Signed...

An ode to the celebration of Me, Myself, and I; to that which is powerful yet fragile, dangerous yet innocent

[blanchelfields]

it is inside

my body belongs to someone else and I'm just a visitor i feel powerless, outside of myself everything happens TO me, ON me, ON my body, UPON my body it’s done TO me i am sitting in wait waiting for it to be done with me i must be numb it thinks i’m numb it won’t allow me in it controls my thoughts, my mind, my peace everything is happening TO me and i want to reach out and take the world back (was it ever mine) i want to hold it steady but look what its done TO me, ON me, ON my body, UPON my body i let it do that TO me, ON me, ON my body, UPON my body and i tried to scream but could not find my air and so i held my mouth open only for it to come IN me bury itself IN me and so i froze i let it do it TO me (again), IN me, IN my body… it’s inside, it’s inside, it is inside.

[blanchelfields]

Take It - (Sincerely, A Stubborn Woman)

I’m gon’ need some more room, my ass is wide I was not formed to fit in perfect dimensions You gon’ have to upturn this space I came here with a purpose And yes it seems to go against everything you’ve erected But that’s alright You just gon’ have to change And no we will not negotiate my terms and conditions Because I am fiercely and wonderfully made I will bend this line cause I can’t walk up straight I will bring you to your knees cause you added some unreasonable height I can’t take I will give you a fresh and beautiful thing And it’s hard cause it’s something you didn’t create So you can’t control it and fit it to your needs But you will get on what I’m giving cause it’s what you lack And I ain’t leavin’ And I ain’t sayin’ sorry Cause I ain’t sorry for being Never will be.

[blanchelfields]

In Wait

It’s just that damn patient Truly endearing I might sit here forever I’ve thought about that I threw that around in my right mind for some time now And I should be more considerate of myself I shouldn’t let myself suffer so much For you I’ve granted myself the option to be bound By hands and feet Locked in a space that is deafening I’m just that damn patient My love In wait for you.

[blanchelfields]

There is a woman named Yara

Yara couldn’t wait to settle in her new place. For now it would be only her, an air mattress, and a few blankets. But an abundance was not what she needed right now. A fresh start was most appealing. She hit the road with that feeling nestled deeply in her heart. She had sang her favorite tunes all along the drive. Her ETA was becoming nearer and nearer.

Breaking through her reverie though came a *ping* from her phone. She could suddenly feel her heart stop. Who could this be, she thought to herself. She thought she had settled everything before she’d left. One of those settled things being getting a new phone with a new number. She raised her hand to turn down the music. She then placed both her hands securely on the wheel, eyes fixated on the road…

The house had to burn down. The body along with it. She could escape this thing that had been done. She could go elsewhere and be alone. Start over. Besides, she had come into a world where no one had claimed her. No familial ties would ever bind her blood to any one soil. She could disappear. And so she began her work.

[blanchelfields]

To be fearless is to be free. And I aim to be free.

This writing today is inspired by a piece I read today. A piece that succinctly spoke to my feelings. Feelings I expressed just a day ago. Feelings that were spoken to a friend. My feelings came pouring through after 3 shots of my now favorite tequila. Those feelings then left me the next day in quite a “mood”. I avoid using the term “depression” in place of “mood” because I don’t want to incorrectly use a term without first having proper diagnosis from a clinician. But my “mood” was quite debilitating in that I could not leave the house, I could not offer much in conversation or interaction with people. I was clothed in a feeling of “tired” all day. This “mood” is a constant occurrence in my life. It is hindering to my creative spirit. It is quite annoying to me. I really fight with myself to “be happy” and have a spirit of “just doing things”. But in this “mood”, I just can’t.

But back to the piece I read today! The writer laid out the feeling that wrapped me in yesterday’s “mood”. She describes her own depression: something brought on by how the world dictates unspoken rules and when you, yourself commit to these rules and are let down because of them, the anger that commences. I’ve been there (I am working through a constant of being there). I am a very naïvely practical person: if I do this, then I should get this. I’ve framed my life by this practicality. I build relationships based on this practicality. And I am constantly let down by this practicality. Because quite naturally, life is not ordered in such a way.

And I am a scientist. I should understand this very thing. There is a concept called entropy which describes the degree of randomness or disorder in a system. The second law of thermodynamics proposes that systems will proceed spontaneously to increase their entropy. Science tells me that shit is chaotic. And still I have so much trouble in the reconciliation of this concept.

