#ex endo

[chronofluffy]

I’ve been roleplaying with myself for a fucking year and because of the goddamn echo chamber I was in I fully believed it wasn’t roleplaying.

im really sorry to every actual DID system I’ve hurt through this or anything I’ve said that has made someone be misinformed. this is the last time I’ll barge into your guys’ spaces. I promise.

im done being an “endogenic system”. im done coopting a disorder and pretending it’s all fun and games because people told me it was. I wasn’t a system because I had “tulpas/willogenic” headmates and I do not fit the disagnosis for did/osdd

if anyone is actually looking, i have something I need help with. as someone with a very active imagination that was the cause of the entire endo shit I still hear voices from them I know is just me roleplaying. like when you tell someone to not imagine a clown and they do so because you just told them to. if you can tell me how exactly to stop imagining it be my guest.

[mtmdirk]

I haven't really seen anyone talk about this but it's honestly so fucking anger inducing how systems (and pwDID/OSDD1/UDD who don't wanna be called systems) have to fight to keep literal medical terms (alter, introject etc) about our literal fucking disorder medicalized and y'know exclusive to our disorders and anything that's a community term is suddenly 'endo inclusive' even if it was literally made for our disorders like I fucking saw someone say fictive was made by endos???

like other disabled people not just systems have to fight against people misusing our terminology we're usually told that the misuse of our terminology isn't that deep because it's "just a joke" or "just a figure of speech" but here in the case of pwDID/OSDD1/UDD it's for fake fucking 'inclusivity' of people who wanna make a serious debilitating trauma response a mogai-esk community and push actual systems deeper into denial and then shame them for wanting trauma survivor spaces when they do actually know that they're pwDID/OSDD1/UDD

I'm so tired of how systems are treated, when we speak out against the ableism we face from endos or even just correct misinformation we're called sysmeds and traumascum. new or younger systems that enter endo communities are bombarded with 'facts' about endos and told that they're endo until proven otherwise, told that anti endo or even just trauma survivor only communities will hurt them and abuse them so they shouldn't ever leave, they're told that anti endos are hateful towards every system and that they're basically the fucking antichrist

I don't usually swear much when talking about syscourse but I'm just so angry

[chronofluffy]

as a former pro endo who escaped from the community before I think it is very important for not just other anti endos but also anyone else who is against a harmful community:

not every single person under these communities is aware that they are spreading the misinfo. a lot of them are often misinformed and manipulated themselves. when people say “endos are all roleplayers who pretend they have a disorder to feel special”. Some of them might be actual systems who were told they were mixed origin or don’t think their trauma was “bad enough” to make them traumagenic. Some of them might be neurodivergent people who were fed heavy misinformation that they MUST be a system because of some specific things they do. Some of them have been told autism and *immersive daydreaming can cause plurality. Sometimes people are told they’ve created “accidental tulpas”. Sometimes people just fell into the wrong communities by using the wrong keywords or being referred to the wrong places by someone.

every time I see a fellow anti-endo say something like “I hate all endos and they should all get a life because they’re all purposefully faking DID” it reminds me of how pro endos would share these and go “see? We’re the only safe space around ever and you have to join us or else you’ll always feel unsafe and uncomfortable and nobody will truly be your friend!”. But never anything of an anti endo being kind and realizing that even if these people’s beliefs may be harming the system community, it’s not their fault. They can change and realize they were wrong. I did. And I only got so much better because when I realized I was wrong, anti endos were nice and accepting and nothing like I had expected them to ask when I admitted it. But pro endos started calling me a “sysmed” or whatever under my extremely distressed post.

It reminds me so heavily of a certain other community starting with “pro” but for the sake of keeping myself from being attacked I will keep my mouth shut.

Edit: I’ve seen a pretty sufficient article about how MDD can be linked to DID, and I edited the post to remove it from this section. MDD is still a disorder, however, and every other point still stands. I think this also brings up a new point to where when the ONLY type of people that are sending this information out are the people known for misinfo, its very easy to immediately not believe them even if some may be correct in a way. Don’t go “ooohh but you should’ve researched everything and anything pro endos say!!” you cannot blame someone for not being the 100% most rational person at all times ESPECIALLY when their experience states that something must be otherwise.

[chronofluffy]

trying to find a community about imaginary friends is kiiiiiillling me. searching up “imaginary friend” gets you the pressure character and like wow I really like her but SHE’S NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR.

There’s something called imagimancy and I was EXCITED. and then I looked and it seems extremely pro endo. nuts on a motorcycle is this disappointing. if people can share things like immersive daydreaming paracosms without linking it to plurality I wish to do that with imaginary friends too.

what if there are people out there, like me who have always had such vivid imaginary friends that they know aren’t real. what if they want to find people like them and search up the wrong thing and get dragged into the pro endo community and start believing their imaginary friends are “real” like I was. what if their coping mechanism gets almost ruined. like mine was. I dunno.

