Long time no post - Existential Crisis? ... OK!
Proper existential crisis today bought on by lots of little things!
Late for work.
Forgot my Step Brother's Birthday card so all the gumpf I bought with me to wrap his gift (arriving at an amazon locker near work) is for nought.
Forgot my gym kit so now cannot go to the gym and get fit / healthy / slim / fitting back into my clothes. I hate dieting with a fiery passion!!! Life is supposed to be about experiences and fulfilment and enjoyment (Right?) and instead I'm having to deprive myself of things I actually enjoy to eat shit I don't care for!
It's raining.
I hate this job and I have to write my PDR and all I want to write is "I hate this job and have learnt nothing of merit and don’t want to learn anything here I just want to leave and actually LIVE my life"!!!
I didn't wake up beside my partner this morning because he lives 30 miles away and we don’t drive.
There are no jobs to apply for in the area between me and my partner in which my skills apply, or my house can continue to be financed.
Also I started looking at moving fees for when I finally get my house done made me even more frustrated. On top of saving and spending money to make my house sellable, I'll have to save even more just to sell the damn thing and of course move - looking at £6,000 - £10,000 just to sell my shit tip.
I grab moments of happiness with my friends, family and my partner but knowing I have to go to work and trudge through that 37 - 40 hours a week (not taking into account travel) doing nothing fulfilling or enjoyable
It's just so soul destroying! It takes so much away from your time actually ENJOYING life! So many people live for their weekends and their holidays, some live from pay-cheque to pay-cheque, some barely can feed, clothe and house themselves - not to mention those in third world countries or those who are homeless - it makes my soul ache!!!
I should feel "lucky" but I don't I feel ANGRY!!!
It shouldn't be that way!!!
I hate the fact that our society is built this way,
It shouldn't be about money and working until you die! We get such a short amount of time on this planet,
It should be about enjoying everything life has to offer - for everyone, not just those who live in Capitalist well off countries!!! And we have to spend so much of it work, doing vapid useless stupid things. Wasting our money on things we don't need, but society tells us we NEED!!!
Also, the amount of hate, bigotry and conflict in this world just adds to it!!! Why can't we all be accepting and just bloody be nice to one another!!! There is no need for Hate, in this short time we have you want to spend it being a hateful, racist, homophobic, transphobic, bigoted, war mongering person? WHY? There's so much more!!!
I can see why people gamble... Even in the privileged position I am living in a country like the UK, with a roof over my head, good health, family and friends and a job … I want out!!! My friends want out! My family wants out! We want a way out of the shit that is trudging through this daily fucking grind and onto something better, more fulfilling, more worthwhile and money seems to be the only thing that gets stuff bloody done! People who are worse off must feel like it is literally their only way out!
I am holding back tears at my desk! I'm just so frustrated by life! I'm so conflicted right now! Worrying about my own life and how I am going to get to where I want to be / need to be ... whilst also wanting to save the fucking world!
And the worst of it is I know nothing I can do will make a BIT of difference!!!
I feel like I have wasted my life! I have no-one to prove anything to, but I feel like I owe it to LIFE to do something with mine... I have this chance but feel like I'm wasting it / can't take it!!!