#everythingisastateofmind

[wevsy]

[crystalmeccc-blog]

17 / Crown Roots

I watched your eyes flicker to the back of the room. A young goddess with braids and a bright smile walked in. Your eyes lit up and a smile reached from ear to ear across your face.

I wish you looked at me like that. I wish you still looked at me like that.

I stepped up to you and you handed my a microphone. I smiled at the crowd, secretly suppressing whatever was boiling up inside of me. My voice painted my emotions, not all of them though.

I blinked at you and sang lyrics that were freestyled in my bedroom for you. You nodded and a smirk began to find its way through until it dissipated into the room, causing your eyes to flicker right back to her.

After the show, she stood faithfully by your side with a grin smeared over her entire facade.

“Can you bring the car around?” You asked me, knowing that the answer would be yes. I pondered at the thought, ‘I didn’t know I was a chauffeur now.’

‘I’m taking it too personally,’ I thought to myself. ‘Everything’s all good.’ I spun around to give you another hug, just to see your fingers laced into hers.

My throat was tight and my vocal chords were exhausted and sore. My stomach was already hurting so regurgitation wasn't the furthest thing from my reality. I watched your hands fly into the air together.

I remembered what you said to me yesterday, about distance. I realized that distance was a state of mind yesterday.

Yesterday is only good for yesterday though, and promises are only words.

I pulled up to the front of Crown Roots and opened my trunk. I looked up to see you in my rearview mirror and I saw you...and her.

You shoved the speakers and your skateboard into my trunk and slammed it shut. You ran up to my window and told me that you were going to ride with her to IHOP.

I didn’t want to go to IHOP. I didn’t want to be out.

But you did, and I was your ride and I was your girl.

So, I met up with you. You stayed in her car to talk, while all of us sat in Tyler’s car and listened to Moses Sumney. You went inside with her and sat down with her.

I sat with Jaira. She was mad. She said she had to protect me as her sister.

I went to my car early and stared at the moon through the sunroof. (Ironic) 

I cried. I screamed and cried and yelled at the sky. I begged the Universe for the situation not to actually be this way.

Venus is definitely in retrograde.

She walked you to my car and waved goodbye to me. I sent her every ounce of love that I could muster up as you sprinted over to my door and tried to flirt. I ignored you, and it hurt to do it, but you were hurting me.

I know it may not seem like much, but we’re both experiencing transition.

You got your heart broken by the girl that you took to your roots.

I’m leaving the best friend that I fell in love with this summer in seventeen days, and you’re okay with it.

I’m in my bed now, rereading this whole thing, after talking to Noah on FaceTime. My eyes turned green and blue from envy and sadness. My heart is sore, as is yours.

I realized that as much as I’m ready to heal and mend your heart from being broken, you might not be. As much as it hurts to admit, the harsh reality is, summer is the only thing keeping us close. The moment that the leaves start falling off their limbs could, realistically, be the moment that you’ll start falling out of love with me. I have to accept that that’s a possible reality.

I love you, my boy, more than anything and anyone I have ever loved before. I’m sorry I’ve made it so difficult on you. I’m sorry I smother you in healing love and I’m sorry it’s not enough right now.

You can and will go on to accomplish things that you need to. You will experience many many things and so will I. I’m sorry I glued myself to you; you’re my best friend and I do not want to share you. I’m not sorry that it is this way, but I am sorry about the reality of it all.

I’m leaving in seventeen days, so you won't have to worry about me anymore.

I’ll see you soon.