[chronofluffy]

I’m very conflicted on how to feel about polyminds. I can’t say anything about them being “endogenic systems repackaged” because I’ve heard systems say it’s very good that they’re not saying they’re systems and systems say it’s bad anyways because they’re still copying systems.

I personally do not like the term. Not for any reason relating to them “taking system terms” but the way polyminds seem to describe it makes me uncomfy. I just don’t think the idea of trying to separate your identity is good. If you’re a singlet and you do that, it leads to heavy identity issues and dissociation and NOT in the DID way.

But I DO kind of end up gravitating to the term sometimes and I’m unsure if that’s me clinging to pro endo beliefs or not. As a kid I did like talking with a lot of people in my head who I could roleplay quite seamlessly and sometimes they weren’t really characters but once one was a plushie. The way I’ve seen some polyminds explain it seems kind of similar but again, I feel iffy about the term.

I’m not exactly pro or anti polymind. I’m keeping an open mind (hehe). If any polyminds themselves want to share their experiences or if anyone who can tell me exactly why polyminds are bad can share their experiences, go ahead!! Please do!!

[chronofluffy]

Some pro endos really need to LISTEN to people sometimes. I remember once in a discord server I had mild thoughts of ‘what if it wasn’t a delusion, I miss my former headmates’ and decided to voice them in that server. Not really a good idea but please understand I was under immense distress and my reasoning was off.

Prior, I had quite spelled out that it was a delusion and that none of it had been real only to be met with “yeah I understand why you think it’s not real because of that but plurality is strange and can manifest in many ways!!”. I was in a good headspace at the moment so it didn’t affect me at the time.

I ended up being told that it wasn’t a delusion and my imaginary friends were actually real people because they “acted real” once again! And when I expressed distress because my friends were anti-endo and knew it was a delusion, they were all like “oh you might have to just cut your losses”. In a way that felt suspiciously like “you should leave your friends because they’ll never understand you”.

Everything about thinking I was an endogenic system then was somewhat good in a strange way. It made me realize just how controlled the characters in my head were, how much it hurt, how suspicious some of the things were. And all of it stopped the moment I realized it was a delusion. You know, something it shouldn’t be doing if I actually had a CDD. And it was real scary realizing how close I was to falling back in.

So, what I’m saying is, if someone says their plurality was a delusion, for gods sake at least listen to me for one time and DO NOT TRY AND CONVINCE THEM OTHERWISE. Do not go “oh, it’s not possible to have a delusion of being plural cause plurality is anything!!” No. Do not go “oh, it looks to me like you’re plural despite everything you say against it” NO. Do not go “it wasn’t a delusion and your therapist is wrong for believing it was so therefore it’s real” No, it not being a delusion doesn’t mean it was real and healthy. Stop it. Listen to people for once even if you think otherwise.

[chronofluffy]

As someone with diagnosed DID it makes me so sad to see people like you get convinced you're not allowed to experience plurality because some insecure people with DID can't understand the concept of plurality and pretend it's the same as DID then forcibly try to medicalize all cases.

I hope one day you'll be happy again and genuinely feel comfortable in the plural community. My own plurality is an additional layer to my DID. I believe I would still be plural without DID even as I have religious beliefs about the nature of my souls. I also have a spiritual headmate that has nothing to do with my DID and has never once been necessary to work through.

I'm just so genuinely heartbroken to see what you're going through 💔

I’ve already gone through the “it was not healthy for me to believe I had headmates” thing I’m pretty sure. I was not plural. I was never plural.

But your ask kind of reminds me of one point I wanted to make: someone being a traumagenic system does not mean they’re automatically correct.

Like, I see this a lot where people are like “as a traumagenic system endos are real and valid” and it’s like, I half understand the clarification but sometimes people use it to seem like they’re completely right? Traumagenic systems can be. Wrong. Like. They’re people. They’re just as capable of being wrong about things as singlets.

Maybe it’s just because some people automatically assume all pro endos are endogenic systems themselves (which isn’t true, there are tons of traumagenic pro endos out there) but literally everyone is capable of being misinformed, not just singlets.

[chronofluffy]

Did your therapist convince you it was a delusion?

Not really. I mainly described what it felt like to her and then we narrowed it down to if it was a hallucination or delusion (and she did tell me I didn’t have to call it either).

I also continue to get evidence that it was, at the very least, not real, so it’s not “evil professional convinces innocent system that she’s faking!!!”.