#everydayiwrite

[blanchelfields]

it is inside

my body belongs to someone else and I'm just a visitor i feel powerless, outside of myself everything happens TO me, ON me, ON my body, UPON my body it’s done TO me i am sitting in wait waiting for it to be done with me i must be numb it thinks i’m numb it won’t allow me in it controls my thoughts, my mind, my peace everything is happening TO me and i want to reach out and take the world back (was it ever mine) i want to hold it steady but look what its done TO me, ON me, ON my body, UPON my body i let it do that TO me, ON me, ON my body, UPON my body and i tried to scream but could not find my air and so i held my mouth open only for it to come IN me bury itself IN me and so i froze i let it do it TO me (again), IN me, IN my body… it’s inside, it’s inside, it is inside.

[blanchelfields]

Take It - (Sincerely, A Stubborn Woman)

I’m gon’ need some more room, my ass is wide I was not formed to fit in perfect dimensions You gon’ have to upturn this space I came here with a purpose And yes it seems to go against everything you’ve erected But that’s alright You just gon’ have to change And no we will not negotiate my terms and conditions Because I am fiercely and wonderfully made I will bend this line cause I can’t walk up straight I will bring you to your knees cause you added some unreasonable height I can’t take I will give you a fresh and beautiful thing And it’s hard cause it’s something you didn’t create So you can’t control it and fit it to your needs But you will get on what I’m giving cause it’s what you lack And I ain’t leavin’ And I ain’t sayin’ sorry Cause I ain’t sorry for being Never will be.

[blanchelfields]

In Wait

It’s just that damn patient Truly endearing I might sit here forever I’ve thought about that I threw that around in my right mind for some time now And I should be more considerate of myself I shouldn’t let myself suffer so much For you I’ve granted myself the option to be bound By hands and feet Locked in a space that is deafening I’m just that damn patient My love In wait for you.

[blanchelfields]

There is a woman named Yara

Yara couldn’t wait to settle in her new place. For now it would be only her, an air mattress, and a few blankets. But an abundance was not what she needed right now. A fresh start was most appealing. She hit the road with that feeling nestled deeply in her heart. She had sang her favorite tunes all along the drive. Her ETA was becoming nearer and nearer.

Breaking through her reverie though came a *ping* from her phone. She could suddenly feel her heart stop. Who could this be, she thought to herself. She thought she had settled everything before she’d left. One of those settled things being getting a new phone with a new number. She raised her hand to turn down the music. She then placed both her hands securely on the wheel, eyes fixated on the road…

The house had to burn down. The body along with it. She could escape this thing that had been done. She could go elsewhere and be alone. Start over. Besides, she had come into a world where no one had claimed her. No familial ties would ever bind her blood to any one soil. She could disappear. And so she began her work.

[blanchelfields]

To be fearless is to be free. And I aim to be free.

This writing today is inspired by a piece I read today. A piece that succinctly spoke to my feelings. Feelings I expressed just a day ago. Feelings that were spoken to a friend. My feelings came pouring through after 3 shots of my now favorite tequila. Those feelings then left me the next day in quite a “mood”. I avoid using the term “depression” in place of “mood” because I don’t want to incorrectly use a term without first having proper diagnosis from a clinician. But my “mood” was quite debilitating in that I could not leave the house, I could not offer much in conversation or interaction with people. I was clothed in a feeling of “tired” all day. This “mood” is a constant occurrence in my life. It is hindering to my creative spirit. It is quite annoying to me. I really fight with myself to “be happy” and have a spirit of “just doing things”. But in this “mood”, I just can’t.

But back to the piece I read today! The writer laid out the feeling that wrapped me in yesterday’s “mood”. She describes her own depression: something brought on by how the world dictates unspoken rules and when you, yourself commit to these rules and are let down because of them, the anger that commences. I’ve been there (I am working through a constant of being there). I am a very naïvely practical person: if I do this, then I should get this. I’ve framed my life by this practicality. I build relationships based on this practicality. And I am constantly let down by this practicality. Because quite naturally, life is not ordered in such a way.

And I am a scientist. I should understand this very thing. There is a concept called entropy which describes the degree of randomness or disorder in a system. The second law of thermodynamics proposes that systems will proceed spontaneously to increase their entropy. Science tells me that shit is chaotic. And still I have so much trouble in the reconciliation of this concept.

And when things don’t work out, when chaos ensues, I am left disappointed, hurt, fearful. I lash out at those closest to me, I push people away. I become distrustful of the world and I climb into myself trying to reconcile my fears. I become paralyzed as a result of this utopian society I’ve forced myself into.

I live my life in hopes the predictability will win. I leave little room for spontaneity. Perhaps because as a child, I saw too much. I lost my innocence too soon. And I went on to create a world where rules provided for me stability. Where I could assure a more peaceful future. I hold inside a fear of losing. A fear characterized by childhood nightmares making themselves staples in my adult life. And so I have created this other world where there is a rigidity that calms all of my fears. If only I can live within this box…

But it gets uncomfortable I have to bend myself at impossible angles I get cramped The air here suffocates me Breathing is laborious And I want to break free of this world I want for myself something anew

Fear grips you. It is probably the most crippling of things. To be fearless is to be free. And I aim to be free.

[blanchelfields]

Lest we should forget

Happiness should be seared on your side At birth It should be a mark For all to see For all to remember

Lust should be sown into flesh At death It should leak from the pores of your soul Wrap your trust in its heavy arms For all to embrace

Love should be forgotten Only in written form to worship its myth Told to children as a warning But it should be bound to fantasy For all to lose

Pain is eminent It created earth It birthed you and I There that everyone would bear witness For all to keep

Here are the abiding principles for our world on Happiness, Lust, Love, and Pain. No one thing should put burden to body.