#ezridaxkin

[fictionkinfessions]

‘kin age’ is a very amusing thing to think about from the perspective of this kin, because depending on how you look at it, i’m either -333, -147, or a whole 3 years old. see you guys in 300 years i guess? -ezri dax [star trek ds9]

[fictionkinfessions]

i had a strange dream last night. i was ezri, and i had been kidnapped by a higher-dimensional being that was using julian’s face. another being, this one appearing like nerys, appeared briefly. i was able to transform into pure energy, and i zapped around the room where i was held, and into different dimensions to try to escape julian. he always caught me, though. in some of the worlds, i met cartoon characters (not from any particular media), became my current self again and saw my cat die only for her to get back up like nothing had happened, and saw flashbacks of the past, except i wasn’t me, i was jadzia. near the end, julian was at a computer which was malfunctioning. he’d captured me again, but i was almost friendly with him. i called him julian even though i knew it wasn’t really him. the computer was messing up because garak had gotten a virus onto it. he was talking to us over a voice call of some sort; he’d been trying to save me. i woke up before i saw whether he succeeded or not.

i haven’t the slightest idea what it means. i woke up with a headache, though that may have nothing to do with the dream. i read some fics, most of which were sad, and now my heart hurts. it’s past 3 am, i really need to go to sleep.

-ezri dax [star trek ds9]

[fictionkinfessions]

you know, i don’t like that feelings of inadequacy or negatively comparing myself to jadzia is the biggest trait of my ezri shifts. it’s hard to believe i’m more than just her replacement when i feel this way all the time.

i feel like i need to apologize. for not having her wisdom or not pulling jokes as effortlessly. for fumbling over so many of my words and actions. for not being able to fill the void left in my friends’ souls after her death.

but it wasn’t my fault. i was a new person, i didn’t have to be like her. i wish i understood that, then and now. -ezri dax [star trek ds9]

[fictionkinfessions]

getting complicated worf-related feelings after watching a certain episode for the first time. honestly, i’m a bit confused. when aren’t i, right? he’s a good man, i know that for sure. he’s honorable and a strong warrior and for all his faults, he was a damn good husband while i was alive- while jadzia was alive.

i don’t think i was in love with him as jadzia was. you know, as unfair as it was for reassociated trills to be exiled from the homeworld, there was a legitimate reason for it to be frowned upon. in the episode, when jadzia’s voice was speaking while i walked around worf’s quarters, that was her starting to overtake me. from the minute i set foot on the station, i knew that might happen. living on jadzia’s home, surrounded by her loved ones made her feelings reemerge strongly. the girl that i was before joining with dax, she was gone. i don’t know what she was like. maybe if dax had gone to someone else, who had been trained for joining, who had a stronger personality to begin with, that wouldn’t’ve happened. i can’t know for sure.

she loved him. part of me loved him. but he wasn’t my husband; it wasn’t meant to be. i hope he’s well, wherever he is.

- ezri dax [star trek ds9]

[fictionkinfessions]

being young sucks. i’m tired of being clueless and scared. i miss being old—or at least the memories making me feel old. i chased after it back then. from jadzia’s remnants, to benjamin, to julian, seeking to revert to a more competent state. it never happened, of course, you change but you can never become someone else. maybe it got better with time. maybe it *will* get better with time. i don’t know.

-ezri dax [star trek ds9]

[fictionkinfessions]

i typed a whole thing last night that unfortunately got eaten when my browser crashed <\3 so here i am again

i rewatched some ds9 episodes last night, just for fun. i wasn’t expecting it to fling me into an ezri shift. i wasn’t even in the episodes i watched... technically. jadzia was.

it was so strange. i’d always considered myself separate from her, never looked at her and seen myself. but this time, i did. she would say something, or laugh a certain way, or just shrug as if to say “don’t look at me!“ and i could see myself doing the exact same thing.

i felt what she felt. i felt how anxious she was to return to trill, to have to go back to the symbiosis commission. it was almost worse, knowing that it was completely justified. they were going to let me die. i would have died if not for benjamin and julian. they left me, me as in ezri, alone, but i as jadzia had something to fear from them, so i did.

i started thinking about benjamin. i have so many feelings towards him. all positive, of course. we were so close over three lifetimes, that’s not something very many people can say. i hope he knows how grateful for him i am. how proud of him. -ezri dax [star trek ds9]