#existense

[the-flavour-of-life]

Do you ever get that hollow feeling in your chest? Where you feel literally empty but your heart's beating really loud like thump thump thump...Then, there is this haunting menacing feeling that creeps up which you can literally feel in your skin and bones, and all you can think about is getting lost and sequestered in a place where nothing can penetrate the darkness...?

[chrgbolt-blog]

denki hates stripping himself to show his vulnerability. he’s not ‘putting on a mask’ nor is he trying to fake a smile most of the time, he simply AVOIDS circumstances that can trigger him revealing this side of his. if she’s being honest, she’s not very good at hiding her emotions so it’s best that she just runs away to prevent herself from showing them.

there’s just that itching paranoia that threatens her of being disliked whenever she shows this bit of her. he ... HATES feeling like a burden so much despite his desperate desire of wanting to be ... liked. his brain demands him to be a likable person that he’s willing to run away from his own feelings and everythng just to fit onto tht

[the-flavour-of-life]

I don't fit in anywhere. Not even with my own family and friends. There's this strange kind of boundary between me and everyone else. I am dark and melancholic and so are the things I talk about I guess. That's why I have trouble making friends maybe. Because they can't take my depressing bullshit all the time and I don't know how to humour them. How to make them laugh. How to have a good time.

They say, you don't have to think a lot about it. That you just need to be "Yourself". But who am I ? I don't know. What does it mean to be yourself? What is my self? I have never known.

I see people sharing beautiful bonds, having beautiful moments all around me. Their moments of laughter, of fun, are glorious moments of life. They seem so full of life. And I wonder why am I not a part of these smiles and moments. Why can't I laugh like that? And make others laugh like that? Wholeheartedly, genuinely, lively?

Even when I am talking to someone or present in a group, I feel alienated, dissociated. That feeling which keeps yelling at me "I don't belong here". It's like I am looking at myself and these people through a looking glass and I can carefully observe my dissociate awkward alienated self feeling all alone and miserable.

I too wanna laugh a lot. Laugh so much that my stomach hurts. I too wanna have happy memories. Embarrassing moments with my friends. Click weird pictures. Write stupid posts on social media and yell at them. Express my love for them with strange and humiliating bday gifts. Call someone at 3 am and cry my heart out. I too wanna have friends with whom I can share glorious moments. I too wanna live.

Why do I feel so deranged? So alienated? Not only from others but even from myself. Why do I feel so lost? Why do I always feel like dying? Why do I always pray to be dead because dying seems much easier than living. I don't know how to live, love or laugh. I don't know how long I can take this anymore. I don't know how long I can will myself to stay alive anymore. I am hollow, empty. I am lost. Someone please teach me how to live because I don't think I am doing this right.

[the-flavour-of-life]

Moments of Being or a lack thereof

She always felt she did not really belong anywhere. She would see wonderful moments, moments of intimacy, moments of laughter, moments of joy, moments of friendship and moments of happiness. But she was never really a part of the moments of being. She was always part of the group and she would smile, and laugh, and indulge, as everyone else did. And everyone thought she was a part of this group, a part of the belonging. But no one had any idea, that she did not feel the same way. She saw these moments from outside, like into a looking-glass. She thought she was present there, at the moment, mingling with others; or at least she wanted to feel that way. She stood there looking at others laughing and enjoying, she pretended to do that too, but all she truly felt was “nothing”. She just did not fit. She wanted to feel that she belonged, but all she truly ever felt was “wrong”, while everyone and everything else was just “right”. She would be standing there, laughing with everyone else, but her insides would be shrieking at her audacity to think that she “belonged” with them. It was like standing outside of yourself and looking at your other self condoning all the pretentious acts but actually feeling hollow inside. And no one really understood this sensation, not even her own self.

Ever since she was a kid, she would continue on with her quotidian life, trying to ignore the building heaviness in her chest and ignoring the hollow that she felt inside her heart, like a void. But there would be a sudden wave of sadness and heaviness that came out of nowhere, and completely engulfed her. She felt completely weighed down by this heavy burden, as if she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. And then, BOOM! There would be a sudden outburst of tears. She had no idea what was wrong with her or why she cried so often. But at least crying made her feel a little less heavy. It was messy and chaotic but “people don’t like messy”.

No one could understand what ailed her. She did not have any answer to their questions, because she did not know her self. She tried to explain that to others, but people were more keen on forming their own assumptions and trying to force that upon her; rather than really “listening” to what she had to say. That she did not need to know the answers. She had made peace with the way she was, even if it felt wrong, it was just right for her. But that was not enough for others. They pushed her to the edge, constantly disapproving her feelings and sentiments. Constantly prodding her with the “Hows” and the “Whys”. Why do you feel this way? Why do you cry so often? What ails you? What is wrong with you? Why are you always so miserable? Why aren’t you trying harder? Why? Why? Why?

But she did not have any answers. She had been asking the same questions to herself for quite a while now, and she had made peace with not having the answers. But it was not enough for the world.

Why is it necessary for humans to find the reason for everything? Can’t there be things with no rhyme and no reason at all? And even if there is indeed a reason for everything, why is it necessary for us to find it? To find who you are? Why can’t we just accept some things for the way they are? Why do flowers bloom? Why do leaves fall? Why do seasons change hue? Why are some people more fortunate than others? Why is their pain and misery in this world? What is happiness and what does it truly mean to be happy? Is it possible for you to be really happy? Why is it necessary for you to answer all the Whys and the Wherefores, she always wondered. Why wouldn’t the world just leave her alone, she thought. And she wondered, when would everyone stop pushing her over the edge, and accept her for what and who she really is?

[the-flavour-of-life]

"The tremendous world I have inside my head, but how to free myself and free it without being torn to pieces. And a thousand times rather be torn to pieces than retain it in me or bury it. That, indeed, is why I am here, that is quite clear to me."

~ Franz Kafka

[the-flavour-of-life]

"Nothing conclusive has yet taken place in the world, the ultimate word of the world and about the world has not yet been spoken, the world is open and free, everything is still in the future and will always be in the future".

~ UNFINALISABILITY

By MIKHAIL BAKHTIN

[the-flavour-of-life]

So many people want to live "the lives that they have never lived because of the lives they are forced to live or have chosen to live."

[the-flavour-of-life]

"Man cannot live without a permanent trust in something indestructible within himself, though both that indestructible something and his own trust in it may remain permanently concealed from him."

~ Franz Kafka