the woman talking to him.
“I wonder if Fari Aan Tolis is comforted to hear that his killer understands the sins of murder? Not that he can hear anymore.” She laughed and Sarij’s gaze shifted to look at the fallen man by her. “Fari Aan Tolis never had met an Eorzean before, his homeland was annexed so long ago but his grandfather refused to fight for the Garleans, and his father was injured in his youth so he could not. Fari, however, decided he would serve in the military to get citizenship for him and his family. Fifteen years he served keeping the dream of getting a better life for his wife and son and get proper care for his father. Pity instead he died face first in the dirt to be nameless and forgotten. His family likely will only ever get told he is dead moons later if ever at all.”
Beneath the blood and armor, Sarij’s body crumpled under those words and nearly meekly he spoke. “I can dig him a grave and try tah find something tah sen….”
“Naltia Aan Fogi.” Maddie cut Sarij off as she moved over to another corpse. This one was a Miqo’te woman. “Or once named N’ati Nurbai. She was captured in Eorzea some time ago and conscripted into the army. She was so scared she would see someone she knew when she saw the Eorzean forces. Instead of a familiar face that would pain her, she saw a monster cutting down her companions, a new fear gripped her in her last moments as that terrible glowing blade ripped through her armor. Her last thought wasn’t of home or anything peaceful. It merely was: Maybe we are savages after all.”
This time Sarij could not even manage a mere word. His neck grew weak and his head found the sight of the ground more comforting that watching the woman in the yellow dress walk over to two more corpses. These two had been decapitated and she picked both heads up and held them up to Sarij’s slouched form.
“Garus Oen Taso and Jenna Kir Taso. Husband and wife.” Maddie just dropped the heads at the Roegadyn’s feet. “I wouldn’t feel too bad about them. They planned to find the first temple to one of the Twelve and set it on fire with any priests or worshipers inside. The first one probably would have been one to Rhalgr. I am sure Redhammer will sing your praises for protecting his beliefs.”
She turned away to go find another corpse, but paused to glance over her shoulder. The yellow hat still concealed her face. “Oh, they had three children Mary, James, and Victor. Two of them are still sleeping in cribs and the third is reading his first books on engineering and the nanny helping him sound out the bigger words. I wonder what will happen to them… I wonder what they will do knowing their beloved parents were cut down by an Eorzean savage.”
Maddie turned completely around and stepped close to Sarij, even with him sitting her face was directly up against his. “I wonder if in coming turns it will be their turn to lay down in their own blood and gore, cut down by another Eorzean savage just like their parents. Or who knows… you are a stubborn one. It might be you helping them join their parents.”
“Why… are ya doing this?” The Roegadyn choked. “This is war.”
“Yes this is war, a war that needs adventurers and soldiers. Men who are motivated by greed, thrill of battle, and so willing to kill. So many of them so willing to kill for revenge, for country, and for ideology. It does not matter which side.” Her hand lifted to cup the marred chin of his armor. “However, dear dear Blutvyse you are a sinner who has killed for nothing. How many justified murders will you need to do to redeem the innocent souls who parted from this world by terrible hand.”
“I can… No…” Sarij fumbled for words. His armored form trembled as Maddie pressed a finger against where his lips would be to silence him.
“You could bring the entire empire to its knees, kill the emperor himself, and end the war, saving millions of lives, but you would still not be redeemed.” Her voice was low. “You are a murderer with no redemption Blutvyse, but at the same time for you to die would be an injustice to all those you have killed. You must live on with this guilt, ever adding on to it with the lives you take regardless of how justified you are. The guilt is your eternal punishment and the desire to attone but knowing you never can is your power.”
By the time Maddie had finished Sarij nearly had curled up into a ball. His arms wrapped tightly around his legs, and the armored face was buried in his knees.
“Now, go home to the Berrod, the man who accomplished what you cannot. Remember as you hold him, every man and woman at your feet here was robbed from holding their loved ones by your terrible hand. Hold on to that guilt. Remember that you must live and continue else it is an injustice to those you have killed. They must be remembered and weigh on your heart… it is best someone such as you can ever do.” The woman slipped away from the curled up Seawolf. An unnatural wind wrapped the area as she stepped toward the middle of the bodies. Bit by bit her form started to fade into red and black aether until finally the yellow dressed woman entirely vanished.
“Remember your sins. Remember your guilt.” Maddie’s voice called once more through the air.
There was silence once more for a few minutes. Then there were quiet sobs, and then there was Sarij Rahzersyn weeping into his knees alone inside the open grave of men and women he had killed.