And when things don’t work out, when chaos ensues, I am left disappointed, hurt, fearful. I lash out at those closest to me, I push people away. I become distrustful of the world and I climb into myself trying to reconcile my fears. I become paralyzed as a result of this utopian society I’ve forced myself into.

I live my life in hopes the predictability will win. I leave little room for spontaneity. Perhaps because as a child, I saw too much. I lost my innocence too soon. And I went on to create a world where rules provided for me stability. Where I could assure a more peaceful future. I hold inside a fear of losing. A fear characterized by childhood nightmares making themselves staples in my adult life. And so I have created this other world where there is a rigidity that calms all of my fears. If only I can live within this box…

But it gets uncomfortable I have to bend myself at impossible angles I get cramped The air here suffocates me Breathing is laborious And I want to break free of this world I want for myself something anew

Fear grips you. It is probably the most crippling of things. To be fearless is to be free. And I aim to be free.

[blanchelfields]

Lest we should forget

Happiness should be seared on your side At birth It should be a mark For all to see For all to remember

Lust should be sown into flesh At death It should leak from the pores of your soul Wrap your trust in its heavy arms For all to embrace

Love should be forgotten Only in written form to worship its myth Told to children as a warning But it should be bound to fantasy For all to lose

Pain is eminent It created earth It birthed you and I There that everyone would bear witness For all to keep

Here are the abiding principles for our world on Happiness, Lust, Love, and Pain. No one thing should put burden to body.

[saying]

[blanchelfields]

(1) - Ancestral Gaze

I am a Black woman trying to find my fit in a world that does not make room for me I say to myself, I will carve out my own space I very much intend to do it my way And the very voice I’ve used to make my peace betrays me and so becomes my undoing I’ve tried to claim this body of mine all mine But my mans wants to claim half the prize Says to be full of myself I must be relegated as his And I’m his for as long as he wants me to be Then its left to his friends Sometimes they don’t recognize me I tried to give them my name but just like yesterday they forgot it Records been purged they say Her-story forgotten And now I keep writing with the hope of making her become alive again I wish for her the range to dance to a beat satisfying to her soul Maybe her sisters will break out a rhythm for her Maybe it’ll be her mother Live sister. Do not die.

[blanchelfields]

[blanchelfields]

#XD30 - Day 28 - “Be not dismayed...”

Rest assured where you are is where you’re supposed to be. Thank Him for his Light He has placed in your life. Thank Him because though others would deem you unworthy of your place, He has been faithful to your destiny. He is invested in you. He believes in you. He will keep you. He has never left you. He will walk with you every step of the way.

[blanchelfields]

#XD30 - Day 27 - For Today

Visionary. Leader. Influencer. Artist. Writer. Singer. Beautiful. Fearless. Determined. Successful. Teacher. Evangelist. Preacher. Motivational Speaker. Scientist. Biologist. Creator. Innovator. Dependable. Nurturer. Caring. Supportive. Advocate. Intelligent. Wise. Funny. And the beat goes on and on and on and...

I woke up this morning and thought I should practice some self care. In fact, before I laid down last night, the only thing I could think about is taking care of her. She is so special to me you know. I have come across many but this woman has truly captivated my mind. She makes me smile. Not saying that she’s perfect. But I can even appreciate her imperfections. She has sense enough to even work on those. That’s what makes me love her. I love that she is aware. I love that she wants to give the best of herself to me. She is so much more than anyone could ever ask for. I’m in awe of her. I’m in love with her.

[blanchelfields]

#XD30 - Day 26 - For Yesterday

I thought I would not travel far without you. The path I must take is true in uncertainty. I leaned on you for a strength I thought I didn’t have. I kept you close being the burden I knew you were to be all for the sake of you keeping me. I got lost in it. I looked in the mirror and didn’t see who I was anymore. I only saw you. I only saw what I could be in you. I traveled inside you in search of myself and I was nowhere to be found. I got angry and began to rip you open determined to find me and you came up empty. I thought I needed you to find me. I didn’t. I don’t.

