Tuesday, 27 October 2015
11:56 pm
I am so sad.
I am sad that my ideal relationship story isn't going the way I want. I am sad that I feel like a billowing sail with no mask to harvest my energy.
Today I got to spend some time with my ex's mother. Strange circumstances, but she happens to be in Okinawa this week. I happened to have had most of the day off to go on a boat cruise and pineapple park cart ride with her and two other church members.
I really like her. I want to spend more time with Janice throughout my life and this whole fantasy of staying with Caleb has eaten away at my mind and made me literally live out of reality. I talked with her with mention of him as if we were still really close.
It felt as if that at some point in life I would be able to go back to him and that I could recover some of the good things that we had.
But that is it.
There's no going back.
I had dragged out the healing process, smudging it so that the lines that blur how my everyday ins and outs and his are still somehow vaguely held together through wisps of lead.
But the line has now been drawn. By his hand not mine.
"There's no point on either of us hanging on."
Yes, to go back would be to return to the issues we had. To return to his feeling of fear as to make me upset, my fear that I will prove my family and sometimes myself right that he is in fact not right for me.
Really, WHO is right for me? Who is ME? So many fundamental questions I don't even know how to answer.
But at the same time, are they even important? I don't want to become this self-obsessed person who spends so much energy "finding themselves" when I could be "creating something for others." I much prefer to live in the latter camp of thinking.
Need to keep pushing forward.
Do I want to keep running away and spending time in Japan? Will that make life easier to go on? Why has this person had such a large impact on my life? Other people I dated I was able to throw off with ease. I had sex with this one. My first. I wanted him to be the last. That has something to do with it. Our souls have been tied. Probably need to ask for deliverance for that from God. I planned a lot with this one. And the thing was, our goals were actually achievable. I felt I was with a competent person. Someone to catch me when I fell. Someone who would be there for me.
Did I screw up? In being indecisive all the time, of course. In being too sensitive, yes. In wanting to break it off when I did? Not really. I was in a bad place. I needed space. Things were bad. But again, if it was meant to be, then why are we where we are? He's sick of me.
Well, our hobbies really are quite different. I am into what exactly though? He had many hobbies, while I have "hard work" as my tool to boast, but even then that doesn't really run that deep. My energy is so scattered I can't call myself a master of anything. I am just open to different things. I like the Japanese culture but I don't want to get crazy otaku into it as to be spiritually influenced. I want to dive into one hobby, such as drama watching, reading, manga, or exercise, but then I feel a pull in the opposite direction saying "don't become THAT person". Grahh I don't really stay at something long enough to even have it qualify as a hobby. I should really take up piano again. At least I continued that for 8 years so I should be able to recover some skill in that at least.
Ok. My life doesn't revolve around whether we are right for each other. I should be enjoying life. And I really am. It's just every now and then he pops into my head. It is again a normal part of the healing. So like thoughts I should just let then take their course.
Seeing his mother helped me come to a point of closure I guess. She might not know he told me to "stay friends" and she might secretly want us to get back together too. But I feel from her questions as to whether I want to come back to Japan or not that she knows my path and Caleb's path won't align. I am not sure how much he has confided in her. But I am sure she wants to talk about it at some point whilst she's here. I wonder what I should tell her. That I am still in love with him? Or that we are over? My love could just be obsession really. I think it is moreso that than anything else.
This billowing sail needs to just hold onto the mask that is God for a while. I don’t think I am emotionally able to really do anything else at the moment.