Well, had a pretty good day despite some rather adverse circumstances. Pride march very loud and busy, torrential rain when we were at the stall in the early afternoon (and outrageously chilly too), and - my ex seemingly hovering around me half the afternoon, which is what I mainly want to talk about, because it was very odd and I don’t know what to think.
So I knew there was a good chance they would be there (as I’ve said), and the first time I saw them I did panic a bit, but they were just walking through the park and I don’t think they saw me, and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I was anticipating. However, at some point they clearly spotted me, because they suddenly started spending a lot of time hanging about near the stall I was at for no obvious reason. I won’t bother going into detail, but I did have to leave a few times. They didn’t actively approach me, but the people I was at the stall with all agreed that they were coming across as kind of odd and intimidating, so I’m as confident as I can be that I wasn’t just imagining being targeted. When we were packing up the gazebo at the end of the afternoon they were just standing there (I think with a couple of other people) watching, and I think I might have accidentally caught their eye at one point. And I honestly don’t know what to make of the whole thing, what their intentions were, whether they were actually hoping to achieve anything, strike up conversation or something... I can’t make any sense of it at all.
Obviously, that hasn’t stopped me trying to work out what was going on. The first possibility was that it was sheer coincidence and I was imagining that they were watching me, but the other people I was with noticed it as well, so I think it’s unlikely. One of the people I was with thought they were trying to intimidate/manipulate me in some way, but I would be very surprised if that was the case - I genuinely don’t think they’ve ever been out to upset me for the sake of it, and I don’t see how the loitering can have been a reward in itself.
Were they hoping I would notice and approach them? If so, why, and what were they expecting? Were they hoping to be able to approach me, but didn’t manage to build up to it/get me on my own, or something? Again - if so, why?
After the people I was with left, I went back to the park - I think I tried to convince myself that it was to see if there were any food stalls still open, but I think it’s more that I wanted to see if they were still there, and if anything would happen now I was alone. I mean, nothing did happen - they were still there, and I’m fairly sure they were watching me (at least sporadically) across the crowd, but they were with their partner and didn’t show any sign of approaching.
Of course, at times it might well have looked like I was the one loitering and watching them - especially at the end when I went back to the park. I can’t imagine it would have looked that way throughout the main event though, because I was behind my stall most of the time, and aside from the time they came over to talk to someone I was working with who they know, there was absolutely no reason for them to be where they were for such protracted periods of times.
It was also a bit awkward (to me, at least) because the person mentioned above also works in trans academia and knows my ex through that. I haven’t really said anything to him about the relationship, though he knows it didn’t end well and that I’ve been uncertain about the nature of some of the things that happened (I don’t think he knows any specifics, though). I had to leave him on his own at the stall a few times, and the last time I bolted he followed me and we talked briefly. He seemed broadly sympathetic, though didn’t voice any opinions or ask for any details about why I was shaken. I said to him that I didn’t want to trash-talk my ex, and could respect that they might be doing good work despite some decidedly suspect interpersonal stuff. I trust him to be able to make up his own mind, so am not too worried that I might be accidentally... I don’t know, defaming my ex’s character, or something. That he was non-committal was quite comforting, in a way - I’m often not keen on people having strong negative opinions about my ex, because it makes me worry that I’ve misrepresented the situation (there are exceptions - people who have independent reason for mistrusting them, or who I trust not to just side with me automatically)
As much as I dislike speculation, I think I’d be tempted to speculate on what the hell was going on - except, I don’t even know where to start trying to work out their intentions. The PhD acknowledgement thing I now think I understand, but this... I really don’t know ( I know I’m repeating variations on this phrase over and over, but I’m trying to underline just how confused I am). Were they just not expecting to see me at all and this was a kind of ill-thought-out reaction on their part? Was it deliberate? Who the fuck knows.
I suppose the positive to all this is that I’m so confused I haven’t found it nearly as stressful as I was anticipating. All the scenarios I imagined beforehand involved being actually approached and spoken to, so I was just not prepared for this at all. Of course, it’s very possible I’m just reading too much into it, but it feels like there must be something to be read into it, even if it’s not particularly profound, and at the moment all I’m reading is gobbledegook.
I think I’m a bit worried that they might try to contact me after this. In fairness, I made it clear back in... November 2013, I think, that I didn’t want them contacting me again and they have respected that this entire time, so it would be a bit odd for them to renege on it now, especially after I pointedly left the area whenever their presence started to become intrusive, hopefully making it clear that I didn’t want to engage. I don’t even know if I do want them to keep away... a part of me wants to understand what was going on today, but at the same time I don’t know how I’d deal with direct contact and I’m still uncertain enough about what the fuck was going on with our dynamic towards the end of the relationship that I think contact would be quite... destabilising, I suppose.
It’s entirely possible that they have been keeping tabs on me from afar all this time, including being aware of this blog and the things I’ve posted on the subject. I don’t think I much care if they do read this, but as it’s a highly hypothetical situation I’m not sure if that’s actually the case. As I have no inclination whatsoever to get in touch with them, and I don’t at the moment think it’s likely they’ll get in touch with me, I suppose all of this is probably going to remain unresolved for the forseeable future. Which I think I’m ok with? I don’t know - it’s been a very long day and I could probably do with switching off from the whole subject, at least for a while.
Anyway, after I left the park, I had a pretty good late afternoon/evening, but as I can barely keep my eyes open, I think I’m going to save that for another post.