[blanchelfields]

#XD30 - Day 25 - Character Design (Lucinda)

You have made our lives a living hell! You might as well had taken a jagged knife and stabbed each of us in the hearts. You have given us every reason to die and frankly I am glad one of us gotten the privilege to break free from this perpetual state of hell. I made just one simple request and as usual you can’t even do that! Why have you even stayed?! You've made it abundantly clear that you would rather be elsewhere. Just fucking go! I am tired of looking at you. I am tired of dealing with a half-assed version of you and me having to accept that. I am tired of me having to just take what you give and be appreciative of what you give, no matter how debilitating and humiliating it is for me! I am fucking tired! You are the worst excuse for a father and I hate you! With every part of me, I hate you!

Lucinda stood there, her face drenched in tears. She crafted every word. She caressed each of them. She nurtured each of them and spoke for the truth that was buried inside herself. It would take a small disagreement for this revelation to be released, but she had been turning it over in her mind for 27 years. Today she gave them permission to be born. A fire in heart, a peace took over her as she released these words. But she knew that in this moment the half of man she once had as a father was no more. Today she would kill that part of the man too.

Ray turned to walk out the door. In a few minutes, they heard the sound of the lawn mower going outside.

[blanchelfields]

#XD30 - Day 24 - Note to a Dying Man

I love you even through the worse of you. I will care for you the rest of my life. Even in eternity my love will still hold true for you. If the world falls apart I will stand for you. I will keep you when all else is lost. You can trust me through it all. I promise this to you.

[blanchelfields]

#XD30 - Day 23 - Beyoncé Taught Me

The past few months, I have been dealing with quite a bit both personally and professionally. It all really began in the summer of 2016 when I made a slew of horrible decisions. Couple that with situations happening around me that were totally out of my control and you can guess that my world has been spiraling out of control ever since. An advisor of mine told me I should seek the help of a therapist in the fall of 2016 and stubbornly, I did not. So now you could probably understand why my posts have been laced with emotion, disappointment, etc. I have taken a step back and upon the recognition of these depressing themes, I felt compelled to write more happier posts. But that would be a lie because I AM fucking depressed. I am trying to work my way back to peace, but I ain’t there yet. I have been frustrated, pissed off, anxious, and a host of other emotions. I have seemingly lost control and I am fucking mad about it. I had sex with a person that I loathe now. I have lost friendships that I now look at like “did this person ever have any vested interest in cultivating this relationship”. I look at EVERY relationship whether it be platonic or romantic with an eye so cautious it makes me paranoid. This makes for quite a life I must say so myself.

But what is even more irritating, outside of my family, I have never had such interest in relationships platonic or otherwise. People have never been able to affect me so before. I am sure this new “thing” has a lot to do with me being in a new city where I knew no one upon first moving here. Surely, this move has made me more vulnerable for human connection.

But then, Beyoncé’s “My, Myself and I” shuffled through my Apple Music. I received an epiphany: FUCK ALL THIS! Niggas can be and will be ain’t shit. That is just a fact of life. It does not mean that I have to give up on people, but I can let go of the motherfuckers that fit snuggly into that “ain’t shit” mold. I don’t have to try to figure them out but I can smoothly move on to what is next. I can admit that in all of my trouble I have been at fault for playing stupid. You know how it goes. You peep game, trouble and put it off as if it’s nothing. You see the same sign over and over. The sign hits you on the fucking head and still, you play stupid. Then you get all out of sorts emotionally when the shit explodes in your face. Me, I am too smart to play stupid. You are too. What you see is what you see. Do not try to edit that shit or dress it up to make it appear as though it is something else. You will play yourself in the end.

Beyoncé’s “My, Myself and I” is not a song about advocating for you to be a loner. But in this moment, for me, it is about trusting yourself, respecting yourself, honoring yourself. No matter what heartbreak you are experiencing or have experienced, no one will ever have the best of you. We can lose ourselves in relationships. We can forget about ourselves trying to be “good” to others. Loving someone else should not involve you dismissing yourself. You are no good to anyone if you are not good to you.

[blanchelfields]

#XD30 - Day 22 - Girl Anointed

They are troubled. Their troubles are not your troubles. Be careful with those of whom you joke with. Mind the insults. You never have to show your hand. Just make a mental checklist. Guard your heart. Keep your spirit.

[blanchelfields]

#XD30 - Day 21 - Let’s Get a Stirring

I am not empty. I am never empty. I need a stirring. I only just need a stirring. But I am not empty. I will never be empty. I am too much to ever be lacking. I need a fire. A burning sensation inside. Something to help initiate the stirring. I am not empty. I have never been empty. I will never be empty.